March 04, 2004

DO Semi-Fisking

Okay, I'm about to get to work on MoDoPoodle, but just so I can get some new friggin' content, I'll briefly go into today's Daily Orange. They're a bit of an easier target.

The main feature of today's DO is a two page article about anal sex. According to the article, the Bible supposedly says gay sex isn't a sin, and exposure to different sexual practices and ideas in college helps build tolerance and acceptance. It also includes some helpful information on the anatomy of the anus and why it's easier to get STDs through anal intercourse. (also, if you have the Dead Tree edition, the continuation thingy says see ANAL, page 6. That's just hilarious)

Don't worry; I'm not even touching that one, but you can read it for yourself if you're looking for a reason to bang your head against a wall until you lose consciousness.

Fortunately, there's also a political opinion column that I can make fun of. I won't do a full fisking because most of it is boring, but some of it is worth a look, particularly the last two paragraphs, which compare President Bush and John Kerry. Let's see what they have to say:

...In one corner, we find the former Texas oilman and former governor. A social conservative as firmly committed to the safety of the bedroom as to our nation's shores.

He's already playing "I don't know the difference between private behavior and government approval." Good way to start any comparison.

He supports family values, but opposes one form of family creation - gay marriage.

That's because two unrelated people of the same gender who just happen to be living together aren't a family, moron.

He claims to fight a fierce war on terror, but has surely recruited as many terrorists as he has seized due to his arrogant use of military might.

I see what's going on here. We can talk about attacking other countries, but if we actually ACT, it's arrogant. I believe Kim du Toit calls this attitude "pussification."

He praises the free market, but watched three million jobs melt away before even mentioning the problem publicly.

"9/11 had NO economic effects, and the recession was all Bush's fault, even though the economy works in cycles AND Clinton's policies were still in effect half the time!"

Incidentally, I've said before that I know nothing about economics, but I think it's odd that the same people who are prone to calling Bush a fascist want him to control corporations and production. Isn't state control of private industries a defining characteristic of fascism? Correct me if I'm wrong.

Now, what about John F**kin' Kerry?

In the other corner, we see the son of a diplomat, a career politician born to moderate riches and married to even greater ones.

Interesting how those are suddenly inconsequential/good things just because of a (D) next to the guy's name, isn't it?

Yet he will take on Bush with a platform aimed at replacing America's lost jobs through greater investment in clean energy, subsidies to the manufacturing sector, and funding for schools to halt widespread layoffs.

When did he say this? All I ever remember is "Vietnam," "don't question my patriotism," and "tax cuts for the wealthy."

Put simply, Kerry offers hope and progress - two qualities Bush has continually struggled to maintain.

Any proof of this? I didn't think so. If your idea of "hope and progress" is letting the "International Community" control America, I'd say you might be right. Otherwise, I'd say you might be legally retarded (/shameless SNL ripoff).

Thus the choice is blindingly clear.

No, the blindness is just what happens when your optic nerves have no brain to connect with.

We can vote for America in November - or we can vote for Bush.

Wow. That statement really jumped out at me. According to this guy, the candidate who, willingly or accidentally, aided the enemy during the Vietnam war and voted against defense funding is more American than the candidate who brought down the Taliban and Saddam Hussein.


Posted by CD on March 4, 2004 06:46 PM
Semi-Intelligent Comments

We've actually killed or captured more terrorists then we would've created; we also showed the terrorists we're not affraid to use force against 'em. How's that for a paper tiger bin laden.

That reads like your every day college paper shpeil

Posted by: jaws at March 4, 2004 07:17 PM
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