My First Filthy Lie

NOTE: This is a lie I wrote back in November, but it does involve Evil Glenn and animals, so Harvey linked to it

Okay, I'm back, and I've got a filthy lie totally true story to tell about the most evil being in the blogosphere, Glenn Reynolds. Here's what happened:

I wanted to write something about Evil Glenn's Thanksgiving plans for the new Alliance assignment, but I was having trouble coming up with good ideas. I decided that it might help if I took a walk to clear my head. After a few minutes of walking around aimlessly with no good ideas, I saw a pet shop on the corner that I had never noticed before. Since I had no filthy lies in mind, I gave up on that and went inside to see if they had any monkeys that I could mail to Frnak.

Well, they didn't have any monkeys, and when I said I wanted to send them to Frank J., the guy at the counter gave me a funny look and pressed the red button next to the cash register. I figured that was probably a bad sign, so I backed away and started looking at other animals. They really weren't that interesting, although one of the parrots looked mysteriously like a ninja, and he kept giving me an evil look and brandishing a tiny samurai sword. Other than that, everything seemed normal, but as I came to the puppies, I noticed that they were all cowering in fear.

That's when I saw him. Glenn Reynolds, the puppy blending communist, was standing at the counter and arguing with several employees. I managed to catch some of their conversation.

"What do you mean they've all been reserved? Do you understand how important this is to my evil plan to eliminate all dogs...I mean...my...charitable plan to...give dogs to starving...LONELY children?"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Gorecinichton (that's right, he uses an ultra-liberal alias), but we can't sell you any more puppies. You've already bought ten in the past month. I'm afraid that you'll have to look somewhere else."

"Hmmmm...no puppies...BLAST!...I mean...okay, then give me two dozen of your finest hamsters!"

"Two dozen? Are you sure?"

"YES! GIMME GIMME GIMME...I mean...why, yes, that is indeed the number of hamsters I would like. Indeed."

"You already said that."

"Indeed I did."

"You're scaring me. Here's a dozen hamsters. It's all we've got. That'll be $50."

"Hmmmm...that's a lot...do you take GlennBucks?

"Uh...I don't think we do."

"WHY NOT? ALL STORES MUST BOW BEFORE THE EVIL GLENN-PIRE...I mean...here's fifty dollars. Now GIMME THE HAMSTERS...I mean...please complete the transaction at hand by exchanging those small furry creatures which, although they are named as such, are not made of ham and cannot stir. I have tested that theory many times, and..."

"Just take them and go."

"Indeed."

So, Evil Glenn took his dozen hamsters and walked out of the store. Now, I don't know if it was the sadistic look in his eyes or the way he kept looking at the hamsters and laughing in the most evil way imaginable, but something made me want to follow him. He didn't seem to be heading in any particular direction, but he eventually wandered into the woods with that same evil look in his eyes.

I continued to follow the evil one through the woods and into a small clearing in the middle of nowhere. It was then that I noticed a small shack in the distance, and I realized that he was heading there. This turned out to be the case, although Glenn managed to shoot a poor, defenseless hobo that was hiding in the bushes before he went into the shack.

Once Glenn was inside, I looked into a window on one side of the shack. What I saw horrified me beyond words. He had hundreds of hamsters inside, and many of them were being forced to run on giant exercise wheels. If they stopped for even a second, he shocked them with a cattle prod! I couldn't just stand by and watch this, so I burst in the door to stop his evil plans.

"What do you think you're doing, you commie freak?" I said as I entered.

"Why, I'm exercising these hamsters, of course. What's so strange about that, comrade?"

"Don't you ever call me comrade again! You're not even exercising them! It just looks like you're making them tired and then shocking them! That's evil!"

"Well, if I can't shock hamsters, then why do they make cattle prods at all? If they would stop getting tired and do their jobs, they wouldn't have to be punished like this."

"What jobs? They're just running!"

"Oh, really? Then what's this?"

He pointed as he said this, and as I looked in that direction, I realized that Glenn is even more evil than we ever imagined. The hamster wheels were all connected to wires, and the wires were connected to...A GIANT BLENDER!

"You see, the hamsters generate power for my ultimate puppy blending device. I call it 'The Glennder!' It can blend up to six regular puppies at once, and up to a dozen Scottish terriers! Do you realize how much energy that is? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!"

"Okay, but what's up with that hat you're wearing? It looks like a giant hamster with dragon wings and fangs. Does it generate power too?"

"HOW DARE YOU! DO NOT EVER QUESTION THE HAMSTER HAT! NOBODY QUESTIONS THE HAMSTER HAT! THE HAMSTER HAT IS THE ULTIMATE SOURCE OF POWER! IT WAS GIVEN TO ME BY SATAN HIMSELF MANY YEARS AGO AFTER I RAN AN ERRAND FOR HIM!"

"An errand? For SATAN?!"

"Indeed. You see, back in 1992, Satan realized that Republicans were starting to gain too much power and inject morality back into the nation, and Satan doesn't like morality, so he and I devised the ultimate evil plan."

"You mean..."

"That's right. I RIGGED THE ELECTION AND MADE BILL CLINTON PRESIDENT! DID YOU THINK ANYONE ACTUALLY VOTED FOR THAT ADULTEROUS HILLBILLY? MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"

"YOU rigged the election? Then what did Satan do?"

"Satan married Bill Clinton! Don't you know that Satan has the ability to assume any form? Even now, Satan is planning on completing the evil scheme by running for president in 2008!"

I couldn't stand any more, so I did what any God-fearing, flag-waving American would do. I ducked just as the ninja that had been stalking me sent a throwing star in my direction, and it hit Glenn's hamster hat. I didn't want to stick around after that, so I ran out of there as fast as I could while The Evil One roared in anger. I don't know what happened after that, but hopefully he'll think twice about messing with me again. So, to sum it up:

GLENN TORTURES HAMSTERS
GLENN HAS A GIANT BLENDER POWERED BY THE HAMSTERS
GLENN GOT BILL CLINTON ELECTED
HILLARY CLINTON IS GOING TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT IN 2008

We must stop this robot-dancing murderer before he can come up with another evil plot. Also, I just realized that the word "hillbilly" can be made from parts of "Bill" and "Hillary." Coincidence? Of course it is.

Posted by CD on November 24, 2003 03:28 PM
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