Blarg

Yeah...haven't been posting much lately.

Honesly, I've been fucking depressed for the last couple weeks. It doesn't make much sense. I finally realized that I could enjoy being around other people, I was motivating myself to get more work done, and I even managed to keep my room clean for a few days. But lately, I've just been sitting around and procrastinating. Work is piling up, I'm sleeping through morning classes too often, I'm about halfway through an anthropology assignment as I type this...it sucks.

And I think I know why: It's precisely because of the aforementioned realization that I could have fun with others. For most of my life, I've been able to deal with my lack of friends by convincing myself that I didn't want or need a social life, and that friendship was overrated. It's only in the last month or so that I started to truly desire a social life, and while I was excited at first, I keep looking back on the last three years of college and thinking about all the opportunities I missed, and how I'm supposed to be getting serious now instead of taking advantage of the "fun" aspects of the university experience, and it pisses me the fuck off.

I'm tired of doing work. Everything up to this point has revolved around it; Throughout college, I've always been either doing work or putting it off by doing something distracting, but staying in my room so I could at least pretend to be preparing to get the work done. A lot of that time I wasted procrastinating could've been used to go out and do things, and now that I actually want to do that, I don't have enough time or opportunities to really act on the desire.

I have been trying, obviously. I went to an improv comedy show two weeks ago, I went to a sketch comedy show last weekend, and I'm going to see Bill Cosby this Friday, but still...I'm always going alone and coming straight home afterwards. It feels like the universe is trying to keep me from adding other people to my activities. At the improv show, someone I know from drumline tried to sit next to me, but the seat in question was only empty because the guy who had been sitting there was in the bathroom or something. This weekend, the only people I knew were either in the show or working the door/lights. I have no solid connections, and even if I make slight progress, I don't think I'll be able to make up for the years of experience I've missed.

So, yeah. I'm pissed off and depressed because I've wasted a good deal of my youth trying to be above everything I considered "immature," and now that I'm almost ready to enter the real world, all I want to do is make some friends and hang out, something I should've gotten the hang of back in kindergarten. I want to stop simply existing and start living.

Also, I mention this way too much, but I still really, really would like to get a girlfriend, preferably before I fucking turn 30. The loneliness is starting to become physically painful (see "The Frustration Post" from a few days back). I've actually started to fantasize about just meeting a cute girl somewhere and having a nice conversation. How pathetic is that?

I know that self pity isn't attractive, but still...fuck. FUCK. If I get any more bent out of shape about this shit, I might accidentally record a fucking emo album.

At the very least, I wish some SIT readers lived near me. You (however many are left) seem like pretty cool people.