The Complete, Unabridged Donktionary®

NOTE: The Donktionary® is a living document, and I occasionally add definitions. Any definitions added after the original post date will be noted. Thank you.

It's been awhile, but I said I was going to put together a complete list of English to liberal translations, and now it's ready to go.

The following list of words and definitions was created mostly by me, but several members of The Alliance of Free Blogs helped out, and their entries are identified with links going back to their respective blogs.

Before you click the extended entry, I want to make a quick note. I went through Democratic Underground to get some ideas for this, and it made me think of something : Remember the version of hell presented by the movie "What Dreams May Come?" You know it's just in your mind at first, but if you stay there too long, it sucks you in and you become part of it, and your mind essentially creates hell for you. Maybe that's what happens to DU posters who seem to have massive tinfoil hat syndrome. They go there expecting rational debate, but the idiocy is so strong that it assimilates them. Just a thought.

And now, ladies and gentlemen of the blogosphere, I give you...

THE COMPLETE DONKTIONARY®:

Abortion: Medical procedure that allows women to exercise their personal freedom and prevents them from being forced to become incubators for future members of the Evil White Patriarchy™.
ACLU: Ashcroft Crushing Liberals United.
Adultery: Archaic term used by neocons to make people feel guilty for enjoying sex.
Affirmative Action: Policies designed to keep the Evil White Patriarchy™ from taking over the world.
Anti-American: Agreeing with President Bush.
Appeasement: The solution to all foreign problems.
AWOL: The default status of any National Guardsman whose service is not completely and flawlessly documented. (definition added on 2/4/04)
Baghdad: Quagmire central.
Bigotry: Disagreeing with liberal ideas.
Bill Clinton: Once thought to be the Savior of America, Clinton was unjustly persecuted and crucified impeached by the evil Romans Republicans.
Brain Damage: Condition that causes one to become a conservative. (taken from Democratic Underground)
Campaign: Contest in which the participants try to come up with the best way to belittle the opposition without forming their own set of policies.
Censorship: 1. Criticizing liberal ideas; 2. What conservatives do whenever they state one of their delusional viewpoints without including the obviously superior liberal viewpoint as well. (#2 from Frizzen Sparks)
Chad: Small piece of paper used by Republicans to rig an election.
Civil Rights: The freedom to do anything, anywhere, at any time, and with anyone without criticism. If someone even thinks that what you're doing is wrong, your civil rights have been violated.
Constitution: Set of rules and regulations that protects people's freedom to burn the flag, keep extremist judges out of office, and do anything they want in private. Also used to keep people from being offended by nasty words and displays of delusion religion. NOTE: Because the Constitution is a living document, it no longer guarantees the right to bear arms. That was only used when the entire country was full of backwoodsmen who needed to protect themselves and their homes. These people are now isolated to certain parts of the deep South.
Death Penalty: Genocidal conspiracy against African-Americans.
Dissent: Calling Republicans fascist monkeys.
Diversity: 1. Killing whitey; 2. Combining people of many races and ethnicities; 3. Having every color of the rainbow in your organization. NOTE: White is not a color. (#3 from Bad Money)
Electoral College: Definition is unclear, but we're pretty sure it's a school where people learn how to vote. They must have skipped class in 2000.
Elitist: Someone who believes that majority opinion should influence public policy.
Establishment Clause: Part of the Constitution that protects people from born-again bigots who think they can shove Jeebus down everyone's throat.
Europe: 1. Model for the ideal society; 2. Continent populated by intellectuals, innovators, and people who are generally better than Americans.
Evil White Patriarchy™: Right wing males.
Extremist: Politician with religious convictions.
Facist: The proper thing to call conservatives on the Internet. You must spell it this way, because the other spelling is usually capitalized for some reason.
Forgery: Document that supports Republican claims.
Fox News: Republican propaganda agency. See also Faux News.
France: A country that recently came up with exciting new strides in the field of geriatric care in adverse temperatures. (from Frizzen Sparks)
Free-Speech Zone: 1. Unconstitutional tactic used by Republicans to keep protestors away from the president; 2. The only way to protect minorities on college campuses from the hatred and bigotry of right wing protest groups.
Fundamentalist: 1. Christian who believes in God and reads the Bible; 2. Anyone that thinks anything is wrong. Ever. (#2 from Physics Geek)
Gender: Myth invented by the Evil White Patriarchy™ to keep women out of the workforce.
George W. Bush: 1. The Antichrist; 2. The single greatest threat to life on this planet; 3. An evil genius who was smart enough to steal an election, fool the American public into supporting an illegal racist war for oil, and create the illusion of an improving economy with tax cuts, but too stupid to chew a pretzel or pronounce the word "nuclear;" See also Chimpy, Dumbya, Hitler, Mephistopheles, Shrub, and *.
Global Leadership: Imperialism. See also PNAC. (definition added on 2/4/04)
Governor: The highest elected office ever held by George W. Bush.
Halliburton: Dick Cheney's evil empire. See also Helliburton.
Hate: Whatever comes out of Rush Limbaugh's mouth.
Hero: An American soldier who shoots his officers. (taken from an anti-war protest)
Hollywood: The Mecca of liberalism and the closest America will ever be to Europe.
Homophobia: Offending homosexuals in any way, even if it has nothing to do with their sexual orientation.
Idiot: A Democrat who votes for a Republican candidate. (taken from Democratic Underground)
Illegal Alien: An unfortunate non-citizen. (*submitted by a reader who heard Al Gore actually say it*)
Imminent Threat: What Bush* obviously meant to call Iraq in his SOTU speech, even though he never said it.
Imperialism: Attacking any country that has oil.
Individual: [No results] (from Anger Management)
Is: Definition varies from person to person.
Islam: A religion of peace, tolerance, love, respect, tradition, and other non-violent things.
Jerry Falwell: A public figure who represents the majority of Christians in America and accurately outlines Biblical teachings. See also Pat Robertson.
Jingoism: Flying the American flag during a war.
John Ashcroft: See Heinrich Himmler.
Karl Marx: The second most brilliant thinker in recent history (even if he was a bit of a centrist).
Kim Jong Il: World leader who will probably be the next victim of The Shrub's terrorist plot.
Liberalism: Killing whitey Standing up for underrepresented groups, murdering children protecting women's right to choose, persecuting Christians defending religious freedom, and taking your hard-earned money away from you balancing the federal budget with reasonable tax policies.
Lie: Anything a Republican says.
Logic: An outmoded form of argument popular among 18th Century thinkers. Has since been superseded by clever chants. (from Anger Management)
Mainstream: Liberalism.
Meanness: Personality trait caused by lack of empathy and refusal to throw money at social problems.
Media: Cheerleaders for the Shrub administration who are covering up the quagmire in Iraq and the massive economic recession.
Miserable Failure: See George W. Bush.
Multiculturalism: 1. Making sure that at least 10% of the people you meet in an average day can't speak more than a dozen words of English; 2. Celebrating any kind of cultural heritage except American.
Narrow-minded: Having an opinion.
Nazi: Redefined to mean any assertive conservative. The old definition of a heavily anti-semitic national socialist party is now redefined as "Progressive Democrat." (from Frizzen Sparks)
Neanderthal: Conservative judge.
Niger: See Africa.
Noam Chomsky: The most brilliant thinker in recent history.
NPR: 1. Underground resistance fighters speaking out against the neo-fascists. Don't tell them where the radio station is! 2. Non-partisan, Progressive Radio.
NRA: Neocon Racist Assassins.
Offensive: Any statement that someone might disagree with, even if they don't actually say that it offends them.
Oil: The root of all evil and the cause of all Republican military action.
Orwellian: The type of society we have thanks to the PATRIOT Act.
Patriot: One who blindly supports the neo-fascist government out of fear.
Patriotism: Defense record.
Peace: Avoiding conflict at all costs, even if it results in our annihilation.
Persona Non Grata: White politicians who dare to defy their African-American masters.
Photo-op: Republican appearing in public.
Police Brutality: Arresting minorities.
Quagmire: The result of deposing a murderous dictator and freeing millions of oppressed people.
Quota: Buzzword conservatives use to make diversity sound like a bad thing.
Racism: 1. Disagreeing with affirmative action and welfare, and/or belonging to the Republican Party; 2. Anything done by any white person, anywhere. (#2 from Physics Geek)
Recession: The economy under a Republican president.
Redneck: Epithet that makes fun of people because of their skin color, but isn't racist because it's true and applies only to white people. Damn crackas.
Republican: Racist, sexist, fascist, homophobic, warmongering, anti-choice, fundamentalist bigot.
Responsibility: Ree-spon-si-bill-lit-tee??? (checks in mental dictionary around "ragamuffin" and "rapscallion") Nope, not in the liberal language. Sorry.
Second Amendment: See murder.
Sheep: See Americans.
Sought: "President" Bush's pronunciation of the word "bought."
Southerners: 1. Racist, trigger happy, homophobic Jesus freaks; 2. Respectful, devout, tolerant men of the land with a sense of history. (definition varies depending on Howard Dean's location).
Speech Codes: The only way to protect the feelings of minorities on college campuses, since most college students have never been exposed to other cultures and are therefore intrinsically racist.
Suicide Bomber: Heroic freedom fighter. See also martyr.
SUV: Evil machine used for the sole purpose of destroying the environment. It's okay when celebrities use them because...well, because they're famous.
Taxation: The solution to all domestic problems.
Terrorism: American assassinations of foreign enemies. (defined by my writing professor)
Tolerance: 1. Agreeing with everyone all the time (unless they're conservative); 2. Not immediately beating the crap out of any damn cracker-ass honky who starts spouting racism. (#2 from Bad Money)
Uncle Tom: Black Republican.
Unilateral: Any coalition that doesn't include France and Germany.
United Nations: Organization created to keep U.S. power in check. Also has the magical ability to make illegal wars legal.
Vast Right Wing Conspiracy: The cause of every problem taxes and appeasement can't solve.
Victim: 1. Anyone who has been forced to endure the hardship of not being completely happy 24/7; 2. Someone who is not given something they want, even if they don't deserve it; 3. Someone whose feelings are hurt. See also minority.
Vietnam: Adjective used to describe a soldier's death (there may have been a war with a similar name at some point).
Weapons of Mass Destruction: 1. Red herring invented by Republicans to distract people from their imperialism; 2. Anything not found in Iraq (excludes evidence of a WMD research program). (#2 from The Idiot Villager)
Whitewater: (place hands over both ears) I'M NOT LISTENING! LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!
Yellowcake: See uranium.
Zionism: See Joooooooooooos!

So, there you have it. I'll probably be adding more definitions as time goes on, and I'll post them on the front page before putting them here.

For even more definitions from The Alliance, follow this link.