Precision Guided Humor Assignment: Campaign Slogans 

This week's Alliance assignment is to write campaign slogans for the Democratic presidential hopefuls. I couldn't pass this one up.

So, here are a few of my ideas. I'm sure they're just variations on what everyone else has come up with, but I guess that when people make themselves into stereotypes, all you can do is play the stereotypical angle for comedic purposes. Wow, that sounds dumb. Anyway, here are the slogans, in no particular order:

Howard Dean: Votes for Republicans make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry...what? What do you mean the Hulk already used that? I'LL KILL HIM! HE KNEW ABOUT 9/11! RRROOOORGH! DEAN SMASH...IN A MODERATE...SENSIBLE WAY...THAT WILL NOT OFFEND ANYONE! RRRROORRRGH!!!

Al Sharpton: A vote for me is a vote for racism...I mean AGAINST racism! AGAINST!
...Damn crackas.

John Kerry: I will f**k up George W. Bush, just like I f**ked up the enemy in Vietf***ingnam! Sacre bleu! I mean...vote for me!

Dick Gephardt: Come on! You know you want your head of state to be a Dick!

Crap Weasel: I must become president, because only I know the secret codes that will defeat the evil psychic wombats of Krelnak 9! Thu flubadu tehy gralbulnarg (that's Krelnakian for "vote Kucinich in '04")!

Joe Lieberman: I can talk about my religious beliefs without being called an extremist! Vote Jewish in '04!

John Edwards: Move it along, folks. Nothing to see here. Except dead people. Lots of dead people. That died because GEORGE W. BUSH SENT THEM TO IRAQ! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
...oh, wait, that's John Edward that sees dead people. My bad.

Carol Moseley Braun: I'm a black woman. You HAVE to vote for me, or else the Evil White Patriarchy™ will destroy the world.

Wesley Clark: I was in the army, but I'm a Democrat, so it's okay. A think-tank in Canada assured me of that.

Hillary Clinton: No, really, I'm not running in 2004. But I encourage you to write my name in anyway, because if you don't, I'm sending Janet Reno to your house. You don't want that.

Looks like some tough competition for Dubya, but I'm sure he knows how to handle it.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!