The Pea-Brained Poodle

Since Pixy is currently doing something with the MuNu database, you're seeing this a few hours after it was written, but that shouldn't really change much. Anyway, it's time for a long-overdue fisking of Maureen Dowd. I know I said I wasn't going to write political posts until after finals, but...I'm pulling a Kerry on this one. Let's get started:

The Orwellian Olsens By MAUREEN DOWD

First of all, I still can't believe Maureen Dowd hasn't lost her job yet. Why can't the people who fired Ted Rall follow up on their moment of intelligence? Anyway...

It's their reality. We just live and die in it.

In Bushworld, our troops go to war and get killed, but you never see the bodies coming home.

Brilliant. Let's do something that will decrease morale just to make a political point. I'm sure that will help the casualties to go down.

In Bushworld, flag-draped remains of the fallen are important to revere and show the nation, but only in political ads hawking the president's leadership against terror.

Actually, the 9/11 images were used to show how the country pulled together after the worst attack in its history. In contrast, the left wants to use images of Iraq war casualties to prove that President Bush is a failure. Bit of a difference there, MoDo.

In Bushworld, we can create an exciting Iraqi democracy as long as it doesn't control its own military, pass any laws or have any power.

We've been there a year. The freaking U.S. didn't even have democracy in a year, and we didn't have suicide bombers and "insurgents" to deal with. But I guess Bush can just magically go from being an inept monkey to a genius with a "Make Iraq a Democracy" button. Keep dreaming.

In Bushworld, we can win over Falluja by bulldozing it.

As soon as someone mentions "bulldozing" Falluja, I might take that seriously.

In Bushworld, it was worth going to war so Iraqis can express their feelings ("Down With America!") without having their tongues cut out, although we cannot yet allow them to express intemperate feelings in newspapers ("Down With America!") without shutting them down.

Is she f**king serious? Is Michael "the Insurgents Are Iraq's Minutemen" Moore ghostwriting Dowd's columns now? Let me explain something to you, idiot: When "newspapers" are the cause of attacks on the U.S. armed forces, it is in the interest of the U.S. armed forces to shut them down. I can't remember where I saw this, but free speech ends where action begins. Are you going to say "screw them" next? I'm curious.

In Bushworld, it's fine to take $700 million that Congress provided for the war in Afghanistan and 9/11 recovery and divert it to the war in Iraq that you're insisting you're not planning.

This is the first I've heard of that one. I'm not sure exactly what point it's supposed to make. Wasn't the money for the War on Terror as a whole? Oh, right, "No connection between Iraq and Al Qaeda!"

In Bushworld, you don't consult your father, the expert in being president during a war with Iraq, but you do talk to your Higher Father, who can't talk back to warn you to get an exit strategy or chide you for using Him for political purposes.

I find it interesting that Dowd said that, even though she wrote another column claiming that Bush went to war to rebel against his father in some adolescent quest for greatness. I won't even get into the God comment. That's just plain wrong on many levels.

In Bushworld, it's O.K. to run for re-election as the avenger of 9/11, even as you make secret deals with the Arab kingdom where most of the 9/11 hijackers came from.

Those tinfoil hats must really be in style this season.

In Bushworld, you get to strut around like a tough military guy and paint your rival as a chicken hawk, even though he's the one who won medals in combat and was praised by his superior officers for fulfilling all his obligations.

Bush has not called Kerry a "chicken hawk." Neither has anyone else in his administration. And he "strutted around" once, after demonstrating that he does actually possess the ability to pilot an aircraft. I really get irritated by Dowd's "testosterone is the root of all evil" attitude toward Dubya. "We need a metrosexual president!"

In Bushworld, it makes sense to press for transparency in Mr. and Mrs. Rival while cultivating your own opacity.

Bush was asked to reveal all his records. Bush revealed his records. Kerry was asked to reveal all his records. Kerry said he would, then changed his mind and refused. I'm glad we could clear this up.

In Bushworld, you can reign as the antiterror president even after hearing an intelligence report about Al Qaeda's plans to attack America and then stepping outside to clear brush.

We knew about Al Qaeda's plans years before that, you blithering idiot. I didn't realize learning that terrorists want to terrorize people should cause us to prepare for armageddon. Thanks for enlightening me once again with your unbelievable brilliance in all matters of national defense.

In Bushworld, those who dissemble about the troops and money it will take to get Iraq on its feet are patriots, while those who are honest are patronizingly marginalized.

I think she just blended 2 points together on that one, because I have no idea what it means.

In Bushworld, they struggle to keep church and state separate in Iraq, even as they increasingly merge the two in America.

"If I say it, it must be true! The 'religious right' wants to oppress us all!!!!!!!!"

In Bushworld, you can claim to be the environmental president on Earth Day while being the industry president every other day.

Well, I'm convinced. I'm going to sell all my evil, planet-raping possessions and go live in the woods so I can be an "environmental" American. How can people who claim to be "progressive" be against progress?

In Bushworld, you brag about how well Afghanistan is going, even though soldiers like Pat Tillman are still dying and the Taliban are running freely around the border areas, hiding Osama and delaying elections.

Pat Tillman died on a mission to kill the Taliban forces, didn't he? War kills people. I'm sorry you weren't aware of that.

In Bushworld, imperfect intelligence is good enough to knock over Iraq. But even better evidence that North Korea is building the weapons that Saddam could only dream about is hidden away.

If it was being hidden away, you wouldn't know about it. And by your definition, our evidence against North Korea isn't good enough. No intelligence is perfect, so we can't logically act on it if your premise is correct. Wow.

In Bushworld, the C.I.A. says it can't find out whether there are W.M.D. in Iraq unless we invade on the grounds that there are W.M.D.

Among the MANY REASONS we invaded was the fact that Hussein never proved that he didn't have WMD. We even involved the U.N., that brilliant, unbiased defender of international law. What more could you ask for?

In Bushworld, there's no irony that so many who did so much to avoid the Vietnam draft have now strained the military so much that lawmakers are talking about bringing back the draft.

If you would actually try to comprehend the verbal diarrhea leaking out of their mouths, you'd realize that they're just trying to scare people. The military has more people than it needs. I guess that in Dowdworld, that means we should have a draft. That makes my head hurt.

In Bushworld, we're making progress in the war on terror by fighting a war that creates terrorists.

They were already terrorists. We're just giving them a quick and easy way to die, instead of letting them recruit more terrorists to kill innocent people. If the WoT creates terrorists, then fishing creates fish.

In Bushworld, you don't need to bother asking your vice president and top Defense Department officials whether you should go to war in Iraq, because they've already maneuvered you into going to war.

Kerrytastic! So, it's not Bush's fault it all! It was just his eeeeeeevil advisors! I really wish they'd pick either the "dumb chimp" or "evil genius" meme and stick with it. It would make life so much simpler.

In Bushworld, it's perfectly natural for the president and vice president to appear before the 9/11 commission like the Olsen twins.

What a horrible analogy. Wow.

In Bushworld, you expound on remaking the Middle East and spreading pro-American sentiments even as you expand anti-American sentiments by ineptly occupying Iraq and unstintingly backing Ariel Sharon on West Bank settlements.

I'm so glad you've decided that Iraq is a failure and Israel is evil. How do you argue with these people?

In Bushworld, we went to war to give Iraq a democratic process, yet we disdain the democratic process that causes allies to pull out troops.

Nobody's stopping them from pulling out their troops. They're just saying that it's a bad idea. That's the essence of democracy. I guess this is another Dowdworld fact: "If everybody doesn't agree, it's not a democracy! YOU DEBATING FASCISTS!!!!"

In Bushworld, you pride yourself on the fact that your administration does not leak to the press, while you flood the best-known journalist in Washington with inside information.

I really have no idea what that's alluding to. Anybody? Bueller?

In Bushworld, you list Bob Woodward's "Plan of Attack" as recommended reading on your campaign Web site, even though it makes you seem divorced from reality. That is, unless you live in Bushworld.

And in the real world, you actually back up statements like that with some kind of facts, instead of believing that everyone on Earth shares your opinion. But this isn't the real world. This is...DOWDWORLD.

And now, back to procrastinating.

Posted by CD on April 25, 2004 02:11 PM
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