Just When I Thought Howard Dean Couldn't Get Any More Ridiculous

I think that's the longest title I've ever written. There's a good reason for it though, because Howard Dean is slowly becoming a bigger joke than people like Dennis Kucinich and Al Sharpton. Let's look at a few examples:

Struggling presidential candidate Howard Dean used a speech to a yelling, stomping, liberal Seattle crowd yesterday to paint fellow-Democrat John Kerry and President Bush as twin tools of special interests.

Dean railed against Kerry, the Massachusetts senator who has supplanted Dean as the front-runner in the Democratic race, and said news yesterday that Kerry took more lobbyist money than any other member of the Senate made him so mad he was sputtering.

I think Dean honestly believes he's some kind of political rock star. His only job is to get crowds excited and tell them what they want to hear, and he apparently doesn't care that a lot of people think he's nuts, as we'll see in a bit.

"When I came here the last time, the biggest issue was the war," Dean said to more than 1,200 people. "It's still a big issue. But there's another issue, and that's the issue of special interests running this government."

Special interests that you lefties created, from what I've seen. Immigration, health care, f**king NEA FUNDS...Of course, I'm sure he just means Halliburton.

"I think the American public has moved their attention," Dean said. "It's not as important an issue. People are losing their jobs. They are losing their health insurance. People are losing hope in the country. I think they are just throwing up their hands, saying, 'My God, what's happening here?' "

Okay, first of all, when Dean says "My God," I don't know what weird liberal moon-god he's talking about, because the God of the Bible sure ain't his.

Also, I guarantee that if a Republican happened to discover the cure for cancer, Dean would find a way to make it sound like a bad thing. He'd probably say that it was all for the drug companies, not the cancer patients.

Of course, Mad How couldn't stop there. He had to attack John "Heinz Botox 57" Kerry as well:

"It seems to me sometimes there's a little of George Bush in John Kerry," Dean said in the interview. "George Bush says the most blatant things that are just plain false.

I wish there was a Schoolhouse Rock song about projection, because it would be very appropriate here. Wait! I've got it! Take "Conjunction Junction," but call it "Election Projection!" HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Wow, I need to get more sleep. Let's move on:

'No Child Left Behind' leaves every child behind, which is something John Kerry voted for," Dean said of the president's education plan.

And your proof of this horrible fact is...where?

"How many rationales has George Bush given us for the Iraq war? Well, how many rationales has John Kerry given us for the Iraq war, which he also supported?"

Notice how he doesn't even bother to claim that the rationales were false. He knows that "War bad! Appeasement good!" So the simple act of justifying military action is a cardinal sin. How else can you entertain us, Howie?

The candidate said he signed off on every important decision and every expenditure in Iowa and New Hampshire. He did say that as he went out to give his now-infamous speech after the Iowa caucuses, Trippi told him something along the lines of "let it rip."

I can just imagine the conversation after that one.

"When I said 'let it rip,' I didn't mean your shirt, Hulk."

What? What's that? You're telling me that it gets even BETTER?! Impossible!

...Dean said his test of how well he does in a speech is to watch it with the sound turned off. "I give myself an A for my speech in Iowa," he said. "I was smiling. I was pumped up. I was having a great time. I'd be the first to confess it wasn't very presidential."

See my previous "rock star" point. Apparently, what he says while he's entertaining the Deanie Babies isn't important. It's all about looking good and having fun.

This is not a president; This is an idiot. Here's more proof of that:

In his speech yesterday, Dean defended his idea to repeal all of the Bush tax cuts and use the money to reduce the deficit and provide universal health insurance.

Wow. You know, I seem to remember a sketch on SNL making fun of a candidate (I think it was Mondale, but my memory's fuzzy) because he was crazy enough to think that he could win an election by promising to raise taxes. Dean must really think Americans are idiots.

"Sure, we'll give you our hard-earned money, Mr. Crazy Man! In fact, why don't you take the money that other guy gave us too? We poor, uneducated peasants won't spend it as wisely as you will!"

The tax cuts have come at the cost of higher health-insurance premiums, college tuition costs and property taxes, he argued, adding up to "the largest middle-class tax increase in the history of the United States of America," a claim largely difficult to verify.

I love how they added "a claim largely difficult to verify" to the end of that quote, because it saves me a couple minutes of BANGING MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL trying to figure out how they could print such a stupid statement without qualification.

Dean received one of his biggest ovations after a heckler asked what he'd do to reduce the abortion rate.

You could use Wesley Clark's strategy and wait until after they're born so it's technically not abortion anymore.

He suggested universal health care for children...

I think you're gonna need more money than the tax cuts will provide for that, Howie. In any case, I'm pretty sure universal health care would be harmful to children, particularly those whose families could AFFORD something better.

...sex education that isn't just abstinence-based...

"I know! Let's try a more 'hands-on' approach and let 'em f**k right in the classroom! That way, we can make sure they do it right!"

...and finally, "We're going to tell all those white boys who run the Republican Party to stay out of our bedrooms."

HE. ACTUALLY. SAID. THAT.

I hardly know where to begin analyzing that statement. In order for it to be valid, the following things would have to be true:

1: Dean is a woman.
2: Dean is a BLACK woman.
3: The Republican Party has no people of color in it.
4: The Republican Party has no women in it.
5: The Evil White Males™ of the Republican Party routinely invade people's bedrooms.
6: Being pro-life somehow entails a desire to be in the bedrooms of black women.

Let's see here...nope! None of 'em are true. This, ladies and gentlemen, is a desperate and broken human being. I almost feel sorry for him. Almost. Let's look at one more statement:

Dean knows, though, that the screaming crowd is not representative of voters across the country and volume does not equal delegates.

"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-but I'm DEAN FOR AMERICA! My fans represent the common American proletarian citizen!"

"You can be as enthusiastic as you want in here and hoot and holler, but if you don't translate that into votes we're not going to make it," Dean said before adding a more positive spin. "We're going to win sooner or later, but I'd rather it be sooner than later."

That's really sad. He still thinks he's going to win. Allow me to close this post with a one-word explanation of why this won't happen:

"YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!"

Thank you.

Posted by CD on February 2, 2004 10:03 PM
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