January 21, 2004

Another Perspective on the SOTU

Okay, I'm back again, and as promised, you now get to read someone else's opinion of Bush's State of the Union address. The guy who's going to write this wishes to remain anonymous. Apparently, he thinks that John Ashcroft will burn his house down and kill his puppies if he's perceived as unpatriotic. Therefore, we'll just call him "Larry the Liberal." I'll hand the keyboard over to him now.

Hi, folks. I'm Larry the Liberal, and I'm going to give you the real story behind The Chimp's State of the Union speech. Of course, he really shouldn't have given it, since he isn't the president, but let's just pretend that he was elected for the sake of this commentary.

First of all, I didn't actually see the speech, listen to it, or read a transcript. That smirking Nazi disgusts me, and I refuse to directly expose myself to anything that comes out of his mouth. Fortunately, thanks to my friends at Indymedia, The Smirking Chimp, and Democratic Underground, I have a pretty good idea of how it went. Plus, I already know that pResident Shrub is a lying, fascist scumbag, so I can fill in the blanks when necessary. Here's my take on the State of the Union for 2004:

Bush* started off by shaking hands with a bunch of people. I'm sure he was taking note of who gave him the weakest handshake, and we'll soon be hearing about their mysterious disappearance. Of course, he had to pay attention to the token African-American child in the crowd. Pandering racist slimeball...*spit*.

Dumbya started talking, and all the Democrats immediately cowered in fear as John Ashcroft gave them The Evil Eye™. The first part of the speech was a disgusting tribute to murder of women and innocent children, as Bushitler shamelessly promoted his imperialist war for oil.

Then, he talked about how the Department of Homeland Security is keeping an eye on anyone who doesn't have at least 1 American flag somewhere on their property. Ted Kennedy tried to object, but Ashcroft stopped him with a Jedi mind trick. Don't think he doesn't know how to do that!

Smirky spent the next few minutes bragging about how many innocent Arabs he's killed over the past 2 years. He made sure to point out that anyone who is against the war is no better than a Saddam loyalist or a Taliban fighter. If Democrats refused to applaud, they were dragged off into the shadows by the Secret Service.

Next, the lying thief tried to convince everybody that we didn't go into Iraq unilaterally, and we've got plenty of allies. What a liar. Look at the list: Britain, Australia, Japan, South Korea, the Philippines, Thailand, Italy, Spain, Poland, Denmark, Hungary, Bulgaria, Ukraine...Where's France? Where's Germany? Why couldn't we get international support?

And furthermore, if it really is an international coalition, why do we always hear about AMERICAN deaths on the news? If he wants us to believe we have an international coalition, he could at least murder a few hundred soldiers from other countries to even things out. And then he should go to all their funerals so the families of the dead can kick him in the groin. What a jerk.

After this, he tried to say that we don't want to take over the world, but it was obvious that he wanted to reveal the truth. You could see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. He was supposed to say that "We have no desire to dominate, no ambitions of empire," but it came out as "Amurka will not stop because of terra! We will take over the world, and if anyone wants to stop us, bring 'em on!"

I think he also said "All your oil are belong to us," but the cheering from the Repuke section was so loud that it drowned him out. Those dittohead sheeple didn't even know what they were clapping for. They'll be smiling even as protesters and minorities are being marched into the death camps next October.

After this display of hatriotism, President Stupid started talking about the economy he ruined. He began by bragging about how many poor families have been forced to live in the streets while the richest people in the country watch and laugh from their giant mansions. He talked for quite a while about how the rich are getting richer at the fastest pace in 20 years, mansions are being built at the highest rate in 20 years, rich people are buying more vacation homes than ever, and jobs are being moved to other countries. He's proud of that?

Shrub then talked about his plan to put rich children in better schools and teach them the secrets of the VRWC. Meanwhile, poor children and minorities will be kicked out of most schools for being un-American.

It gets worse, too. If kids do make it into a real school, Monkeyboy wants to teach them...get this...READING AND MATH! How dumb can you be? Reading and math skills are useless if you haven't learned about the values of diversity, multiculturalism, and tolerance. Why are we even teaching reading and math in schools anymore? The Internet makes it possible for even the most illiterate people to communicate. That's what Internet languages are for. Math and reading? R U t3h 5ux0r?

After that, he went back into the stuff about taxes, and he introduced a new plan to give the rich $1,000 for every liberal that speaks out against him. Can you not see how evil this man is?

Once he was done telling the poor that they're not fit to live, he started talking about immigration reform, and the racism was clear from the start. He said that he won't give amnesty to any illegal aliens. What a racist! Just because they're not white, they don't deserve to be American citizens? I can't believe they let him get away with this.

Actually, from what I hear, a Mexican immigrant in the audience yelled a few things at him, and he responded by saying, "Why are speakin' that got-dang Spanglish to me, Rickity Martian? If you were an Amerkin, you'd be speakin' Amerkin!'" Of course, the man was immediately taken outside and beaten to a bloody pulp by Trent Lott, who had been hiding in the corner like Gollum for most of the night.

He then got into medical issues, and he immediately insulted everyone but the upper 1% of Americans by denying the Constitutional right to government-financed health care. Is he blind? Can't he see that socialized medicine is the only way to make sure that everyone gets equal treatment? It's clear that he only cares about the health of the rich. At one point during a Pug standing ovation, he even turned to Dick Cheney and said, "F**k the poor! We're takin' those major league a**holes out!"

After this, he talked about drugs and steroids. This was clearly an attempt to distract people from his own record with drugs and alcohol. Of course, without universal health care, it's no wonder so many people are self medicating. They have no choice, since Shrub took all their money and gave it to his greedy business partners at Helliburton.

Taking his position that all Americans should die even further, Bushler said that abstinence education is the only way to go. He demanded that condoms be taken out of stores immediately, and he implied that all abortionists will be rounded up within the next month for "re-education."

This proves that Smirkyboy wants Americans to suffer and is truly evil. If he cared about teenagers, why would he support abstinence education? We know that teens are going to have sex no matter what we do, so we might as well teach them to do it right so they can enjoy it. If they don't have all the facts, they could have a bad experience, and it would hurt their self-esteem. Abstinence kills teens! We need condom education, oral sex training, and Kama Sutra classes! That'll make teens safe AND let them enjoy their sexual diversity!!!

The next part of the speech makes me physically sick. Bushitler, that bigoted, homophobic fascist, launched into an incoherent rant about why gays are the most evil beings on the face of the earth, and they shouldn't have any rights because they're not human. A few Rethugs, led by Rick Santorum, got up and started chanting "Kill the Sodomites," but * drowned them out by yelling "GOD BLESS AMERICA AND F**K EVERYONE ELSE" over and over again.

At this point, the Democrats looked very nervous, but none of them expressed their disapproval. After all, Dumbya could push one button and set the entire left side of the room on fire. Fortunately, he's waiting for an event that isn't televised, so they have a little longer.

The last part of the speech was a letter from a girl named Ashley Pearson. First of all, that's obviously fake. "Ashley Pearson?" Sounds a lot like "actually a person," doesn't it? Chimpy's speechwriters thought they could get that past us, but they were wrong! See how much this administration lies? They're making up fake names to try and convince us that children support this evil administration!!!

Now, although I didn't see the speech, I did manage to find this actual quote from it. This is how Bushenfuhrer ended the most repulsive State of the Union address of all time:

"The year which lies behind us has been a year of great successes, but also, it is true, one of many sacrifices. Because the total number of dead and wounded is large in comparison with the first Gulf War, the sacrifices for each individual family concerned weigh heavy. Our whole sympathy, our love and care belongs to those who had to make these sacrifices. They have suffered what generations before us also had to suffer. Each individual American had to make other sacrifices. The nation worked in all spheres. Immigrants worked to replace the poor. It is a wonderful idea of community which dominates our people. That this ideal, that our whole strength should be preserved in the coming year-this should be our wish today. That we will work for this community-let that be our vow. That we conquer in devotion to this community-that is our faith, one in which we are confident, and that the Lord should not abandon us in this struggle of the coming year-let that be our prayer. God bless America!!!"

After that, the Repuke side chanted "USA! USA!" for a good 10 minutes while Smirky stood there and smirked. Meanwhile, the remaining Democrats vomited in disgust, and were immediately clubbed in the head for being unpatriotic.

Do we want to elect this fascist to his first term? I sure don't.

Okay, that was Larry the Liberal. I apologize for the lateness of this post, but I had to go through and check Larry's spelling. Everything else remains untouched.

Semi-Intelligent Thoughts: Fair and balanced.

Posted by CD on January 21, 2004 07:11 PM
Semi-Intelligent Comments

I was hoping for some commentary, instead we got childish name calling and condescending drivel. What a waste of time.

Posted by: Ted at January 22, 2004 08:29 AM

You're talking about Pretzelboy's speech, right? You couldn't possibly be talking about my brilliant commentary! Unless you're a racist fascist Nazi neocon. You make me sick!!!

Posted by: Larry the Liberal at January 22, 2004 11:34 AM

Reread my first comment, I made no mention of any political inclination. Yet you went into another childish name-calling attack.

I won't be back.

Posted by: Ted at January 23, 2004 08:13 AM

Ted, you can't take Larry too seriously. He's just here for laughs.

Posted by: CD at January 23, 2004 02:00 PM

That's a lie, you lying liar! Did Bill O'Reilly tell you that I'm here for laughs? Did Ann Coulter tell you to laught at me? You neocons just keep getting dumber, don't you?

Posted by: Larry the Liberal at January 23, 2004 04:16 PM

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