The True Fan 

All right, I'm a little late, but as promised, here is a satirical sketch about patriotism. The scenario: Bob and Joe are sitting on a couch watching football, and they start talking about the game between plays. Their conversation is as follows (WARNING: CONTAINS (censored) PROFANITY AND SUFFERS IN THE REALITY DEPARTMENT BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW THE NAMES OF ANY FOOTBALL PLAYERS):

-BOB: So, pretty good game, isn't it?

-JOE: I guess. You're a Patriots fan, right?

-BOB: Definitely. I love the Patriots. Greatest football team in the world. I support them 100%. If anyone...WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? HOW COULD YOU MISS THAT? I HATE YOU!

-JOE: Didn't you just say you love the Patriots?

-BOB: Sure did. Greatest team in the-WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW? YOU SUCK!

-JOE: Uh, Bob, I'm not sure how big a fan you actually are. You don't seem to be supporting them very much.

-BOB: Are you saying I'm not a Patriots fan? I told you, I love the Patriots! They're the...WHOA! WHAT WAS THAT? GET OFF THE FIELD! GET OFF THE F***IN' FIELD!

-JOE: Okay...so, who's your favorite player?

-BOB: I don't really like any of them. They're all in it for the money. None of them actually care about football. Greedy pigs.

-JOE: But they're still your favorite team?

-BOB: Of course they are! The Patriots are the greatest team in the world! How many times do I have to tell you that?

-JOE: Well, you seem to dislike them a bit.

-BOB: What's wrong with that? I can still be a Patriots fan and hate the Patriots!

-JOE: Well...what about the coach? Do you like him?

-BOB: Don't even get me started on that f***in' idiot. He wouldn't know football if it came up behind him and kicked him in his ugly monkey head. That guy's a moron.

-JOE: You did say you LOVE the Patriots, right?

-BOB: Stop questioning me! Of course I do! They're a great team. If you keep...OH, COME ON! YOU F***IN' SUCK, YOU A**HOLES! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!

-JOE: If you're such a big fan, why do you keep yelling at them?

-BOB: Do you have a problem with my dissent? It's healthy to question your team. A lot of Patriots fans just blindly cheer whenever something good happens. They don't even think about how the other team feels. They're so afraid to be different. When I support my team, I look at all the issues.

-JOE: Yeah, but you just seem to be spouting obscenities at them. That goes beyond questioning, doesn't it?

-BOB: Are you saying that I can't disagree with the Patriots and still be a true fan? I just want what's best for them.

-JOE: That doesn't make much sense, but I guess I understand why you would-

-BOB: HA! HE BROKE HIS LEG! SERVES YOU RIGHT, POSER! I HOPE YOU ALL DIE!

-JOE: Uh, Bob, that was New England's quarterback. Why are you happy about that?

-BOB: The idiot deserved it. He needed to be taught a lesson. When the quarterback gets hurt, the coach will see that he's using the wrong plays. In fact, I think they'll have a much better season if they lose this game.

-JOE: You're rooting AGAINST your favorite team?

-BOB: No, it's not like that at all. I just think they deserve to lose.

-JOE: But you still love them, right?

-BOB: YES! The Patriots are the greatest team in the world. I'm with them all the way.

-JOE: But you just said you wanted them to lose! It sounds like you hate them!

-BOB: HOW DARE YOU! HOW F***IN' DARE YOU! I LOVE THE PATRIOTS! WHY ARE YOU QUESTIONING MY TEAM SPIRIT?

-JOE: Because it seems like you're totally against them.

-BOB: You're just...HA! NOW YOU'RE LOSING BY 28 POINTS, A**HATS! SERVES YOU RIGHT! THESE PLAYS ARE TERRIBLE! YOU NEED TO FORFEIT THE GAME, FIRE THE COACH, AND SEND ALL THE PLAYERS HOME! THAT'LL TEACH YOU TO USE CRAPPY PLAYS!

-JOE: I don't understand how you can say that about a team you supposedly love.

-BOB: Are you retarded? Can you not hear me? I LOVE THE PATRIOTS! THEY'RE THE BEST FOOTBALL TEAM IN THE WORLD! I'M BEHIND THEM ALL THE WAY!

-JOE: Wait, what are you doing now?

-BOB: I'm setting fire to my Patriots jersey. It's a disgusting symbol of greed and failure, and I'm ashamed to wear it.

-JOE: FIRE? How can you do that if you love the Patriots?

-BOB: This team doesn't represent anything I stand for, so I'm burning their jersey. What's so hard to understand?

-JOE: Why don't you just follow a different team?

-BOB: BECAUSE THE PATRIOTS ARE THE BEST TEAM IN THE WORLD! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU THAT!

-JOE: I really think you need to lay off the alcohol, Bob. I'm worried about you.

-BOB: WHAT? STOP TRYING TO OPPRESS ME! I THINK YOU HATE THE PATRIOTS!

-JOE: I think you hate the Patriots. In fact, you hate them so much that you just set fire to your living room burning their jersey. I'll go call the fire department.

-BOB: FORFEIT! FORFEIT! FORFEIT! FORFEIT!...(etc.)

END

Okay, that was fun. I probably could've made this funnier, but I'll leave blog humor to Frnak J. (yes, Frnak is an acceptable spelling). I'm pretty sure you can figure out what I was lampooning in that little sketch there. I really want to know what these anti-America types would consider to be unpatriotic, because it seems like the word means nothing to them. If you have comments about this, I encourage you to include them. I'm going to be writing scripts in my TRF class next semester, and I want to get a head start with stuff like this. Criticism is welcome (although compliments are much better...or maybe a link or two...hint hint hint...wink wink nudge nudge say no more...). That is all.

Posted by CD on November 19, 2003 10:26 PM
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