I Don't Even Know

This may just seem vaguely funny to me right now because I'm bored and out of Concerta, and I'll probably read it in a few hours and wonder what the hell I was thinking, but I couldn't help myself.

I have come up with a movie that should've been made, and it's probably too late now.

Picture this: It's the late 80s, and action movies are all the rage. Arnold Schwarzenegger stars in an exciting film about a terrible stand-up comedian who takes a second job as a police officer for some reason, and violent hilarity ensues.

Can you imagine the "so unfunny it actually becomes funny" one-liners and awesome moments that "Stand-Up Cop" would produce? I mean, a lot of them have been done before, but gathered in one place...think of the possibilities (these are funnier if you read them in Schwarzenegger's voice)!

- SUC stabs a guy:
"Take my knife, please!"

- "Knock knock!"
"Who's there?"
SUC kicks the door open
"A bazooka!"
Massive explosion

- SUC has to chew through a guy's neck a la Jack Bauer to escape a hostile situation. His partner walks in and surveys the carnage:
"What happened here?"
"He told me he hadn't had a bite all day!"

- "How many light bulbs does it take to screw up your face? Just one!"
SUC jams a light bulb in the guy's eye and shatters it with his fist

- SUC disembowels a guy disguised as some sort of service employee, then looks down at the body and notices a "Hi, my name is Michael!" tag:
"It must be open Mike night!"

- SUC somehow blows up a particularly fat henchman, coating the walls and ceiling with blood and gore:
"Wow, you really do sit around the house!"

- SUC is questioning a belligerent suspect:
"I saw your act, and I didn't laugh at a single joke!"
"Maybe you missed the punchline!"
Punches him in the face

- "Two guys walk into a bar..."
SUC hits two guys in the face with a crowbar

- In a climactic sequence, SUC commandeers a tank, pursues the main villain's getaway car, and blasts it into a ditch. The villain stumbles out of the car and tries to crawl across the street:
"Why did the dickhead cross the road? To get to the underside of my tank!"
Runs him over with the tank

- Finally, in the epilogue, SUC has gone back to full-time comedy. A newspaper review describes how he bombs every night. We see a shot of the critic's house exploding, and then the credits roll. Because this is a silly action movie, the audience finds this hilarious and not horrifying and/or psychopathic.

...Holy fuck, I have a strange mind.