Let's Mock the ACLU, Children!

I have laundry to do, so I'm going to make this as quick as possible (that's a lie! This is a rant-a-thon!). I was just reading some statements from the ACLU's homepage about "religious freedom" (I don't remember how I ended up there, but it gave me a rant topic, so here it is), and I think we can now safely say that ACLU stands for "Anti-Christian Lunatics Unite." Seriously. They talk about preventing restriction of civil liberties and upholding the Bill of Rights (or some crap like that), but they seem extremely concerned about eliminating religion.

Isn't that odd? An organization that endorses "freedom of religion" is actually encouraging "freedom from religion" (which, according to David Limbaugh, is a real organization. Don't get me started...). Some of the stories in their "religious freedom" section included one about eliminating a moment of silence in schools because the MOS might be used for prayer. Another dealt with how creationism isn't science because it doesn't deal with facts, you know, the usual. That's probably talking about YEC, but the sentiment is still there.

Yet another article criticized the voluntary Bible study and prayer sessions conducted by members of the U.S. government. How does this promote religious freedom? By the way, every article I saw was about Christianity. How come we don't hear anything about Hindus with those red dots on their foreheads? That's a public display of religion!

(NOTE: THIS IS SATIRE! REPEAT, SATIRE!) Oh, wait, it's just their culture. It would be intolerant to tell them not to display their religion. But Christianity? That's the tool the evil white patriarchy has used to enslave women and minorities for 2,000 years! If it doesn't stop, we may never enjoy the right to marry members of our own gender, or murder toddlers when they won't stop breaking things, or have sex with frigging 7 year old girls!

Those fundamentalist bigots! What makes them think that they can restrict our atheistic freedom with their "Buy-bulls" and their "Jebus H. Chrysler on a Ritz Cracker?" They're even trying to teach our poor, innocent (but expendable until age 5 and do-able at age 6, if we get our way) children that some invisible old man in the sky made the earth out of Play-Doh, plywood, and some Crazy-Glue in the year 6000 B.C. (before conservatives ruined the planet with their crazy stories)!!!!

Why, they even think there's this thing called "morality!" Apparently some things we do are "rongg" and others are "riite" or "gudd." If we don't do the "riite" thing, we'll be sent to Helena, Montana, where Santa Claus will roast us over an open fire for eternity! Those fools! Those bigoted, deluded, intolerant fools! Why won't they let us believe whatever idiotic load of prehistoric monkey crap we want? I'll defend a person's right to believe that God is actually a giant hamster, and the Milky Way is his exercise wheel! You see, that's original!

These Christians just believe what's written in some book by people from the Middle East. Everyone knows the Quran is the only good book to be written in the Middle East! Those poor Muslims were tired of the evil Christian dictator, Paul James Ashcroft, feeding them to lions, so they talked to Allah and found out that they had a sovereign right to control Israel!

And then Allah played with the hamster...well, I forget that part of the story, but it's all detailed in the upcoming ACLU publication, "Why We Must Save Religion from Christians." It's an engrossing look at how the infidels fundamentalist Christians have taken away the freedom of peace-loving martyrs Muslims and have made it impossible to die for Allah and go to heaven to receive 72 young virgin boys to have bisexual relations with while Bill Clinton watches from behind a screen.

It then looks at how open-minded, free-thinking, unbiased atheists aren't allowed to go into cult meetings church services and tell the racist homophobic sexist murderers Christians that their God doesn't exist and they're wasting their lives. What's more, Christians won't even let members of their own organizations have religious freedom. Take that Gene Robinson guy, the gay bishop. If his version of Christianity says homosexuality is okay, then it's obviously better than the Bible.

What right do those bigots have to say that they have "doctrine?" I understand that doctrine is just a combination of "doctor" and "latrine." See? They can't even come up with a real word! What's that mean? And Catholics are the worst! What right do those fascists in the Catholic church have to tell their priests that they can't molest young boys? Love between a grown man and a young boy is perfectly natural! Can't you see that we obviously evolved the ability to have perfectly fulfilling relationships like this, but the Christians altered our genetics so homosexuals could no longer reproduce?

Also, pregnancy used to be a choice all the time. There was a special organ that controlled whether or not a woman (or man, before Christians came along) would get pregnant, but then Noah threw everyone off the boat who had this, leaving just him and his wife and kids. Because they were mutants without natural birth control, they evolved a race of humans that had to use condoms, so in a way, Christians are responsible for unwanted pregnancies! Abortion is just us exercising our religious freedom.

After all, the Constitution says that no person will be denied the right to practice their religion. Why should we let Christians and their radical beliefs infringe on our religious freedom? WHY? OH, I FEEL SO VICTIMIZED...YOU, THE PERSON READING THIS! YOU ARE A RACIST...SEXIST...HOMOPHOBE...UM...
.FASCIST...NAZI...HITLER...ASHCROFT...BUSH...CHENEY...REAGAN...QUAYLE
...LIMBAUGH...SANTORUM...O'REILLY...CHARLIE DANIELS...DENNIS MILLER...KELSEY GRAMMER...GOLDFISH...SIDEWALK...HANGGLIDER...ROOTIN' TOOTIN' HIGH FALUTIN'...YOU SUCK! YOU F***ING SUCK! I HATE YOU! YOU HEAR ME? HEY, LET GO OF ME!!! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SILENCE ME, YOU INTOLERANT BIGOTED RACIST FASCIST MONO MORADO LAVAPLATOS LOCO KOO KOO KACHOO NI NI NI ECKY ECKY ECKY PIKANG ZOOM BOING ZOWLI ZHIV.....(and so on)

Okay, if you read all the way through that and are not offended, either you're emotionally detached from the world and may be a psychopath, or you completely agree with me. I'm not sure which is scarier. Anyway, that was my attempt at stereotyping the ACLU and other far-left organizations that oppress Christians and conservatives under the banners of "tolerance" and "rights."

I said that it was satire, but I sometimes think this is actually how antitheists view Christianity. They don't know what it's about, but they know it's eeeeeeeeevvvvviiiiillllllllll!!!!!!! I also made references to their defense of Muslim terrorists, abortion, and pedophilia (I'm not saying the ACLU endorses all this stuff, but leftists tend to latch onto these issues). I hope you can take a joke, but I also hope this makes you think about what kinds of people are running an organization that is devoted to "liberties." I still have to do laundry.

Wow, having a lot of work to do makes me creative. Maybe I can blog full time after Syracuse expels me for not turning in any work. Oh, well. I think I've posted more than enough for today. Later.

*UPDATE*
I was just re-reading this, and I think I may have confused the ACLU with NAMBLA a couple times. Oh, well. I've read Salon.com. I know how lefties think. Sorry if I offended anyone. On the other hand, if you're offended by me making fun of pedophiles, then something is wrong with you.

*UPDATE #2*
It seems this satire was a little more accurate than I thought. Apparently, the ACLU has not only associated with NAMBLA in the past, but has actually defended them. I rest my case.