Bob and Joe Vs. the Afterlife

by
Christopher M. Dunlap

Spone Zone Productions
2005

____________________________________________________________________________________

                                                               FADE IN:

               EXT. A CITY STREET - DAY

               BOB, JOE, and JUKEBOX walk down the street talking to one
               another.  

                                   JOE
                         Dude, I'm telling you, spones are
                         the next big thing.  When you're
                         eating pudding and you have to call
                         someone, and you have to choose one
                         or the other...you'll be fuckin'
                         sorry.

                                   BOB
                         But dude...I don't eat pudding,
                         dude. Until they make a spone
                         that's compatible with ice cream,
                         forget it.

                                   JOE
                         You can use it for either one,
                         dude!  That's why spones kick so
                         much ass!  As soon as I can afford
                         one, I'm going to be the fuckin'
                         sponemaster.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, dis be makin' me hungry, my
                         niggas.  

                                   JOE
                         Yeah, now that you mention it, I'm
                         hungry too.  What about you, Bob?

                                   BOB
                         Yes, ponies are pretty.  Thanks for
                         asking.

                                   JOE
                         What? 

                                   BOB
                         Oh, sorry, I wasn't paying
                         attention.  What did you say?

                                   JOE
                         I asked if you were fucking hungry!

                                   BOB
                         Sure, why not?

                                   JOE
                         ...Okay, then.  Let's check out
                         that new fast food place on 23rd
                         Street.  

               They walk off screen.

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. A FAST FOOD RESTAURANT - DAY

               BOB, JOE, and JUKEBOX walk in the front door and get in line. 
               A woman steps up to the counter to take their orders.

                                   WOMAN
                         Welcome to Burger Bonanza!  Can I
                         take your orders?

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, bizzle, gimme a cheesebizzle
                         straight off da grizzle, and some
                         big-ass frizzles.  And let me have
                         a milkshizzle to go wit dat.  Ya
                         heard?

                                   WOMAN
                         ...Could you repeat that?

                                   JOE
                         Oh, for the love of...lady, he
                         wants a cheeseburger with large
                         fries and a milkshake.  

                                   WOMAN
                         Oh.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Word.

                                   JOE
                         You know what?  I'm going to have
                         the same thing. 

                                   WOMAN
                         All right.  And you?

                                   BOB
                         I'll have a chicken sandwich and a
                         large fries, please.

                                   JOE
                         Wait a minute, "a large fries?"  Is
                         that grammatically possible?

                                   WOMAN
                         Your food will be ready in a couple
                         minutes.

                                   JOE
                         ...Thanks.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         I hope one of you bitches be payin,
                         cause I ain't got shit.  

                                   JOE
                         You son of a...fine, I'll pay.  But
                         you fuckin' owe me.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Owe you?  I own you, biatch!

                                   JOE
                         Juke, remember that photo Mom took
                         when you were little? The one you
                         never wanted anyone to see again? 
                         The one that I just happen to know
                         the exact location of?

                                   JUKEBOX
                             (quietly, and without the
                              ghetto accent)
                         ...I'll pay you back tomorrow.

                                   JOE
                         Damn straight.

                                   WOMAN
                         Okay, two cheeseburgers, two
                         milkshakes...

                                   JOE
                         That's ours.

               JOE grabs the food out of her hands.

                                   WOMAN
                         ...And here's your chicken
                         sandwich...

               She hands another bag to BOB.

                                   WOMAN (CONT'D)                                                                                            
                         ...And one large fries.

               She hands BOB a thick French fry which is frayed at the end
               into more individual fries.  It resembles a fried palm tree.

                                   JOE
                         Well I'll be fucked...a large
                         fries.

                                   WOMAN
                         That'll be $12.75.

               JOE takes out his wallet and pays.

                                   WOMAN (CONT'D)
                         Have a nice day!

                                   JOE
                         Yeah, yeah...let's eat.

               They take their food and sit down at a table next to the
               window, then start eating.  This is off to a laughtastic
               start, ain't it?

                                   JOE
                         Bob...uh...why did you get
                         that...thing?

                                   BOB
                             (peeling the "fries")
                         Dude, haven't you ever eaten string
                         cheese?  It's the same deal, dude.

                                   JOE
                         But you could've just gotten
                         regular...never mind.

               After a few seconds, a man talking on a cellular phone nearby
               breaks the silence.  He is in his late 30s and has unkempt
               hair and large glasses.  He appears to be extremely mad at
               the person on the other end of the line.  

                                   MAN
                         What?  How can you pull out now? 
                         Do you realize how important this
                         is?

               Pause.

                                   MAN (CONT'D)
                         You were never afraid before, damn
                         it!  How is this any different?  

               Pause.

                                   MAN (CONT'D)
                         So you're just going to leave me
                         hanging?  Sweet fuck on a stick,
                         you flaky bastard, we had this all
                         planned out!  Don't you care about
                         the reward?

                                   JOE
                         Hey, this sounds intriguing...

                                   MAN
                         We were gonna be rich!  Do you
                         understand that?  Rich!!!

               JOE gradually looks more and more interested.

                                   MAN (CONT'D)
                         Well I can't do this alone, you
                         know.  You'd better change your
                         mind in the next 24 hours, or else
                         we're both fucked.  

               He closes his phone, then goes back to his meal with a
               defeated expression.  JOE leans over to him.

                                   JOE
                         Correct me if I'm wrong, but I
                         believe I just heard you mention a
                         large sum of money.

                                   MAN
                             (partially ignoring him)
                         We were gonna be rich...

                                   JOE
                         If you're looking for help, maybe I
                         can provide it.

                                   MAN
                         I doubt that...

                                   JOE
                             (speaking as if he's at a
                              job interview)
                         You'd be surprised at how talented
                         I am in a diverse array of
                         fields...

                                   MAN
                             (looking up)
                         Let me ask you something. 
                         Can you look Death himself in the
                         eye and laugh in that bony
                         bastard's face?

                                   JOE
                         If it's for money, sure.

                                   MAN
                         I don't believe you.  You really
                         don't know what you're asking here.

                                   JOE
                         Look, just tell me how you were
                         planning to get rich.  I need to
                         buy a spone!

                                   MAN
                         Do you really want to know? 
                         Because what I'm about to tell you
                         could change your life forever.

                                   JOE
                         Even better.  My life fucking
                         sucks.  So, how 'bout that money?

                                   MAN
                         All right, if you're so determined,
                         I'll let you in on my mission.  You
                         see, I'm a ghost hunter.  The
                         name's Etta.  Henry Etta.

                                   JOE
                         Henrietta?  Dude, that's a chick's
                         name!  Bwahaha!

                                   MAN (AKA HENRY)
                         ...You know what?  You can just
                         call me "Hank," all right?

                                   JOE
                         So that would make you Hank E.?

                                   HENRY
                         Yeah...

                                   JOE
                             (stifling laughter)
                         Mister Hank E.?

                                   HENRY
                         I suppose you could-

                                   JOE
                         Bwahahaha!  You're a talkin' piece
                         of poo!

                                   HENRY
                         What?

                                   JOE
                             (waving)
                         Hooooowdy ho!  Bwahahahaha!

                                   HENRY
                         Come on, don't be such a fucking
                         douchebasin!

                                   JOE
                             (stops laughing)
                         ...A what now?

                                   HENRY
                         Never mind.  Are you going to
                         listen to me, or do I have to find
                         someone else who wants to get rich?

               JOE looks interested again.

                                   JOE
                         I will cease the douchebasinry. 
                         Please continue, Mister Hank...E.

               JOE stifles his laughter.

                                   HENRY
                         Now, as I was saying, I'm a ghost
                         hunter.  I've chased those haunty
                         bastards all around this country.  

                                   JOE
                         Dude...you know ghosts aren't real,
                         right?

                                   HENRY
                             (angry)
                         You don't know what I've fucking
                         seen, man!!!

                                   JOE
                         ...Obviously not.

                                   HENRY
                             (back to normal)
                         I don't care what you've heard. 
                         Ghosts exist, and those fuckers are
                         everywhere.

                                   JOE
                         So in other words... 

               JOE leans in closer.

                                   JOE (CONT'D)
                             (whispering)
                         You see dead people.

               JOE starts to laugh again.

                                   HENRY
                         Look, taintfondler, I don't have
                         time for this bullshit!

                                   JOE
                         ...What the fuck is with these
                         words you keep using?

                                   HENRY
                         It doesn't matter, okay?  If you
                         interrupt me again, I'm leaving.

                                   JOE
                         This reward had better be good.

                                   HENRY
                         I was just about to get to that. 
                         See, that guy I was talking to on
                         the phone a second ago was my
                         partner.

                                   JOE
                         Oh, you're one of those...

                                   HENRY
                             (irritated)
                         My ghost hunting partner, smartass.

                                   JOE
                         Ah.

                                   HENRY
                         We were planning our most daring
                         adventure yet, but he apparently
                         decided that he's afraid to deal
                         with this ghost.  The bastard just
                         flaked out on me.  

                                   JOE
                         What does any of this have to do
                         with me making a shitload of money?

                                   HENRY
                         Well, the local Supernatural
                         Society is offering a huge reward
                         for evidence of haunting in the old
                         mansion on the edge of town.

                                   JOE
                         We have a Supernatural Society?  

                                   HENRY
                         Yes, and they have lots of money.  

                                   JOE
                         Now you're talkin'.

                                   HENRY
                         That mansion was once the home of a
                         man named Thaddeus Pricklestankler. 
                         But he died there under mysterious
                         circumstances about 100 years ago.

                                   JOE
                         He probably killed himself because
                         he was tired of having a stupid
                         name.  

                                   HENRY
                         For all we know, that's what
                         happened.  But the important thing
                         is that people have reported
                         inexplicable events there for the
                         past few years.  Lately, they've
                         been getting worse, and the Society
                         thinks old Thaddeus is still
                         hanging around his mansion. That's
                         where I come in.

                                   JOE
                         So all we have to do is find
                         evidence of this Pricklestankler
                         dude, and we'll be rolling in
                         sweet, sweet cash?

                                   HENRY
                         That's what they tell me.  But it's
                         not as easy as that.

                                   JOE
                         Fuck.

                                   HENRY
                         My partner is the only one who
                         knows how to use some of the
                         equipment.  He was going to finish
                         showing me the more complicated
                         stuff when we got there...but he
                         chickened out.

                                   JOE
                         I can figure it out.  I'm a fast
                         learner.  

                                   HENRY
                         Could've fooled me.

                                   JOE
                         Son of a-

                                   HENRY
                         Hey, you were due.  

                                   JOE
                         Bastard.

                                   HENRY
                         Anyway, if you're willing to help,
                         you can give it a shot.  I'm
                         warning you though...ghost hunting
                         is not a walk in the park.  Unless
                         you're investigating a haunted
                         park...which I did once...those
                         were the days...I remember it as
                         though it were-

                                   JOE
                         Hey, I'm still here!

                                   HENRY
                         Oh, sorry.  I sometimes flash back
                         without realizing it.

                                   JOE
                         That's...great.

                                   HENRY
                         It's settled, then.  By the way, do
                         you think your friends would want
                         to help out?  We might have better
                         chances with more people.

                                   JOE
                         What friends?  There's nobody else
                         here.  I don't know what you're
                         talking about.  That's crazy.  I'm-

                                   BOB
                         Dude, we're sitting three feet
                         away.  

                                   JOE
                         Shit.

                                   HENRY
                         How about it?  Do you guys want to
                         come along?

                                   BOB
                         Sure, I'll help you find this
                         Tasmanian Poodlestrangler.

               JOE headbutts the window, leaving a faceprint for a few
               seconds.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, if there be bling involved,
                         I'll work wit y'all.

                                   JOE
                         You fuckin'...all right, you two
                         can come.  But if we split up the
                         reward, I get enough money to buy a
                         spone.  Got it?

                                   HENRY
                         Don't worry about the reward, okay? 
                         There'll be more than enough to go
                         around.

                                   JOE
                         I like those odds.  

                                   HENRY
                         Now, if we're going to do this
                         right, we need to have a plan. 
                         We'll meet me at my place around 7
                         tonight to discuss the details, and
                         then we can head out tomorrow
                         morning.  Here's my address.

               HENRY writes something down and hands it to JOE.

                                   JOE
                         Oh, yeah.  This thing is my ticket
                         to the Spone Zone.

                                   HENRY
                         By the way, I never got your names.

                                   JOE
                         I'm Joe.

                                   BOB
                         I'm...wait a second...

               BOB takes his driver's license out of his pocket and looks at
               it.

                                   BOB (CONT'D)
                         ...Expiration Date.  

               HENRY stares at him.

                                   BOB (CONT'D)
                         Um...I mean...

               BOB looks at the license again.

                                   BOB (CONT'D)
                         ...Bob.  My name is Bob.

               JOE appears to be in pain.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, dawg, I be Jukebox.  

                                   HENRY
                         Come on, if we're gonna be working
                         together, I need your real name.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Are you sayin' I don't keep it
                         real, dawg? I'm tellin' you, my
                         name be Jukebox!

                                   HENRY
                         Oh.  I...see.  

                                   JOE
                         No, his name really is Jukebox,
                         dude. You can ask our parents if
                         you want. 

                                   HENRY
                         You're related?

                                   JOE
                             (sarcastically)
                         Oh no, we've never met before, but
                         we just happen to have the same
                         parents.

                                   HENRY
                         Okay, never mind.  So, you're Joe,
                         Bob, and...Juke...box...great. 
                         Nice to meet you.  Now if you'll
                         excuse me, I've got business to
                         attend to.

               HENRY throws his trash away and walks into the bathroom.

                                   JOE
                         He really didn't need to tell us
                         that.

                                                               FADE TO:

               EXT. A STREET IN THE SUBURBS - EVENING

               BOB, JOE, and JUKEBOX walk toward a small house.  JOE rings
               the doorbell, which plays the theme from "Ghostbusters."

                                   JOE
                         I can't believe I didn't see that
                         coming.

               After a few seconds, HENRY answers the door.  He cracks it
               open and looks around before opening it all the way, and he
               appears to be nervous about something.

                                   HENRY
                         Hi...come on in...side.

                                   JOE
                         Are you okay, dude?

                                   HENRY
                         Okay?  Of course I am!  In fact,
                         I'm spectacular!  Ha ha!

               HENRY continues laughing nervously and sweating.

                                   JOE
                             (to himself)
                         Why do I get the feeling I've made
                         a huge mistake?

               They walk inside, following HENRY to the living room.  They
               sit down around a table with a few notebooks and pieces of
               electrical equipment on it.

                                   HENRY
                         Okay, since we're going to start
                         tomorrow, I'll show you the
                         equipment when we get there.  But
                         you need to know what you're
                         getting into.  

               The lights start to dim.

                                   JOE
                         What the-?

                                   BOB
                         Dude...I'm scared, dude.

                                   JOE
                         Why me?

               All the lights turn out except for a small lamp next to
               HENRY.  

                                   HENRY
                             (becoming louder and more
                              animated as he goes)
                         Now, I'm going to tell you the
                         story of Thaddeus Pricklestankler. 
                         Prepare yourselves, for what you
                         are about to hear may frighten you. 
                         It may disturb you.  It may make
                         you want to scoop out your own
                         brain just to erase the horror from
                         your memory!  It may-

                                   JOE
                         Get to the fucking point!

                                   HENRY
                             (quietly)
                         ...Oh, sorry.  So, as I was saying,
                         you need to hear the story of
                         Thaddeus Pricklestankler.  Thaddeus
                         was born in 1855, and-

                                   BOB
                         AAAAAHHH!  It's too scary, dude!  I
                         can't take it!

               BOB runs out of the room screaming.

                                   JOE
                         I'll be right back.

               JOE takes a sock out of his left pocket, then takes a
               doorknob out of his right pocket and stuffs it inside the
               sock.  He gets up and walks in the direction BOB went.

                                   BOB (O.S.)
                         Dude, not the knobsock!

               After a few seconds, BOB walks back in.  JOE follows him.

                                   JOE
                         You were saying?

                                   HENRY
                         ...Uh...right.  Thaddeus
                         Pricklestankler was born in 1855
                         right here in this town.  His
                         father, Eldridge Pricklestankler,
                         was killed in the Civil War...

                                                                CUT TO:

               EXT. A CIVIL WAR BATTLEFIELD - DAY

               A uniformed man with a musket falls to the ground.

                                   SOLDIER (O.S.)
                         Pricklestankler, nooooooooo!!!

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. HENRY'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING

                                   HENRY
                         ...and Thaddeus was forced to start
                         working at a railyard at age 10.

                                                                CUT TO:

               EXT. A RAILYARD - DAY

               A young boy, presumably THADDEUS, stands next to a train
               track and looks up at a passing train.

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. HENRY'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING

                                   HENRY 
                         By age 30, he had worked his way to
                         the top, and he controlled all the
                         train stations in this area.

                                                                CUT TO:

               EXT. A RAILYARD - DAY

               THADDEUS, now an adult, stands in the same spot as before
               with a smile on his face.

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. HENRY'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING

                                   JOE
                         All the stations in this area?  How
                         many were there?

                                   HENRY
                         ...Two.  But you have to adjust for
                         inflation.

                                   JOE
                         What?

                                   HENRY
                             (ignoring him)
                         Anyway, Thaddeus got rich, and he
                         used the money to build a mansion
                         on the edge of town.

                                                                CUT TO:

               EXT. THE PRICKLESTANKLER MANSION - DAY

               THADDEUS supervises the construction of his new home.

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. HENRY'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING

                         Back in those days, he was known as
                         a kind, generous man who would
                         sacrifice his own well-being just
                         to feed a homeless kitten.

                                                                CUT TO:

               EXT. AN ALLEY - DAY

               THADDEUS gives a bowl of milk to a stray kitten.

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. HENRY'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING

                                   JOE
                         ...O...kay.

                                   HENRY
                         ...But they say that money
                         corrupted him, and in 1890, he
                         stopped going to work, choosing
                         instead to have his assistants
                         deliver his orders each day.  By
                         1895, he had locked himself inside
                         his mansion, and people said they
                         could hear the sounds of
                         construction from inside.

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. THE PRICKLESTANKLER MANSION - EVENING

               THADDEUS sits in a shadowy corner.  Sawing and hammering can
               be heard in the background.

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. HENRY'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING

                                   HENRY 
                         Then, in 1902, the sounds stopped,
                         and Thaddeus Pricklestankler was
                         never heard from again.

                                                                CUT TO:

               EXT. THE PRICKLESTANKLER MANSION - EVENING

               The sun sets on the mansion, and a time lapse sequence shows
               the building gradually deteriorating as a new community
               springs up behind it.

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. HENRY'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING

                                   HENRY 
                         A few people tried to get into the
                         mansion, but Thaddeus had locked
                         the doors and barred the windows. 
                         The building sat there for almost a
                         century before it was purchased. 
                         The new owner and caretaker found a
                         way inside, and ever since then,
                         people have reported hearing
                         strange sounds coming from the
                         property. Anyone who tries to enter
                         feels a sense of impending doom. 
                         Nobody has been in there except the
                         owner...but we're going to check it
                         out.

                                   JOE
                         Wait a minute...how does the owner
                         go inside?

                                   HENRY
                         Apparently, he built a shack for
                         himself in the backyard, and he
                         only goes in the house when
                         absolutely necessary.  I hope to
                         find out more when we interview him
                         tomorrow.

                                   JOE
                         You didn't tell me I would have to
                         deal with other people!

                                   HENRY
                         Do you want the reward or not?

                                   JOE
                         ...Fuck.

                                   HENRY
                         So, what do you guys think?  Are
                         you still going to help?

               BOB sits perfectly still and stares into space.

                                   BOB
                         Y-yes...sir.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Shee-it, I ain't scared of no bitch
                         ass gizost.  Bring dat playa-hatin'
                         muthafucka on, son!

                                   HENRY
                         Great!  We'll head out tomorrow
                         morning.  Meet me here at 8:00
                         sharp.  And bring all the courage
                         you can muster, for this shall be a
                         true test of your-

                                   JOE
                         Stop doing that!

                                   HENRY
                         Oh...sorry again.  Anyway, you'd
                         better go home and get some sleep. 
                         I assure you, any nightmares you
                         may have will not even come close
                         to the sheer terror you will-

                                   JOE
                         What did I just tell you?!

                                   HENRY
                         ...I'll let you go now.

               BOB, JOE, and JUKEBOX leave the room and walk toward the
               door.

                                                                CUT TO:

               EXT. HENRY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

               They open the front door and walk toward the street.

                                   BOB
                         Dude...that story was scary.  Can I
                         sleep in your room tonight, Joe?

                                   JOE
                         What?  You have your own fucking
                         house, you idiot!

                                   BOB
                         But...the ghosts might come for me!

                                   JOE
                             (to himself)
                         I wish I had a flamethrower...not a
                         big one...but just big enough to
                         singe him...

                                   BOB
                         Did you say something?

                                   JOE
                         Did I?

                                   BOB
                         ...I guess not.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, I'll catch y'all later.  Peace
                         out, homies.

               JUKEBOX walks in another direction.  BOB and JOE keep going
               the same way.  They reach an intersection, and JOE turns
               left, with BOB following him.

                                   JOE
                         Bob, your house is the other way,
                         dude.

                                   BOB
                         I'm scared to be alone!

                                   JOE
                         You'll be a lot more scared in a
                         second if you don't back off.

                                   BOB
                         ...Sorry, sir.

               BOB turns around and walks back to the intersection.

                                   JOE
                         What did I do to deserve this?  

               JOE walks off camera.

                                                               FADE TO:

               EXT. HENRY'S HOUSE - MORNING

               BOB, JOE, and JUKEBOX walk up to HENRY'S door.  JOE rings the
               bell, and HENRY sticks his head out.

                                   JOE
                             (waving)
                         Hooooowdy ho!

                                   HENRY
                         Mornin', taintfondler.

                                   JOE
                         ...Damn it.

               HENRY opens the door and lets them in.  He walks into the
               kitchen and picks up a banana.  He peels it as he starts to
               talk.

                                   HENRY
                         I was just finishing my breakfast. 
                         We can leave in a couple minutes.

               JUKEBOX stares at HENRY angrily.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, what da fuck, dawg?  You be
                         tryin' to hate on me?

                                   HENRY
                         What?

                                   JUKEBOX
                             (pointing at the banana)
                         What you be doin' wit dat thing in
                         front of me, honky?  

                                   HENRY
                         It's...just my daily serving of
                         fruit. Why?

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, you be trippin', son.  You
                         think I be a ape goin' "oooh oooh
                         eee eee?"

                                   HENRY
                         What are you talking about?

                                   JUKEBOX
                         I don't need y'all to be hatin' on
                         my peeps, cracka-ass!

                                   HENRY
                             (angry)
                         It's just a banana, fuckmonger!!!

               JUKEBOX backs away nervously.

                                   HENRY
                             (back to normal)
                         ...Sorry.  

                                   JUKEBOX
                             (still backing away)
                         ...It's coo', Hen-rizzle, it's
                         coo'.  You jus' do yo thang...

                                   HENRY
                         So, are you guys ready to
                         experience the thrill of a ghost
                         hunt?

                                   JOE
                         If by "a ghost hunt," you mean
                         "buying a spone," then yes, I am.

                                   HENRY
                             (still eating the banana)
                         I guarantee you, ghost hunting is
                         more exciting than enhanced
                         utensils.  You'll see.

                                   JOE
                         Then hurry up and eat your stupid
                         banana before I change my mind.

                                   HENRY
                             (under his breath)
                         Douchebasket...

                                   JOE
                         What?

                                   HENRY
                         I said "good banana."

                                   JOE
                         No you fuckin' didn't!

                                   HENRY
                         Sure I did.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, y'all be trippin'.  We gon' do
                         dis shit or not?

                                   HENRY
                         Fine.  My car's in the driveway.

                                   BOB
                         Shotgun!

                                   JOE
                         You son of a bitch, it's too early
                         to call that!

                                   BOB
                             (pointing to a shotgun on
                              the wall)
                         What?  I just think this thing is
                         cool. 

                                   JOE
                         Oh.  Well, then I-

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Shotgizzle, bitches!

                                   JOE
                         I hate you all.

               They walk out the front door.

                                                                CUT TO:

               EXT. HENRY'S HOUSE - MORNING

               They get into HENRY'S car, with JUKEBOX in the passenger
               seat.  JOE glares at JUKEBOX as HENRY starts the car and
               pulls out of the driveway.

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. HENRY'S CAR - MORNING

               HENRY drives nervously, looking over his shoulder every few
               seconds.

                                   JOE
                         How far away is this place?

                                   HENRY
                         Five minutes, I guess.

                                   JOE
                             (looking at BOB and
                              JUKEBOX)
                         ...That's too long.  You need to go
                         faster.

                                   HENRY
                         Are you crazy?  I can't just draw
                         attention to myself like that! 
                         What if they see me?

                                   JOE
                         ...What if who sees you?

                                   HENRY
                         Don't play dumb with me.  You're
                         one of them, aren't you?!

                                   JOE
                         That's it, I'm outta here.

               JOE tries to open his door, but it's locked.

                                   JOE (CONT'D)
                         Shit.

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               EXT. THE PRICKLESTANKLER MANSION - MORNING

               The car pulls up in front of the mansion, and HENRY gets out,
               followed by JUKEBOX, BOB, and JOE.

                                   HENRY
                         This is it.  All we have to do is
                         talk to the owner, and we're good
                         to go.

                                   JOE
                             (sarcastically)
                         Yeah, that sounds like fun.  Can I
                         stay here?

                                   HENRY
                         Joe, this is one of the key parts
                         of the mission.  We have to try and
                         get as much information from this
                         guy as possible.  He's the only
                         living person who's been inside the
                         mansion in years.

                                   JOE
                         So in other words, he's probably
                         even crazier than you.  I'm staying
                         here.

                                   HENRY
                         If you don't come with us, you're
                         not getting your share of the
                         reward.  Now let's go.

                                   JOE
                         But...you...fine.  Where is he?

                                   HENRY
                             (pointing to the right)
                         His shack is right over there.  I
                         called him last night and told him
                         we were coming, so he should be
                         home.  Let's go check it out.

                                   BOB
                         Mr. Hankey, is-

                                   HENRY
                             (angry)
                         Piss on a pinwheel, that's not my
                         fucking name!

               BOB pauses for a second, then continues where he left off.

                                   BOB
                         ...Is the owner a ghost too?

                                   HENRY
                         What?  Of course not.

                                   BOB
                         Oh, good.  I was getting scared
                         already.

                                   JOE
                         Bob, did you know that if you don't
                         talk, the ghosts can't get you?

                                   BOB
                         Really?  Wow!  

               BOB covers his mouth with his hands and winks like an idiot.

                                   JOE
                         There.  Just stay like that for the
                         next few hours, and you'll be safe.

                                   HENRY
                         Joe, you know that...

               HENRY glances at BOB, who winks again.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         ...Yeah, Bob, you're fine.

               They walk over to a small shack on the edge of the property,
               and HENRY knocks on the door.  The mansion's OWNER, an older
               gentleman who looks like he just woke up, opens the door and
               greets them in a heavy British accent.

                                   OWNER
                         Good morning.  I take it you're
                         Henry Etta?

               JOE laughs quietly, and HENRY glares at him, then turns back.

                                   HENRY
                         Yes.  Are you Lucius Blundersmythe,
                         owner of the Pricklestankler
                         mansion?

                                   OWNER (AKA LUCIUS)
                         I am.

                                   JOE
                         Wait, your name is Lucius
                         Blundersmythe?

                                   LUCIUS
                         Indeed.

                                   JOE
                         Are you related to a guy named
                         Lenny?

                                   LUCIUS
                             (looks downward)
                         We...prefer not to speak of Leonard
                         these days.

                                   JOE
                         Yeah, that's probably a good idea.

                                   LUCIUS
                         I take it these are the assistants
                         you spoke of.  

                                   HENRY
                         Right.  This is Joe...

               JOE turns his head in HENRY'S general direction.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         ...Bob...

                                   BOB
                         Who?  Oh, right.  Hi.

               JOE turns around and appears to be cursing to himself.

                                   HENRY
                         ...And Jukebox.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         'Sup, whitey.

                                   LUCIUS
                         It's a pleasure to meet you all. 
                         Now, how much time will you be
                         needing today?

                                   HENRY
                         As much as it takes to find this
                         ghost.  If you don't mind, we'd
                         like to talk to you before we get
                         started.

                                   LUCIUS
                         Very well.  Step into my abode, and
                         we can begin.

               LUCIUS leads them into his shack.

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. THE SHACK - MORNING

               The interior of the shack is in a state of disarray, with
               papers and various objects scattered around.  LUCIUS sits
               down on a cot, and the others gather around.  HENRY sits on a
               chair next to LUCIUS and pulls out a notepad.

                                   HENRY
                         So, you've lived here ever since
                         you bought the mansion?

                                   LUCIUS
                         I have.  

                                   HENRY
                         And you built the shack so you
                         wouldn't have to deal with the
                         haunting, right?

                                   LUCIUS
                         Something like that, yes.

                                   HENRY
                         Now, how would you describe the
                         ghostly experiences you've had in
                         the main building?

                                   LUCIUS
                         It's rather odd, really.  I step
                         inside, and I get the feeling
                         someone is staring at me from afar. 
                         I sometimes hear the faint sounds
                         of pounding and sawing from below,
                         even when I'm on the ground floor. 
                         It's all very peculiar.

                                   HENRY
                         Have you ever seen any paranormal
                         phenomena?

                                   LUCIUS
                         Only a few brief glimpses.  Nothing
                         concrete.

                                   HENRY
                         We'll have our work cut out for us
                         then.  Before we get out of here, I
                         have to ask...why stay if the place
                         is haunted?  

                                   LUCIUS
                         Actually, I think it would be a
                         perfect tourist attraction.  I
                         could use the money.  You don't
                         think I enjoy living in a shack
                         next to a haunted house, do you?

                                   HENRY
                         So you want people to come here,
                         but you prefer not to go inside
                         yourself?  

                                   LUCIUS
                         Basically.

                                   HENRY
                         ...I guess that makes sense...in a
                         nonsensical sort of way.

                                   LUCIUS
                         What are you insinuating?

                                   HENRY
                         Oh, nothing.  I guess we should
                         start the mission now.  If we find
                         anything, we'll let you know.

                                   LUCIUS
                         Good luck.

                                   HENRY
                         Thanks.

               All except LUCIUS get up and leave the shack.

                                                                CUT TO:

               EXT. THE PRICKLESTANKLER MANSION - MORNING

               HENRY leads the others back to the car.

                                   HENRY
                         All right, this is the fun part. 
                         It's time to hunt the ghost!

                                   JOE
                         Dude...Lucius freaks me out a
                         little.  Especially knowing that
                         he's related to Lenny...ew.

                                   HENRY
                         Who is this Lenny guy?

                                   JOE
                         You don't want to know.

                                   HENRY
                         Of course I do.  That's why I
                         asked.

                                   JOE
                         No, I mean you really, really don't
                         want to know.

                                   HENRY
                         I'm sure that-

                                   JOE
                         Just trust me, okay?

                                   HENRY
                         ...Sure...

               HENRY turns his head away from JOE

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                             (quietly)
                         ...taintfondler.

                                   JOE
                         Did you just say that word again?

                                   HENRY
                             (ignores him)
                         It's time to get started.  Help me
                         unload the equipment.

               HENRY opens the trunk of the car to reveal a variety of
               electronic devices and metal cases.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         This is what we have to work with. 
                         I'll show you what everything does
                         once we're inside.

                                   JOE
                         Dude, what is this?

               JOE reaches into the trunk and pulls out what appears to be a
               tinfoil hat.

                                   HENRY
                         Don't touch that, you fool!  You'll
                         ruin it!

               HENRY grabs the hat out of JOE'S hand.

                                   JOE
                         ...Let's make this quick.

               They begin gathering equipment and taking it inside.

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. THE PRICKLESTANKLER MANSION - DAY

               HENRY opens the door and walks inside with some equipment,
               and the others follow with more.  The interior of the mansion
               is in surprisingly good condition, with most of the furniture
               intact.  It appears that LUCIUS cleaned up before they
               arrived.  They look around a bit while setting down equipment
               in the large main hallway.

                                   HENRY
                         So, this is it. The Pricklestankler
                         mansion.  It's so clean...

                                   BOB
                         Dude, the ghost must have been
                         here!  What if he attacks us with a
                         mop?!

                                   JOE
                         Bob, remember what I said about
                         talking?

                                   BOB
                         Oh, right!

               BOB covers his mouth.

                                   HENRY
                         Let's split up and have a look
                         around.  Meet me back here in 20
                         minutes.  Try to find anything that
                         suggests a ghostly presence. 
                         Remember, we're here looking for
                         evidence.

                                   JOE
                         Later.

               JOE walks quickly to the opposite end of the hall and turns
               right.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Peace out, bitches.

               JUKEBOX follows JOE, but turns left.

                                   BOB
                         Mr. Hedgehog, can-

                                   HENRY
                         What did you call me?

                                   BOB
                         Uh...

                                   HENRY
                         Never mind.  Go on.

                                   BOB
                         Can I go with you?  This place
                         scares me, dude.

                                   HENRY
                         ...Fine.  We'll go upstairs. 
                         Follow me.

               HENRY and BOB walk up the stairs.

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. THE KITCHEN - DAY

               JOE enters the kitchen and begins to look around.  There is a
               wood-burning stove in the corner, and a large table with
               several chairs sits in a separated room.  Several sets of
               fine china and silverware are in cabinets on the wall.  JOE
               begins talking to himself quietly.

                                   JOE
                         This is exciting...maybe I can get
                         out the window.

               JOE looks at a window, which is clearly too small for him to
               fit through.

                                   JOE
                         Shit.

               JOE sees a large knife on the counter and picks it up.  He
               makes stabbing motions while whispering unintelligibly under
               his breath.  The only audible word is an occasional "Bob."

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. THE LIVING ROOM - DAY

               JUKEBOX stands in a luxurious room with several large chairs
               scattered around.  There are numerous expensive looking
               paintings on the wall, and a small chandelier hangs from the
               ceiling.  Rows of bookshelves line one side of the room.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Dis muthafucka be blingin', son. 
                         Nigga musta got mad hos.

               JUKEBOX moves to the bookshelf and picks up a large volume.

                                   JUKEBOX
                             (reading the cover)
                         History of da Pricklestankler
                         family...

               He opens it to a random page and reads a few lines. 
               Suddenly, he looks up.

                                   JUKEBOX
                             (loudly and angrily)
                         Dis cracka's peeps owned slaves!

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. THADDEUS'S BEDROOM - DAY

               HENRY and BOB explore the bedroom, which contains a large bed
               and numerous documents on a table.  

                                   HENRY
                         What luxury.  This guy knew how to
                         live.

               HENRY pulls back the bedspread.

                                   BOB
                         Dude, look out!  There's a ghost
                         sleeping in the bed!

                                   HENRY
                         ...That's a sheet, Bob.

                                   BOB
                         Oh.  AAAHH!!! There's a fat midget
                         ghost under the sheet!

                                   HENRY
                         ...That's a pillow.

                                   BOB
                         Oh, yeah.  I thought it looked
                         familiar.  Then I thought that
                         maybe I'd had a fat midget ghost at
                         my house all this time.  AAAHHH!!!

                                   HENRY
                         Bob, why don't you go check out the
                         bathroom while I look around in
                         here?

                                   BOB
                         ...Sure.

               BOB leaves the room.  Meanwhile, HENRY starts going through
               the papers on the desk.

                                   HENRY
                         It seems like he just vanished. 
                         All his stuff is still
                         here...even...

               HENRY picks up a stack up papers.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         ...construction plans.  Hmm.  We'll
                         check these out later.

               HENRY puts the plans in a briefcase.

                                   BOB (O.S.)
                             (frightened)
                         Dude, come here, quick!

                                   HENRY
                         I'll be right there!

               HENRY runs out of the room.

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. THE BATHROOM - DAY

               BOB stands in the middle of the room staring at something. 
               HENRY runs in.

                                   HENRY
                         What is it?

                                   BOB
                         There's a ghost in here, dude!

               BOB points at something in front of him.

                                   HENRY
                         Bob...that's the shower curtain.

                                   BOB
                         ...Oh.  Because I thought that-

                                   HENRY
                         Let's head back downstairs, okay?

                                   BOB
                         Okay.

               They leave the bathroom.

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. THE UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - DAY

               Henry walks to the top of the stairs.

                                   HENRY
                         Guys!  We're meeting in the living
                         room!

               HENRY and BOB walk down the stairs.

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. THE LIVING ROOM - DAY

               JUKEBOX stands by the bookshelf reading.  JOE walks in,
               followed after a few seconds by HENRY and BOB.

                                   HENRY
                         Did you guys find anything?

               JOE holds one hand behind his back.

                                   JOE
                         ...No...

               JOE slowly backs away.

                                   HENRY
                         What's behind your back?

                                   JOE
                         Nothing.  

                                   HENRY
                         Sure...how about you, Jukebox?

               As HENRY turns to talk to JUKEBOX, JOE quickly takes the
               knife out from behind his back and stuffs it under a cushion.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Dis Thaddeus cracka...his daddy's
                         daddy owned slaves, son!  Dat shit
                         ain't coo'!

                                   HENRY
                         Well, Eldridge Pricklestankler did
                         fight for the Confederacy...

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Dat racist honky.

                                   HENRY
                             (staring at JUKEBOX)
                         Um...right.  You guys didn't find
                         anything ghostly?

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Shee-it, dis slave thang be scary
                         enough, dawg.

                                   HENRY
                         I guess we have to do some tests,
                         then.

                                   JOE
                         Does this involve all that
                         electronic shit we brought in?

                                   HENRY
                         Exactly.  My partner still hasn't
                         taught me everything, but I can
                         handle most of the equipment.

                                   JOE
                         ...You know that didn't sound
                         right, don't you?

                                   HENRY
                         Tits on a tarp, man, just focus! 
                         Help me get the camera set up.

                                   JOE
                         What the hell do we need a camera
                         for?  We didn't find anything yet.

                                   HENRY
                         Ah, but this is an infrared camera. 
                         It picks up things the human eye
                         can't see.

                                   JOE
                         ...Right...

               HENRY opens up a case containing a small camera, while BOB
               picks up a tripod.  HENRY puts the camera on the tripod,
               inserts a tape, and starts pushing buttons.  

                                   HENRY
                         All we have to do is watch this LCD
                         screen for any abnormalities.  We
                         usually find a few orbs.

                                   JOE
                         A few what?

                                   HENRY
                         Orbs.  They're shiny balls that
                         float through the air, but you need
                         a camera to see 'em.

                                   JOE
                         ...If I wasn't getting a spone out
                         of this, I'd be miles away by now.

                                   HENRY
                         See what I mean?  Check it out.

               HENRY opens up the LCD screen, which displays the hallway in
               infrared.  The others gather around.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         Now, look closely.  Anything on
                         here that you can't see with your
                         eyes could be a ghost.  

               They watch the screen for a few seconds as HENRY points the
               camera at various objects.  Nothing seems to be happening. 
               After about 30 seconds, HENRY suddenly gets excited.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         Hey, do you guys see that?

                                   JOE
                         Uh...

                                   HENRY
                         There's something moving around on
                         the screen!  Look closely.

               The screen shows the hallway with faint wispy shapes floating
               through it.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         It looks like ectoplasm!  That's
                         the energy ghosts give off!

                                   JOE
                         Are you out of your mind?

                                   HENRY
                         But look!  If we watch for a few
                         more seconds, maybe it'll take
                         shape.  You just have to...wait,
                         what's that smell?

               HENRY looks up and realizes that the "ectoplasm" is actually
               smoke.  JUKEBOX stands off to the side holding a cigarette of
               some sort.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         Jukebox, what the fuck are you
                         doing?  That smells like marijuana,
                         man!

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Dag, yo, I gots my needs.

                                   HENRY
                         Well, I guess we didn't find
                         anything.  You guys need to stay
                         with me on this if you want the
                         reward.

               HENRY looks at JUKEBOX and realizes he's still smoking weed.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         Jukebox, for fuck's sake, put that
                         thing out!  You could start a fire!

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Aw, calm down, Hen-rizzle.  It
                         ain't no thang.

               JUKEBOX puts out the cigarette and joins the group again. 

                                   HENRY
                         We probably scared the ghost away
                         if he was here at all.  We need to
                         move to another room.  Let's try
                         the bedroom upstairs.

                                   BOB
                         But what about the fat midget
                         ghosts?

                                   HENRY
                         I told you, that was a pillow!

                                   BOB
                         Oh, yeah.

                                   JOE
                         Bob, remember, don't talk, and the
                         ghosts can't get you.

                                   BOB
                         But if they can't hear us, they
                         won't be able to find us!  I'll
                         talk.  I can handle these things.

                                   JOE
                         Damn it.  Does anyone have
                         earplugs?

                                   HENRY
                         No, and it's a good thing we don't,
                         because you need your ears for this
                         next test.  We're going to listen
                         for EVP.

                                   JOE
                         What?

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. THE BEDROOM - DAY

               HENRY sets up an audio tape recorder.

                                   HENRY
                         ...Electronic Voice Phenomena.  You
                         just record a few minutes of
                         silence, then listen to it and see
                         if you can hear any ghosts.

                                   JOE
                         Why do these tests all involve
                         electronic equipment being more
                         sensitive than us?

                                   HENRY
                         Hey, I just hunt 'em.  Don't ask me
                         how this stuff works.

                                   JOE
                             (singing quietly to calm
                              himself down)
                         ...The Spone Zone...I'm in the
                         Spone Zone...you'll get no dial
                         tone...from me...

                                   HENRY
                         Now, all we have to do is be quiet,
                         and maybe Thaddeus will say
                         something to us.  I'll record an
                         intro for record-keeping.

               HENRY switches on the tape recorder.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         The date is July 8, 2005.  The
                         location is the Pricklestankler
                         mansion.  The time is 10:30 AM. 
                         We're here trying to find evidence
                         that Thaddeus Pricklestankler is
                         haunting his old home.  Begin EVP
                         recording...now.

               They sit on the bed for a few seconds while HENRY holds the
               recorder.  BOB starts to say something, but HENRY holds his
               finger up to his own mouth to silence him.  JOE makes
               irritated gestures, and JUKEBOX flashes various made-up gang
               signs at a mirror on the wall.  After about a minute, HENRY
               stops the recorder.

                                   HENRY
                         Now, all we have to do is play it
                         back and see if we can hear
                         anything.

               HENRY rewinds to the beginning, skips past the introduction,
               and plays the tape.  They listen for a few seconds.

                                   HENRY
                         Hey...do you guys hear that?  

                                   JOE
                         No.

                                   HENRY
                         I think I hear something on the
                         tape.  Listen closely.

                                   VOICE ON TAPE
                         ...I wanna kill myself...I wanna
                         kill myself...

                                   HENRY
                         This could be a clue!  Did Thaddeus
                         commit suicide?

                                   BOB
                         Dude...this sounds familiar.  Turn
                         it up.

                                   HENRY
                         Familiar?

                                   BOB
                         Yeah, dude, turn it up.

               HENRY turns up the volume.

                                   VOICE ON TAPE
                             (now accompanied by rock
                              music)
                         ...and I wanna kill myself! 
                         My girlfriend broke up with me and
                         I wanna kill myself...

                                   BOB
                         Dude, sorry, I must have left my
                         iPod on.  That's "My Girlfriend
                         Broke Up With Me and I Want to Kill
                         Myself," the hit single from my
                         favorite band, There Might Be
                         Pirates.

                                   JOE
                         Um...isn't it "They Might Be
                         Giants?"

               BOB takes out his iPod and turns it off.

                                   BOB
                         No, it's called "There Might Be
                         Pirates."  They're an emo band.

                                   HENRY
                         Emo...I don't get that stuff.  Do
                         you know what "emo" is?  It's one
                         letter away from "emu," that's
                         what.  And I don't trust those
                         feathery bastards at all.

               Everyone stares at HENRY for a few seconds.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         What?  I don't trust emus.  And
                         don't even get me started on
                         pirates.  Have you ever noticed
                         that you can't spell "conspiracy"
                         without "piracy?"  That can't be a
                         coincidence.

               The others continue staring at HENRY.

                                   JOE
                         Dude, just...just stop, okay?  Stop
                         while you still have some dignity
                         left.

                                   HENRY
                         But I was-

                                   JOE
                         No.  Stop.  Now.

                                   HENRY
                         ...Let's do another test.  We're
                         going downstairs.

               HENRY gets up and walks out of the room, and the others
               follow him.

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. THE DINING ROOM - DAY

               HENRY sits at the head of a large table, with the others on
               the sides.  He takes a Ouija board out of a box and sets it
               on the table.

                                   HENRY
                         I assume you're all familiar with
                         the Ouija board.

                                   JOE
                         Dude, you're really reaching now.  

                                   HENRY
                         Don't underestimate its power, Joe. 
                         You never know what this thing will
                         reveal.

                                   JOE
                         It's a fuckin' toy!

                                   HENRY
                         Do you have a better idea?

                                   JOE
                         ...I am so sick of people asking me
                         that.

                                   HENRY
                         Now, in order for this to work, we
                         have to concentrate.  Try to focus
                         on Thaddeus Pricklestankler, and
                         then we'll ask him some questions.

                                   JOE
                         I can't believe I'm doing this.

               They all gather around the board and pick up the pointer.

                                   HENRY
                         Okay, concentrate.  Bob...

                                   BOB
                         Yeah?

                                   HENRY
                         Stop shaking so much.

                                   BOB
                         S-sorry, dude.

                                   HENRY
                         Mr. Pricklestankler, can you hear
                         us?  Give us a sign.

               They wait for a few seconds, and nothing happens.

                                   JOE
                             (mockingly)
                         Bulllllshiiiit...

                                   HENRY
                         Joe, please, you'll ruin the
                         energy.

                                   JOE
                         It's. A. Fucking. Toy.  

                                   HENRY
                         Just give it some time!

               They continue sitting still for a few more seconds.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         Thaddeus Pricklestankler, are you
                         there?

               A few more seconds pass, then the pointer starts to move over
               to "yes.:

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         It's working!  Okay, now just for
                         authenticity, what is your name?

               The pointer starts to spell out "Thaddeus."

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         T...h...a...d...it's him!  Mr.
                         Pricklestankler, why did you stay
                         in your house?

               The pointer moves again, and HENRY reads the letters.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         "To...scare...Bob."  What?  

               The pointer keeps moving.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         Wait...he's trying to say something
                         else.  "Bob...is...a...dick."  

                                   BOB
                         Hey!  Stupid ghost!

               The pointer stops.

                                   HENRY 
                         Joe, get up.

                                   JOE
                         Fuck, I thought you would fall for
                         that.

                                   HENRY
                         A guy who died in the 1900s
                         wouldn't use that word, genius.

                                   JOE
                         Oh, right.

               JOE gets up.

                                   HENRY
                         Let's try this again.  Thaddeus
                         Pricklestankler, are you there?

               The pointer moves.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         It says "yes!"  Mr.
                         Pricklestankler, why did you stay
                         in the house?

               The pointer moves.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                             (reading)
                         "To...kill...whitey."

               They stare at the board for a few seconds.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         Jukebox...

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Aw, shee-it.

                                   HENRY
                         That's it.  This clearly isn't
                         going to work, either.  Tell you
                         what.  Let's break for lunch, and
                         we'll meet back here at 1:30.  I
                         have another idea.

                                   JOE
                         If I don't get my spone, I'm gonna
                         kick your ass.

                                   HENRY
                         Calm down, taintfondler.  Just go
                         get some food, and we'll try again
                         later.

                                   JOE
                         You...fine.

               They start to leave the room, and HENRY bumps into LUCIUS,
               who is standing in the hallway.

                                   LUCIUS
                         Oh, terribly sorry!

                                   HENRY
                         Mr. Blundersmythe...what are you
                         doing here?

                                   LUCIUS
                         I was just checking on your
                         progress.  

                                   HENRY
                         We're doing okay.  We haven't found
                         anything yet, but he can't keep
                         hiding from us forever.

                                   LUCIUS
                         I do hope you uncover something.  I
                         imagine the publicity would be
                         exciting...

                                   HENRY
                         I'm sure it would.  Now, if you'll
                         excuse us, it's lunchtime.

               HENRY walks past LUCIUS and exits the mansion.  The others
               follow.

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. THE PRICKLESTANKLER MANSION - AFTERNOON

               HENRY and the others enter the front door and walk inside,
               eventually going to the living room.

                                   HENRY
                         All right, I think I know a more
                         effective way of finding the ghost.  

                                   JOE
                         There's no ghost, Henry.  Just
                         admit it.  You have no idea what
                         you're doing.

                                   HENRY
                         Boners on a bun, man, we'll find
                         something.

                                   JOE
                         You're scaring me.

                                   HENRY
                         Look, this test almost always
                         works.  See this?

               HENRY holds up a small rectangular device.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         This is an EMF meter.  It detects
                         changes in electromagnetic fields.  

                                   JOE
                         You're just making this up as you
                         go along, aren't you?

                                   HENRY
                         Hey, I've used these thingawhatsits
                         dozens of times!  Just because my
                         partner always watched the meter
                         doesn't mean I can't figure it out
                         on my own!

                                   JOE
                         ...I really would've trusted you
                         more if you hadn't told me that.

                                   HENRY
                         Stay with me, all right?  These
                         things are great.  You just walk
                         around with it, and it makes a
                         noise if it detects any unusual
                         electromagnetic activity.

                                   JOE
                         What the fuck does that have to do
                         with ghosts?

                                   HENRY
                         It's their energy, man!  This is
                         how you find it!

                                   JOE
                         ...So you're telling me that ghosts
                         are infrared electromagnets that
                         communicate with toys and talk in a
                         frequency that only cheap tape
                         recorders can pick up?

                                   HENRY
                         Well, it doesn't sound very
                         exciting when you put it that way,
                         does it?

                                   JOE
                         No, it doesn't.

                                   HENRY
                         ...I really can't argue with that.

                                   JOE
                         Fuck, let's just get this over
                         with.  What do we do?

                                   HENRY
                         We walk around to various locations
                         and see if the meter detects any
                         ghostly activity.  Simple.

               JOE sits down in a large chair and puts his feet up.

                                   JOE
                         And boring.  Can I sit this one
                         out?

                                   HENRY
                         We've been over this already, Joe. 
                         You volunteered for this job, and
                         if you don't help out, you will
                         remain sponeless forever.

                                   JOE
                         You bastard.  

                                   HENRY
                         It was your choice, douchebucket. 
                         Now get up and help us find
                         Thaddeus.

               They begin walking around the room, then go to another room.

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. THE STUDY - AFTERNOON

               The intrepid ghost hunters enter Thaddeus's study, which is
               full of even more books than the living room.  Several chairs
               line the far wall, and a large window bathes the room in
               sunlight.  

                                   JOE
                         Henry, can we take a break yet?  

                                   HENRY
                         A break?  We just got started!

                                   JOE
                         But we've already been looking for
                         a couple...half hours.

                                   HENRY
                         Do I have to remind you what's at
                         stake here?  If we don't find some
                         evidence, we won't get the reward.

                                   JOE
                         Fuck it!  Just make something up! 
                         Haven't you ever heard of
                         Photoshop?

                                   HENRY
                         Shit on a chandelier, Joe, are you
                         insane?  I can't break the Ghost
                         Hunters' Code!

                                   JOE
                         The what?

                                   HENRY
                         The Ghost Hunters' Code!  We are
                         men and women of integrity, and
                         before we begin our careers, we all
                         pledge to be honest and trustworthy
                         in our ghost hunting endeavors. 
                         Forging evidence is a huge faux
                         pas.  

                                   JOE
                         Dude...you make a living hunting
                         things that probably don't even
                         exist.  Why do you care so much about
                         integrity?  It's all bullshit
                         anyway.

                                   BOB
                         You may not believe in ghosts, Joe,
                         but I know what I saw up there.

                                   JOE
                         Those were pillows, fuckwad.

                                   BOB
                         They were?

                                   JOE
                         Yes!

                                   BOB
                         Oh.  Then what was I afraid of?

                                   JOE
                         I can't speak for you, but I'm
                         afraid of your overwhelming
                         stupidity.  Ass.

                                   BOB
                         What?

                                   JOE
                         You heard me.  You're drunk on your
                         own ignorance, aren't you?

                                   HENRY
                             (enraged)
                         Shut the hell up!!!!!!!

               Everyone stops and remains perfectly silent.  The only sound
               is an intermittent, high-pitched beep.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                             (back to normal)
                         ...Listen.  The meter is picking
                         something up.

               HENRY moves toward one of the bookshelves, and with each
               step, the beeps grow louder and more frequent.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         There's an irregular frequency
                         coming from this shelf.  What could
                         it mean?

                                   JOE
                             (mockingly)
                         It must be a haaaaaaaunted
                         booooooksheeeeeeeellllf.  Look out
                         for ghoooooostly
                         paaaaaaapercuuuuuutssss...

                                   HENRY
                         Quiet!

                                   BOB
                         Dude...this is scary stuff, dude.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, it's coo', Bizzle.  Ain't no
                         bitch-ass muthafucka gon' fuck wit'
                         my posse.  I'll fuck up his white
                         ass.

               HENRY moves the EMF meter along the side of the shelf, and as
               it approaches a particular spot near the middle, it gets
               louder.  Eventually, HENRY stops moving the meter.

                                   HENRY
                         There's something in this spot,
                         guys.  Get the camera ready.

               BOB takes out a digital camera and switches it on.

                                   JOE
                         This is bullshit.  There's probably
                         just a power outlet back there.

                                   HENRY
                         In a house this old?  I don't think
                         so.

                                   JOE
                         Yeah?  We'll see about that.

               JOE reaches past HENRY and moves a few books out of the way. 
               He suddenly stops and pulls out a small gray object.

                                   JOE (CONT'D)
                         Dude...what the fuck?

               He hands the object to HENRY, who looks it over.

                                   HENRY
                         ...Hey, I know what this is.  It's
                         a spy camera...damn it!  They found
                         me!

                                   JOE
                         Who found you?

                                   HENRY
                         They did, you idiot!  We've gotta
                         get out of here!

               HENRY tries to run out of the room, and JOE stands in his
               way.

                                   JOE
                         Calm the fuck down, dude.  Let's
                         think about this.  Why would there
                         be a spy camera in a haunted house? 
                         Obviously, it's because I died in
                         my sleep last night, and now I'm in
                         hell, where nothing makes sense.  

               HENRY stares at JOE.

                                   JOE (CONT'D)
                         Or...maybe someone else is looking
                         for the reward.  We'd better be
                         careful with this thing.

               JOE puts the camera in his pocket.

                                   HENRY
                         Are you sure you want to carry that
                         around?

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, I'll take it off y'all.  If
                         some playa hata tries to spy on me,
                         bitch'll get a big ol' eyeful of
                         deez nuts.

                                   JOE
                         Juke...that's wrong in so many
                         ways.  Just let me carry it.

                                   HENRY
                         Right...well, the meter isn't
                         picking up anything else, so we
                         should probably head out.

               They head for another room.  As HENRY walks toward the door,
               he puts the EMF meter in his pocket.  A faint beep can be
               heard as he crosses the threshold into the next room, but it
               stops after half a second.

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               EXT. THE PRICKLESTANKLER MANSION - AFTERNOON

               A brief time lapse sequence shows the sun going down behind
               the house, eventually sinking to the same level as the roof.

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. THE PRICKLESTANKLER MANSION - EVENING

               The ghost hunters gather in the main hallway.

                                   HENRY
                         That's the entire house, guys. 
                         This is weird.  I was sure we would
                         find something.

                                   JOE
                         Henry, listen to me...ghosts don't
                         exist, dude.  Your whole life is a
                         lie.

                                   HENRY
                         Your unbelief probably scared him
                         away, taintfondler!

                                   JOE
                         Stop using that fucking word!

               JUKEBOX steps in between JOE and HENRY.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, you niggas be hungry?  

                                   BOB
                         I am.  I was too scared to eat at
                         lunch.  

                                   HENRY
                         ...Well, it's getting dark anyway. 
                         We should get going.

                                   JOE
                         About time.  I've had enough of
                         this.

                                   HENRY
                         But...

                                   JOE
                         Shit!

                                   HENRY
                         ...we're not done yet.  Meet me out
                         front at 10 PM.  I have another
                         idea.

                                   JOE
                         You've gotta be kidding me. 

                                   HENRY
                         We've got candles and flashlights,
                         Joe.  We'll be fine.

                                   BOB
                         Dude...now I'm going to be too
                         scared to eat again.  

                                   HENRY
                         Relax, Bob.  I'm a professional. 
                         Remember, 10:00.  Be here...or lose
                         your chance to get a spone.

                                   JOE
                         You're bordering on blackmail,
                         dude.

                                   HENRY
                         Whose idea was it to come along?

                                   JOE
                         Damn it.  I'll be here.  But if we
                         don't find anything, you'd better
                         have a backup plan for getting that
                         money.

                                   HENRY
                         No need for that.  This next test
                         has to work.

                                   JOE
                             (very, very sarcastic)
                         I can hardly fucking wait.

               They each walk toward the town in separate directions.

                                                               FADE TO:

               INT. THE PRICKLESTANKLER MANSION - NIGHT

               HENRY stands in the main hallway holding an electric lantern
               and a suitcase.  JOE walks in, followed by JUKEBOX.  BOB
               stands outside the door.

                                   HENRY
                         Come on, Bob!  Nothing's going to
                         happen.  It's under control, man.

                                   BOB
                         But...it's dark in there, dude!

                                   JOE
                         Bob, just get your dumb ass in here
                         before I kick it.

                                   BOB
                         ...Okay.

               BOB slowly steps inside the mansion, and HENRY shuts the
               door.

                                   JOE
                         All right, Henry, we came back. 
                         Now why are we standing here in the
                         fucking dark?

                                   HENRY
                         Because you can't have a séance
                         during the day.

                                   JOE
                         A what?

                                   HENRY
                         A séance.  We're going to try and
                         contact Thaddeus Pricklestankler
                         directly.  Follow me.

                                   JOE
                         This can't be happening.

               They follow HENRY to the dining room, where they sit down
               around the table.  HENRY opens the suitcase and pulls out
               four candles and several incense sticks.  He sets everything
               on the table.

                                   HENRY
                         Have any of you ever done this
                         before?

                                   JOE
                         I don't even think Bob is stupid
                         enough to do something like this.

                                   BOB
                         Yeah, even I'm not...hey...wait a
                         minute...aw, never mind.  I forgot
                         what we were talking about.

                                   JOE
                         I rest my case.

                                   HENRY
                         Joe, in order for this to work, you
                         have to believe.  Skepticism ruins
                         the spiritual atmosphere.

                                   JOE
                         Fuck you.

                                   HENRY
                         ...Well, we can try this anyway. 
                         Now, we're supposed to have
                         cinnamon, frankincense, and
                         sandalwood incense...but I'm out of
                         those, so we'll just have to use
                         these punks that were lying around
                         in my garage.

                                   JOE
                         Punks?  Aren't those the things you
                         light firecrackers with?

                                   HENRY
                         Not today, Joe.  Not today.

                                   JOE
                         I hate my life.

               HENRY sets up the incense and lights it.

                                   JOE (CONT'D)
                         I guess we won't have to worry
                         about undead bugs now, will we?

                                   HENRY
                         Stop being so negative, douchebowl! 
                         You'll create a barrier!  

                                   JOE
                         Let's just do this.

                                   HENRY
                         Great.  All we have to do is hold
                         the candles, think of Thaddeus
                         Pricklestankler, and repeat the
                         proper phrases until we get a
                         response.  The ghost usually 
                         starts rapping after a few minutes.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, he rap, dawg?  Dat shit is
                         tight!  I can do dis myself,
                         muthafucka!

                                   HENRY
                         Um, Jukebox, that's not-

               JUKEBOX stands up.

                                   JUKEBOX
                             (rapping, gradually
                              becoming louder, faster,
                              and angrier)
                         Yo, Thad-dizzle, dis be Jukebizzle,
                         and we all be here in yo haunted
                         hizzle.  Give a shout out to yo
                         homies, and den you can blow me,
                         you racist cracka, kiss my black
                         ass, now-

                                   HENRY
                             (angry)
                         Jukebox, shut up!

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Aw, come on, Hen-rizzle!

                                   HENRY
                         That's not the kind of rapping I
                         was talking about.  I just mean
                         that the ghost usually knocks on
                         something.  Like this.

               HENRY knocks on the table.

                                   BOB
                         Dude, it's the ghost! 
                         AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

               BOB gets up and starts to run away, but JOE trips him, and he
               falls on his face.

                                   BOB (CONT'D)
                         OOF!

                                   JOE
                         Sit down, idiot.  If I have to
                         suffer through this, then so do
                         you.

                                   BOB
                         Sorry.

               BOB gets up and sits down at the table.  HENRY lights the
               candles and hands one to each participant.  

                                   HENRY
                         Okay, close your eyes and
                         concentrate.  Repeat after me: Our
                         deceased Thaddeus, we ask that you
                         speak with us and move around us.  

               They all repeat the phrase in unison for several seconds. 
               Suddenly, HENRY'S candle flickers and goes out.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         Look!  Something's happening!

               They all sit and stare at the candle for a few seconds. 
               Suddenly, a loud bang breaks the silence.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         What was that?  Mr.
                         Pricklestankler, is that you?  Rap
                         once for yes, and twice for no!

               Pause.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         Mr. Pricklestankler?  Sir?  Hello?

                                   JOE
                         Uh...Henry...I think I figured out
                         the problem.

               JOE shines his candle on BOB, who is passed out face-down on
               the table.

                                   HENRY
                         Oh...he must've fainted and hit his
                         head on the table.  Can you wake
                         him up?

                                   JOE
                         I think I like him better this way.

                                   HENRY
                         We need everyone to participate, or
                         the energy might not be strong
                         enough.

                                   JOE
                         All right, fine.

               JOE assembles the "knobsock."  He then lifts BOB'S head off
               the table and hits him lightly in the face with it.

                                   BOB
                             (groggy)
                         What?

               BOB looks at the knobsock for a second.

                                   BOB (CONT'D)
                             (back to normal)
                         Dude, not the knobsock!  I'm sorry!

                                   HENRY
                         It's okay, Bob.  It happens to the
                         best of 'em.  Now concentrate.  Our
                         decreased Thaddeus, we ask that you
                         streak for us and moo within us...

                                   JOE
                         That's not what you said last time.

                                   HENRY
                         Isn't it?  Oh, right.  My short
                         term memory isn't what it used to
                         be.

                                   JOE
                         Oh, for the love of-

               Another loud bang interrupts him.

                                   HENRY
                         Bob, are you all right?

                                   BOB
                         I'm fine.

                                   HENRY
                         J...Jukebox?

                                   JUKEBOX
                         I'm coo', son.  What was dat?

                                   HENRY
                         Shhh...If you are with us,
                         Thaddeus, please rap once.

               Nothing happens for a few seconds, then another loud bang
               breaks the silence.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         I think we got him!

                                   JOE
                         Fuck me.

                                   HENRY
                         Mr. Pricklestankler, can you tell
                         us why you stayed in your house?  

               A short silence is followed by three more loud bangs. 

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         Um...could you be a little more
                         specific?

               The sound of footsteps begins in the distance, then gradually
               gets closer.

                                   BOB
                         Dude!

                                   HENRY
                         It's okay, the candles will protect
                         us.

               The footsteps come to the edge of the room, then stop.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         Thaddeus...please give us a sign of
                         your presence.

               BOB suddenly jumps up.

                                   BOB
                             (high-pitched scream)
                         AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

                                   LUCIUS
                         AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

               HENRY turns on the lantern and shines it on LUCIUS, who is
               standing in the doorway behind BOB.

                                   HENRY
                         Mr. Blundersmythe?

                                   LUCIUS
                         Oh, excuse me, Mr. Etta.  I saw
                         lights inside, and I thought it
                         might be intruders.  

                                   HENRY
                         Really?  I guess I kinda forgot to
                         tell you we were coming back.

                                   LUCIUS
                         That's perfectly all right.  Will
                         you be staying the night?

                                   HENRY
                         You know something?  That's not a
                         bad idea.

                                   JOE
                             (deadpan)
                         ...What?

                                   HENRY
                         If we all go to separate rooms,
                         we'll have a better chance of
                         seeing something.

                                   BOB
                         You mean...we have to be...alone?

                                   HENRY
                         I'm afraid so, Bob.  It's a long
                         shot, but it could work.

                                   JOE
                         You want us to fucking stay all
                         night?

                                   HENRY
                         Look, if we want evidence, we have
                         to try everything.  I've got some
                         sleeping bags and walkie-talkies in
                         my car.  We'll set everyone up in a
                         different part of the house, and if
                         anyone sees something, they can
                         call the rest of us.  If not, we
                         can get some sleep.  It's win-win. 

                                   JOE
                         You'll pay for this if we don't get
                         the reward.  You will fucking pay
                         dearly.

                                   HENRY
                         Quit being so melodramatic,
                         taintfondler.  If we don't do this,
                         we'll leave empty-handed anyway.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, I wants da bling, son.  We gots
                         to do dis shit.  

                                   JOE
                         I don't even know if a spone is
                         worth this... 

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. THADDEUS'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

               HENRY sits on the bed with a flashlight and a walkie-talkie.

                                   HENRY
                         Is everyone set up?

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. THE STUDY - NIGHT

               JOE sits in a chair next to the bookshelf, also holding a
               walkie-talkie and flashlight.

                                   JOE
                         I'm here.  Now leave me alone.

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. THE DINING ROOM - NIGHT

               JUKEBOX sits at the table with a walkie-talkie and a
               flashlight.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Dis be Jukebizzle in da dinin'
                         rizzle, my niggas.  

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. THE GUEST BEDROOM - NIGHT

               BOB cowers under the bed with a walkie-talkie.

                                   BOB
                         Th-this is Bob.  I'm...too scared
                         to turn on my flashlight...

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. THADDEUS'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

                                   HENRY
                         You'll be fine, Bob.  Remember, I'm
                         channel 1, Joe is channel 2,
                         Jukebox is channel 3, and Bob is
                         channel 4.  Switch to "all
                         channels" if there's an emergency. 
                         Everyone understand?

                                   JOE (O.S.)
                         Yes.

                                   JUKEBOX (O.S.)
                         Fa shizzle.

                                   BOB (O.S.)
                         Y-y-y-y-y-...

                                   HENRY
                         I'll take that as a yes.  Okay, try
                         to keep your eyes open, but don't
                         let yourselves get too tired, or
                         you might hallucinate.  Over and
                         out.

               HENRY puts down his walkie-talkie and lies down on the bed.

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               EXT. THE PRICKLESTANKLER MANSION - NIGHT

               Long shot of the mansion with the moon above.

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. THE STUDY - NIGHT

               JOE lies in his sleeping bag.  After a few seconds, a small
               book falls from the shelf and lands on his stomach.

                                   JOE
                             (groggy)
                         What...?

               JOE looks around for a few seconds, then notices the book on
               top of him.  He shines his flashlight on it and notices that
               it is open.

                                   JOE
                             (reading the book)
                         "I had a right to kill him," said
                         Ronald, "because he was trespassing
                         on my property."

               JOE looks around.

                                   JOE (CONT'D)
                         What the?  What kind of book is
                         this?

               As he closes the book to look at the cover, another book
               falls and knocks it out of his hand.

                                   JOE (CONT'D)
                         Hey!

               A third book hits him in the head.

                                   JOE (CONT'D)
                         Son of a bitch!  What's wrong with
                         this place?  

               JOE gets up and moves away from the bookshelf.

                                   JOE (CONT'D)
                         Man, I can't get back to sleep now. 
                         But maybe I can have a little
                         fun...

               JOE picks up his walkie-talkie and switches it to one of the
               individual channels.

                                   JOE (CONT'D)
                             (in a ghostly voice)
                         Bob...Bob...

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. THE GUEST BEDROOM - NIGHT

               BOB, still under the bed, looks in horror at his walkie
               talkie.

                                   BOB
                             (whispering)
                         AAH!  Wh-who's there?

                                   JOE (O.S.)
                         Bob...you will not...leave this
                         house...aliiiiiiiiive...

                                   BOB
                         W-w-what do you mean?

                                   JOE (O.S.)
                         Your time has come, Bob. You're
                         going to diiiiiiiiiiiie...

                                   BOB
                         I'm sorry, Mr. Pringlestamper!  It
                         wasn't my idea to come here! 
                         Please don't make me a ghost!

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. THE STUDY - NIGHT

                                   JOE
                         It's too laaaaaaate, Bob. 
                         Mwahahahaha!

                                   BOB (O.S.)
                         No!  Please!  I promise I'll-

               BOB'S voice cuts out.

                                   JOE
                         What the fuck?  This thing is a
                         piece of shit!

               A deep, raspy voice speaks from JOE'S walkie-talkie.

                                   VOICE
                             (whispering)
                         Get out.

                                   JOE
                         Bob, you douchebag.  Do you really
                         think I'm that stupid?

                                   VOICE
                             (becoming louder)
                         Geeeeeeet oooouuuuuut.

                                   JOE
                             (sarcastic)
                         Yeah, okay, Bob.  I'll be sure to
                         do that.

                                   VOICE
                             (now in the room)
                         Get out!

                                   JOE
                         AAAAHHH!  Bob, how did you make it
                         sound like you were right next to
                         me like that?

               JOE'S walkie-talkie turns itself off.

                                   JOE (CONT'D)
                         Hey!

                                   VOICE
                             (even louder)
                         Get...out...of...my...house!!!

                                   JOE
                         Fuck you!

               JOE shines his flashlight in the direction the voice is
               coming from.  It catches the outline of a man standing in the
               doorway who appears to be about the same height and build as
               LUCIUS.

                                   JOE (CONT'D)
                         Lucius?

               The figure darts out of view.

                                   JOE (CONT'D)
                         What the hell is going on?

               JOE sits in silence for a few seconds.

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. THE DINING ROOM - NIGHT

               JUKEBOX lies in his sleeping bag next to the table.  He
               appears to be asleep.  A faint light gradually illuminates
               his face, and he slowly opens his eyes.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, it be mornin' already?  Shee
                         it.

               He looks around and realizes that it isn't morning.  As he
               looks directly in front of him, his eyes widen.

                                   JUKEBOX (CONT'D)
                         Yo, what da fuck?

               A ghostly hooded figure stands in the doorway emitting a
               faint white glow.  It points at JUKEBOX, then points toward
               the front door.

                                   JUKEBOX (CONT'D)
                         It be da Klan, son!  You racist
                         muthafuckas best be goin' fo' I
                         bust a cap up in yo white ass!

               The figure slowly advances toward JUKEBOX.

                                   JUKEBOX (CONT'D)
                         Yo, don't be hatin' on me, cracka. 
                         You jus' back yo honky ass up!

               The figure continues advancing and extends its hands toward
               JUKEBOX as if it's about to strangle him.  Suddenly, it turns
               its head and vanishes.  The LUCIUS-looking figure darts past
               the doorway..

                                   JUKEBOX (CONT'D)
                         Blundersmizzle?

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. THE GUEST BEDROOM - NIGHT

               BOB, still hiding under the bed, tries to get a response on
               his walkie-talkie, but it has also shut itself off.

                                   BOB
                         Hello?  Joe?  Mr. Edna?  Juicebox? 
                         Anybody?

               The bed above BOB begins to shake.

                                   BOB (CONT'D)
                         Dude...it's an earthquake!

               BOB covers his head with his hands, and the shaking becomes
               more violent and loud.  One leg of the bed lifts off the
               floor and crashes down.

                                   BOB (CONT'D)
                             (into the walkie-talkie)
                         Mr. Ex-Lax, help!

               Suddenly, the shaking stops.

                                   BOB (CONT'D)
                         H-hello?

               BOB peers out toward the far end of the room.  After a few
               seconds, a face pops up in front of him, apparently coming
               from above the bed.  It resembles LUCIUS, but only appears
               for a second.

                                   BOB (CONT'D)
                         AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

               BOB faints.

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. THADDEUS'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

               HENRY sits up in bed.

                                   HENRY
                         Bob?

               HENRY tries to turn on his walkie-talkie, but it doesn't
               work.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         Dicks in a dishwasher, why won't
                         this thing turn on?!

               HENRY looks around cautiously.  He tenses up as his eyes
               reach the corner of the room.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         Whoa!

               A dark figure resembling an old man stands in the corner of
               the room and stares at HENRY.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         Th...Thaddeus Pricklestankler?

               The figure approaches HENRY.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         Mr. Pricklestankler, hold still!  I
                         need to take your picture!

               HENRY picks up a camera, and as he turns it on, the figure
               points at it, and it shorts out.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         You ghosty bastard, I need that!

               The figure turns and walks through the closed door to the
               hall.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         Get back here!

               HENRY gets up and follows the figure, but he does not bring
               his flashlight.  As he walks down the hallway, he bumps into
               something.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         Hey, you can't touch ghosts!

               The LUCIUS-like figure, now standing in front of HENRY,
               quickly runs the other way.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         Mr. Blundersmythe?

               The sound of footsteps descending the stairs is followed by
               the sound of the front door opening and closing.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         That's...odd.

               HENRY walks back toward the bedroom.

                                                               FADE TO:

               EXT. THE PRICKLESTANKLER MANSION - MORNING

               The sun rises on the mansion.

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. THADDEUS'S BEDROOM - MORNING

               HENRY sits up in bed.

                                   HENRY
                         What a night...

               HENRY gets up and walks out the door.

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. THE STUDY - MORNING

               JOE sits in a chair as HENRY, BOB, and JUKEBOX walk into the
               room.

                                   HENRY
                         Morning, Joe.  You're up early.

                                   JOE
                         So is everyone else.  What's going
                         on?

                                   HENRY
                         Something weird happened last
                         night.  You didn't happen to see
                         anything abnormal, did you?

                                   JOE
                         Maybe...what happened to you?

                                   HENRY
                         Tell him, guys.

                                   BOB
                         Dude...there was a ghost on my
                         walkie-talkie...then there was an
                         earthquake...and then all of a
                         sudden, it was morning!

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, da Klan came lookin' for me,
                         dawg!

                                   HENRY
                         Joe, did you see anything?

                                   JOE
                         I didn't see much...but I heard
                         someone telling me to get out.

                                   HENRY
                         Hmm.  I thought I saw the ghost of
                         Thaddeus Pricklestankler...but he
                         got away.  And then I bumped into
                         someone.

                                   JOE
                         Wait a minute...now that I think
                         about it...I'm pretty sure I saw
                         Lucius standing in the doorway
                         right after the voice stopped.

                                   HENRY
                         Lucius...wait, you're right!  The
                         guy I bumped into looked an awful
                         lot like him.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, I think I saw dat cracka too,
                         son!

                                   HENRY
                         Bob, did you see him?

                                   BOB
                         I'm not sure.  The last thing I
                         remember is looking around the
                         room. 

                                   HENRY
                         Well...maybe we should find Lucius
                         and ask him what was going on.  He
                         may have been sleepwalking or
                         something.  He's probably in his
                         shack.

               They walk toward the front door.

                                                                CUT TO:

               EXT. THE PRICKLESTANKLER MANSION - MORNING

               HENRY leads them to LUCIUS'S shack and knocks on the door. 
               Nobody answers after a few seconds, and he knocks again.

                                   HENRY
                         That's weird.

               HENRY turns the doorknob and opens the door cautiously.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         He's not here.

                                   JOE
                         Are you sure?  He's probably going
                         to jump out from behind something.

               JOE pushes past HENRY and walks into the shack.

                                   JOE (O.S.)
                         Hey, you guys might want to check
                         this out!

               They go into the shack.

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. LUCIUS'S SHACK - MORNING

                                   HENRY
                         What's wrong?

                                   JOE
                         Look at this.

               JOE hands a large binder to HENRY.

                                   HENRY
                             (reading the cover)
                         "Plans for the Pricklestankler
                         Funhouse."

               HENRY opens the binder and reads a few pages.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         This is crazy...he wants to turn
                         the house into a huge tourist
                         attraction!

                                   JOE
                         I'm pretty sure he already said
                         that, dude.

                                   HENRY
                         But I didn't think he was going to
                         do it artificially, man!  He's
                         buying projectors, and
                         animatronics, and a sound
                         system...that's not right!

                                   JOE
                         Why the fuck do you care what he
                         does?

                                   HENRY
                         He'll disturb the ghost,
                         taintfondler!  This could be a
                         disaster!

                                   JOE
                         Henry...there's no ghost.  Think
                         about it.  Why did we all see
                         Lucius right after we had our weird
                         experiences?  He's using us as
                         guinea pigs, dude!  This whole
                         haunted house thing was a publicity
                         stunt!

                                   HENRY
                         You're right...we've all been
                         tricked...

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Well, what y'all waitin' for? 
                         Let's go fuck dat bitch up!

                                   JOE
                         How?  We don't know where he is.

                                   HENRY
                         Wait a minute...I just remembered
                         something.  Follow me!

               HENRY leads them out of the shack.

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. THE DINING ROOM - MORNING

               HENRY lays a diagram down on the table.

                                   HENRY
                         I found this in the bedroom
                         yesterday.  Apparently, it
                         describes the renovations Mr.
                         Pricklestankler was planning for
                         the house.  Do you think we missed
                         something?

               They all look over the diagram for a few seconds.

                                   JOE
                         What's this?

               JOE points to a spot on the diagram.

                                   HENRY
                             (reading the diagram)
                         "I.L.O.D."  What do you think that
                         means?

                                   JOE
                         If I knew, I wouldn't have asked,
                         genius.

               HENRY glares at JOE for a second.

                                   HENRY
                         ...Maybe we should check it out. 
                         It says that it's in the main
                         hallway. 

               HENRY leads them out of the room.

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. THE HALLWAY - MORNING

               HENRY walks to the middle of the hallway as he reads the
               diagram.

                                   HENRY
                         Whatever it is, it should be right
                         about here.  Do you see anything?

               JOE stares at a section of the wall that appears to be
               slightly darker than the surrounding sections.

                                   JOE
                         This wall doesn't look right.

               HENRY walks over to it and touches it, then knocks on it.  It
               makes a hollow sound.

                                   HENRY
                         Holy shit...I think this is a false
                         panel! 

               HENRY pushes on the wall, and it moves slightly inward.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         It's moving!  Guys, help me push it
                         in!

               The others join HENRY, and with a bit more effort, they
               manage to move the wall, which swings inward like a door.  It
               reveals a long downward passage.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         It's a secret passage.  The old
                         bastard was more clever than we
                         thought.  Come on!

                                   JOE
                         What the fuck?  Why do you want to
                         go down there?

                                   HENRY
                         Because Lucius might be hiding in
                         there!  It's probably where he's
                         keeping all that stuff he bought.  

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, I'ma pop a cap up in dat
                         bitch's ass, homies!  Y'all wit'
                         me?

                                   HENRY
                         Calm down, Jukebox.  We need to
                         talk to him, not kill him.

                                   JOE
                         Can we at least beat him within an
                         inch of his life?

                                   HENRY
                         We'll see.

                                   JOE
                         Let's go.

               All except BOB walk down the stairs.

                                   HENRY
                         Bob, come on!

                                   BOB
                         Dude...what if there are ghosts in
                         there?

                                   HENRY
                         There's no ghost, Bob!  Mr.
                         Blundersmythe tricked us!  Haven't
                         you been paying attention?

                                   BOB
                         To what?

                                   JOE
                         Damn it, Bob, just get your ass in
                         here so we can pummel Lucius.

                                   BOB
                         ...Yes, sir.

               BOB enters the passage.  As he does, the door slams shut
               behind him.

                                   HENRY
                         Crocks in a cockpot!  Did you do
                         that, Bob?

                                   BOB
                         No.

                                   JOE
                         Crocks in a cockpot?

               BOB tries to open the door, but it doesn't move.  Meanwhile,
               HENRY turns on a pocket flashlight.

                                   BOB 
                         Dude...it's not working!

                                   JOE
                         You've gotta be shitting me.

                                   HENRY
                         All right...just stay calm.  When
                         we find Lucius, we'll ask him how
                         it works.  Let's see what's down
                         here.

               HENRY walks forward, eventually coming to another door.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         What's this?

               HENRY shines his flashlight toward the ground to reveal what
               appears to be a welcome mat.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                             (reading the mat)
                         "Welcome to Uncle Thad's Insane
                         Labyrinth of Death.  Please wipe
                         your feet."

                                   JOE
                         What?  What the fuck is an Insane
                         Labyrinth of Death?

                                   HENRY
                         I bet Lucius put that there to
                         scare people away.  We're going in.

               HENRY pushes the door open.  It reveals a pitch-black
               passage.  HENRY shines his flashlight down the passage, but
               nothing is visible.

                                   HENRY
                         Uh...who wants to go first?

                                   JOE
                         Bob, you were the last one in here,
                         so you can be the first to explore
                         this room.

                                   BOB
                         Dude, it's dark in there!

                                   JOE
                         Hmmm...Bob, did you know that every
                         Insane Labyrinth of Death has an
                         ice cream machine in it?

                                   BOB
                         Really?  Out of my way!

               BOB pushes past HENRY and JOE and runs into the passage.  A
               few seconds pass.

                                   BOB (O.S.)
                         AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

                                   HENRY
                         Bob, are you all right?

                                   BOB (O.S.)
                         Dude!  Help!

               HENRY, JOE, and JUKEBOX run inside.

                                   HENRY
                         What happened?

                                   BOB
                         I walked into a spider web!  Get it
                         off get it off get it off get it
                         off get it off get it off get it
                         off get it off get it off...

               HENRY smacks BOB in the head.

                                   BOB (CONT'D)
                         Ouch, dude!

                                   JOE
                         Hey, that's my job!

                                   HENRY
                         Stay calm, Bob!  Let's just see
                         what else is here.

               HENRY leads them down the passage.  They come to a section
               that branches off in several directions.

                                   HENRY
                         Um...let's keep going straight.

               They keep walking, encountering several abstract paintings on
               the wall.  The bricks seem to be in odd shapes, and graffiti
               is painted on them in an unknown language.

                                   JOE
                         What the fuck is this place?

                                   HENRY
                         It's probably part of the funhouse.  

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, when's da fuckin' up goin'
                         down, niggas?

                                   HENRY
                         Any second now, Jukebox.  He can't
                         hide from us forever.

               They keep walking down the passage.

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. ANOTHER PASSAGE - DAY?

               HENRY leads them past several odd plants, along with more
               abstract paintings and gibberish graffiti.

                                   JOE
                         Henry, we've been down here for...

               JOE illuminates his watch.

                                   JOE (CONT'D)
                         ...45 minutes.  Where the fuck is
                         he?

                                   HENRY
                         I...I don't know.  

                                   JOE
                         Well...where are we, then?

                                   HENRY
                             (very quietly)
                         We're lost...

                                   JOE
                         What?

                                   HENRY
                             (yelling)
                         I said we're fucking lost!!!

               The yell echoes down the passage.

                                   JOE
                         Oh...shit.

                                   HENRY
                         It's okay...I can handle this.  I
                         think I know how we can get
                         out...I'm going to call my partner,
                         and he should be here in a few
                         minutes.

                                   JOE
                         That makes no sense.  How is he
                         going to find us?

                                   HENRY
                         ...I have a tracker implanted in my
                         skull.  It's for emergencies.

                                   JOE
                         You're fucking weird.

                                   HENRY
                         Look, this thing is going to save
                         us a lot of time!  I'll call him
                         right now.  Hold my flashlight,
                         Bob.

               HENRY hands his flashlight to BOB, then takes out a small
               cellular phone.  As he begins to dial, it turns off.

                                   HENRY
                         Fuck!

                                   JOE
                         What happened?

                                   HENRY
                         The battery died, that's what.  I
                         should've seen that coming.  This
                         phone is like a prostitute.  It's
                         overpriced, and it fucks you
                         whenever you need it!

                                   JOE
                         ...Wow.

                                   HENRY
                         Does anyone else have a phone I can
                         use?

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, I gots one, Hen-rizzle.  You
                         jus' be careful wit' it.

               JUKEBOX hands his phone to HENRY, and HENRY turns it on and
               dials.

                                   HENRY
                         Hello?  You there?  Help!  

               Pause.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         Oh, right...This is Henry.  I'm in
                         the Pricklestankler mansion. 
                         There's a secret passage here, and
                         I...kind of got lost.  

               Pause.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         I know you didn't want to come
                         here, but this is an emergency! 
                         I'll pay you back somehow, all
                         right?

               Pause.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         Thank you so much!  Don't forget
                         the tracker!

               HENRY closes the phone.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         He'll be here in about 15 minutes. 
                         We just have to stay put until
                         then.

                                   JOE
                         Son of a bitch...

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, gimme my cell phone, dawg.

                                   HENRY 
                         Oh, right.

               As HENRY starts to hand the phone to JUKEBOX, it rings. 
               HENRY instinctively answers it, hitting a button on the side
               in the process.  

                                   HENRY
                         Hi.  Is this for Jukebox?

               A mysterious deep voice answers, and for some reason,
               everyone can hear it.

                                   MYSTERIOUS VOICE (O.S.)
                         You fool, Jukebox is dead!

                                   HENRY
                         ...No he's not.  He's right here. 
                         Did you want to talk to him?

                                   MYSTERIOUS VOICE (O.S.)
                         Oh...um...well...gotta go!

               MV hangs up.

                                   JOE
                         Dude, who the hell was that?

                                   HENRY
                         I don't know.  The caller I.D. just
                         says "Unnameable."

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Give da phone back, nigga!

                                   HENRY
                         Sure.

               HENRY hands the phone to JUKEBOX.

                                   JOE
                         Uh...Juke...why could we all hear
                         that?

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, my phone be blingin', son! 
                         It's got a optional speaker!

                                   JOE
                         Do you ever keep your money for
                         more than five minutes?

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Why would I do dat?

                                   JOE
                         Never mind.

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. THE PASSAGE - DAY?

               They continue standing in the same spot.  

                                   JOE
                         Dude...you said he'd be here by
                         now.

                                   HENRY
                         Relax, Joe.  I know this guy.  He
                         wouldn't abandon me.

                                   BOB
                         Dude...what if we die down here?

                                   JOE
                         If you want to die, I won't stop
                         you.

                                   HENRY
                         Joe, stop being a douchepipe.

                                   JOE
                         A what?

                                   HENRY
                         You heard me.

               Suddenly, a light appears at the far end of the passage.  A
               dark figure appears, lighting torches on the wall as he walks
               toward them.

                                   HENRY
                         It's him!  Get over here, you!

               The figure turns toward them.

                                   HENRY
                         Hey, you, it's me, Henry!  Come on!

               The figure comes closer and is now visible.  It turns out to
               be an Asian man carrying a flashlight and a lit torch.

                                   MAN
                         What happened?

                                   HENRY
                         Oh, man, you wouldn't believe what
                         we've been through, you.

                                   JOE
                         Why are you talking like that?

                                   MAN
                         Who's this, Henry?

                                   HENRY
                         Oh, sorry.  I guess I should
                         introduce my friends here.  This is
                         Joe, Bob, and Jukebox.  They
                         volunteered to help me find the
                         ghost.

                                   MAN
                         Hi, I'm Yoo.

                                   BOB
                         You are?  Then who am I?

                                   MAN (A.K.A. YOO)
                         You're Bob, right?

                                   BOB
                         But you said you were me!

                                   YOO
                         No, I'm Yoo.

                                   BOB
                         But-

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. AN OLD-TIMEY VAUDEVILLIAN STAGE

               Two men resembling Abbott and Costello stand on stage arguing
               with each other.

                                   ABBOTT
                         Who is on first!

                                   COSTELLO
                         I'm asking you who's on first!

                                   ABBOTT
                         That's the man's name.

                                   COSTELLO
                         That's whose name?

                                   ABBOTT
                         Yes.

                                   COSTELLO
                         Well, go ahead and tell me!

                                   ABBOTT
                         That's it!

                                   COSTELLO
                         That's who?

                                   ABBOTT
                         Yes!

                                                                CUT TO:

               INT. THE PASSAGE - DAY?

                                   JOE
                         What the fuck was that?

                                   BOB
                         What?

                                   JOE
                         That...thing that just happened!

                                   BOB
                         What are you talking about, Joe?

                                   JOE
                         Didn't you see that?

                                   BOB
                         No.

                                   JOE
                         But it was...never mind.  So, your
                         name is Yoo?

                                   YOO
                         Yep.

                                   JOE
                         Yoo who?

                                   YOO
                         That's right, Yoo Hu.

                                   JOE
                         Why the fuck are you calling me? 
                         I'm right here.

                                   YOO
                         No, I mean my name is Yoo Hu.

                                   JOE
                         ...I see.  Were your parents fond
                         of chocolatey beverages?

                                   YOO
                         ...It's a long story.

                                   HENRY
                         Never mind that.  Can you get us
                         out of here?

                                   YOO
                         I'm not going anywhere until you
                         tell me why the hell you came to
                         this place.  Didn't I say that it
                         seemed suspicious?

                                   HENRY
                         Aw, come on, man!  I just wanted
                         the reward!  

                                   YOO
                         Henry...how many times do I have to
                         remind you that investigating the
                         site is one of the key elements of
                         ghost hunting?  I uncovered all
                         kinds of information on this
                         Blundersmythe character, but you
                         were already gone by then.

                                   HENRY
                         Yeah, we...kind of discovered his
                         plans.  We were just looking for
                         him down here, and we got lost. 
                         But you can get us out, right?

                                   YOO
                         Sure.  I lit a bunch of torches
                         along the way.  Why didn't you use
                         them?

                                   HENRY
                         ...I...didn't see any torches...

                                   JOE
                         You fuckin' idiot, how could you
                         miss those?

                                   HENRY
                         Get off my back, taintfondler!  I'm
                         under a lot of stress right now!

                                   YOO
                         I thought you were going to stop
                         using that word.

                                   HENRY
                         But-

                                   YOO
                         You know what?  Let's just get out
                         of here.  We'll find Blundersmythe
                         later.  Follow me.

               YOO leads them down the passage.

                                                           DISSOLVE TO:

               INT. THE PASSAGE - DAY?

               YOO leads them past the strange paintings and bricks, which
               are now much more visible.

                                   HENRY
                         ...And that's when I called you.  I
                         guess you know the rest of the
                         story.

                                   YOO
                         Wow.  I didn't think you were ready
                         to be on your own yet...and I guess
                         I was right.

                                   HENRY
                         You son of a...aw, never mind.  You
                         still saved us.  By the way...what
                         did you find out about this
                         underground thingymajiggiter we're
                         in?

                                   YOO
                         Well...that's the strange part.  My
                         research didn't uncover anything
                         about a secret passage.  How did
                         you find it?

                                   HENRY
                         I found a diagram in the bedroom. 
                         Apparently, this is an "Insane
                         Labyrinth of Death."

                                   YOO
                         Hmm.

               BOB suddenly turns in a different direction.

                                   JOE
                         Bob, get back here!  What the fuck
                         are you doing?

                                   BOB
                         I think I hear the ice cream
                         machine!

                                   JOE
                         But there isn't really an-

                                   BOB (O.S.)
                         AAAAAAHHHH!

               A splash can be heard in the direction of the scream.

                                   JOE
                         Bob?

               They all run over to see what happened.  The passage leads to
               a dead end that drops into a pool.  BOB splashes around in
               the pool trying to stay above the water.  A wooden ladder
               appears to be the only way back up to the ledge.

                                   BOB
                         Dude, help!  I can't swim!

                                   JOE
                         ...Yes, you can, you idiot!  You
                         went to Frank's pool party last
                         weekend!

                                   BOB
                         But I can only swim in above-ground
                         pools, dude!  Look how deep this
                         one is!

                                   JOE
                             (under his breath)
                         ...I hope he drowns.

                                   YOO
                         Bob, just climb that ladder, and
                         you'll be fine!

               BOB treads water to the ladder, but when he grabs it, it
               snaps off the ledge and falls into the water with him!

                                   BOB
                         Dude, no!

               BOB continues thrashing around in the water.

                                   YOO
                         Okay...we can still get him
                         out...we just need a long pole or
                         something.

                                   JOE
                         Maybe you can use the stick in
                         Henry's ass.

                                   HENRY
                         Crap on a crouton, this is no time
                         for jokes!

                                   YOO
                         Wait a minute...Bob, grab the
                         ladder!

               BOB "swims" over to the ladder and grabs it.

                                   YOO (CONT'D)
                         Now try to pick it up and put it up
                         here!

                                   BOB
                         Dude...what?

                                   YOO
                         Just do it, Bob!

               BOB lifts up the ladder and slowly works it up the ledge. 
               YOO grabs it.

                                   YOO (CONT'D)
                         Okay, Bob, hold on.  We're going to
                         pull you up.

                                   JOE
                         We?  Fuck that.

                                   YOO
                         If you don't help, I'm throwing you
                         in.

                                   JOE
                         ...Have I mentioned that I hate you
                         all?

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Don't be a playa hata, J-Dawg!  

                                   JOE
                         ...Fine.

               JOE and the others pull BOB back up onto the ledge.

                                   BOB
                         Dude, thanks!  I thought I was
                         gonna die!

                                   JOE
                         Well, dreams don't always come
                         true, do they?

               Everyone glares at JOE.

                                   JOE (CONT'D)
                         Oh, come on!  He's okay, isn't he? 
                         Let me have a little fun.

                                   YOO
                         Be quiet, Joe.  We're almost out.

               YOO leads them back to the entrance.  As he's about to return
               to the mansion, he bumps into LUCIUS.

                                   LUCIUS
                         Oh, hello.  I thought I heard a
                         struggle down here.  Who might you
                         be?

                                   YOO
                         I'm Yoo Hu, expert ghost hunter. 
                         Are you Lucius Blundersmythe?

                                   LUCIUS
                         Indeed.

               YOO grabs LUCIUS by the collar.

                                   YOO
                         What is your problem?  You've been
                         manipulating people to get
                         attention, haven't you?

                                   LUCIUS
                         What are you talking about?

                                   YOO
                         Don't play dumb with me!  I know
                         all about the "funhouse" you're
                         building.  My friends here almost
                         died because of you! 

                                   LUCIUS
                         That's preposterous!  I haven't
                         even begun construction yet!

                                   YOO
                         Then how do you explain all the
                         weird things they saw last night?

                                   LUCIUS
                         What things?

                                   JOE
                         Dude, it's no use.  We all saw you
                         in the house.  

                                   LUCIUS
                         Oh...you did...

                                   JOE
                         Yeah.  And we know that you've been
                         using us to test your stupid ideas. 
                         What were you thinking?

                                   LUCIUS
                         All right!  I admit it!  I was in
                         the house last night!  But...

                                   YOO
                         But what, liar?!

                                   LUCIUS
                         I...was...just...

               As LUCIUS tries to speak, a bright light fills the passage.

                                   YOO
                         Whoa!

               A transparent figure appears in front of them.  It resembles
               the old man that HENRY saw in the bedroom.

                                   HENRY
                         Hey, it's the guy from last night!

                                   YOO
                         You bastard, you can't fool us that
                         easily!

                                   LUCIUS
                         I'm not doing anything!

                                   YOO
                         Stop lying!

                                   LUCIUS
                         But-

               The figure speaks.

                                   FIGURE
                         Silence!!!

               Everyone stares at him.

                                   FIGURE (CONT'D)
                         What are you people doing in my
                         house?

                                   HENRY
                         Sweet merciful fuck on a pogo
                         stick!  It's the ghost of Thaddeus
                         Pricklestankler!

                                   FIGURE (A.K.A. THADDEUS)
                         Very perceptive, trespasser.  

               YOO pulls a small EMF meter out of his pocket, and it beeps
               loudly.

                                   YOO
                         My meter is going crazy!  I...I
                         think it's really him!

                                   THADDEUS
                         Of course it is, you fool!  

                                   LUCIUS
                         I told you!

                                   THADDEUS
                         Shut up!

               THADDEUS points at LUCIUS, who falls backwards.

                                   LUCIUS
                         Bloody hell!

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Yo, dat ain't coo', you racist
                         muthafucka!

               THADDEUS does the same thing to JUKEBOX, who falls over.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Dag, yo!

                                   THADDEUS
                         What is the meaning of this?  My
                         mansion is private property!

                                   HENRY
                         Uh...Mr. Pricklestankler...sir...we
                         just wanted to see if you were
                         really here.

                                   THADDEUS
                         That's no excuse!  I should lock
                         you all in here, so you can suffer
                         like I did!

                                   HENRY
                         What?

                                   THADDEUS
                         I had this Insane Labyrinth of
                         Death constructed so I would have a
                         place to hide when They came for
                         me.  

                                   HENRY
                         Man, They were after you too? 
                         Those guys are dicks.

                                   THADDEUS
                         Silence!!!

                                   HENRY
                         ...Sorry.

                                   THADDEUS
                         It was the perfect plan...but I was
                         locked in by one of the
                         workers...and I starved to death. 
                         All I needed was a way out...and
                         now you've given it to me. 
                         HAHAHAHAHA!!!

                                   HENRY
                         What do you mean?

               THADDEUS knocks over several torches on the wall, and they
               ignite the wooden stairs. The fire spreads to the outside.

                                   THADDEUS
                         I'm finally free of this earthly
                         prison!  HAHAHAHAHA!!!

                                   YOO
                         Guys, I think we should go!

               YOO leads them out of the mansion.  

                                                                CUT TO:

               EXT. THE PRICKLESTANKLER MANSION - DAY 

               They stand on the edge of the property and watch the mansion
               slowly burn to the ground.

                                   JOE
                         Wow, that burned fast.

                                   LUCIUS
                         You bloody fools!  You've ruined my
                         plans!

                                   JOE
                         All right, this makes no sense! 
                         What the fuck just happened?

                                   LUCIUS
                         I'll tell you what happened!  Your
                         carelessness just ruined my life!
                         How am I supposed to build the
                         Pricklestankler Funhouse now?

                                   YOO
                             (angry)
                         Everybody shut up!!!

               They all stare at YOO.

                                   YOO (CONT'D)
                         Lucius...explain yourself.  Now.

                                   LUCIUS
                         Well...as I was saying...I was
                         going to turn this mansion into an
                         exquisite tourist attraction.  I
                         had ordered all sorts of wonderful
                         machines to simulate a haunted
                         house...but that will never happen
                         now.  I might as well tell them not
                         to ship anything.

                                   HENRY
                         Wait a minute...you're telling me
                         that you didn't actually get any of
                         this stuff yet?

                                   LUCIUS
                         Exactly!  

                                   HENRY
                         So that means...the stuff that
                         happened last night...

                                   JOE
                         ...Really was Thaddeus
                         Pricklestankler's ghost.

                                   JUKEBOX
                         Shee-it.

                                   JOE
                         And we didn't get any evidence, did
                         we?

                                   HENRY
                         ...No.

                                   JOE
                         So...if the house is gone...and
                         we've got nothing to show for it...

               JOE pauses to contemplate the situation.

                                   JOE (CONT'D)
                         Motherfucker!  I can't get my spone
                         now!  You son of a bitch!

                                   HENRY
                         Hey, it wasn't my fault!  If it
                         wasn't for Lucius being in the
                         house...

               HENRY looks at LUCIUS.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         Wait a second...if you weren't
                         behind the haunting...what the hell
                         were you doing?

               LUCIUS hesitates.

                                   LUCIUS
                         Well...

                                   HENRY
                         Well what?

                                   LUCIUS
                         ...I...sometimes enjoy...watching
                         people...in their...private
                         moments...

                                   JOE
                         Oh, for the love of...

                                   HENRY
                         I guess that explains the spy
                         camera.

                                   JOE
                         I should've known you would pull
                         something like this.  Your entire
                         family is fucked up.  Perverted
                         asshole.

                                   LUCIUS
                         I'll have you know that voyeurism
                         is a perfectly legitimate lifestyle
                         choice! 

                                   JOE
                         Yeah, sure.  Go fuck yourself.

               They start to walk away from LUCIUS.

                                   LUCIUS
                         Just a sodding minute!

               Everyone turns back.

                                   LUCIUS (CONT'D)
                         Someone is going to pay for this
                         damage.  I still own the property,
                         you know.

                                   YOO
                         Look...why don't we split the
                         payment?  We'll contribute half,
                         and you can contribute the rest. 
                         We all had a hand in this.

                                   LUCIUS
                         Unacceptable!  This is your fault!

                                   YOO
                         Now wait a second, Mr.
                         Blundersmythe.  You wouldn't want
                         anyone finding out about your
                         "lifestyle choice," would you?

                                   LUCIUS
                         ...Half and half it is.  Pleasure
                         doing business with you, sir!

                                   YOO
                         Right.

               They turn back and head toward HENRY'S car.

                                   BOB
                         Dude...I feel ripped off.  I didn't
                         even get my ice cream, dude.

                                   JOE
                         Bob, you idiot, there was no ice
                         cream.  And even if there was, who
                         cares?  I went to all this trouble,
                         and I won't even get a spone!  I'll
                         have to use the money I was saving
                         to pay for this asshole's house!

                                   HENRY
                         It's okay, Joe.  Life goes on.

                                   JOE
                         You!  I'm not letting you off the
                         hook that easily.  You're going to
                         pay me back for this somehow.  But
                         until I can think of something...I
                         just have one question.

                                   HENRY
                         ...Okay.

                                   JOE
                         What the fuck is a "taintfondler?"

                                   HENRY
                         Well, it's...one who...fondles
                         one's taint.

               JOE stares at HENRY for a second, then turns around.

                                   HENRY (CONT'D)
                         Does that answer your question?

               JOE turns back around and hits HENRY in the head with the
               knobsock.

                                                         FADE TO BLACK.