March 04, 2004

MoDo Makes it So Easy...

"CD's Theory of Exponentially Increasing Dowdian Idiocy" has been proven correct for the time being. Maureen Dowd's latest column is one of the most asinine things I've seen in a while. Let's take a look:


You've got to admire the Bush re-election ads being rolled out today. With up to $60 million to spend by convention time, the campaign is plotting the most expensive political advertising seduction in history...

She didn't even try to conceal the elitism.

"If Americans could think for themselves, they'd NEVER vote for Bush, so they have to be seduced!"

...and you can see the money on the screen.

Of course, if he hadn't spent a lot of money, you'd blame it on the poor economy and use it as proof that the administration is bankrupt.

In scary/gauzy images...

Keep in mind that her standards of scariness are probably a bit different, since she considers anything above a loud whisper to be a "testosterone-infused performance" (see her column on the SOTU).

...the president does his best to shift the blame, take the credit and transmit concern about regular folks — waitresses, welders, firefighters, black children, black seniors, middle-class families — when he really spends more time helping his fat-cat corporate friends.

I'm still convinced that she just has a random liberal epithet generator writing these columns for her. Why is she writing for the NYT when the best she can come up with is the classic "only rich white men vote Republican" crap?

Mr. Bush continues to imply that we should be scared because we're not safe, so we need to keep him to protect our national security. Which seems like a weird contradiction. If he's so good at protecting us, why aren't we safe?

Obviously, it's because there are still terrorists who haven't been annihilated.

...But wait! You're against military action! You should be happy we're not totally safe, because to be safe, we'd have to hurt the poow, defenseless widdle Awabs! AWWWWWWW....

The president doesn't hesitate to exploit 9/11 in his ads, even as he tries to keep 9/11 orphans and widows in the dark about what really happened.

Anyone who is still "in the dark" about 9/11 has been living either under a rock or in Palestine.

Mr. Bush's ad flashes a shot of firefighters removing some flag-draped remains of a victim from the wreckage at ground zero even as he prohibits the filming of flag-draped remains of soldiers coming home from Iraq and Afghanistan.

I'm pretty sure that wasn't Dubya's policy, idiot.

You might call the Bush ads, an homage to Ronald Reagan's famous ads, "Mourning in America."


Nothing like hypocrisy with high production values.

Notice how she hasn't actually pointed out any hypocrisy? She should write a song with Alanis Morisette!

"It's like a cam-pay-eeee-aaaaaaaign, on Election Day..."

Sorry about that (especially if you didn't get the joke). I couldn't resist. Let's move on:

I'm assuming that the second phase of the ad blitz will highlight the man with the plan: Dick Cheney.

Uh...what plan? Disclosing the Undisclosed Location™?

The Cheney ads could appeal to the base, featuring rich white men in the back seats of limos, showing how hard it is to make the tough decisions for you.

My originality detector is actually in negative numbers. I didn't know that was possible.

...What? It could be real!

Consider the possibilities:

I don't want to nitpick, but as an aspiring screenwriter, I HAVE to point out that Dowd doesn't use the right format for this next part. Screen descriptions should be italicized, not indicated by the words "ON THE SCREEN." Also, narration should say NARRATOR, not THE SCRIPT. Thank you.

ON THE SCREEN The spot lingers on a shot of the vice president's office door, closed and padlocked.

THE SCRIPT: "Big enough to tell you to butt out. Sensitive enough to know that special interests are truly special."

I can't believe she managed not to write "HALLIBURTON IS THE DEVIL" in size 36 letters.

ON THE SCREEN The spot opens with a tightly focused shot of a headless pheasant, then dissolves into a shot of a big Dick Cheney putting a miniature Antonin Scalia into the pocket of his Elmer Fudd hunting jacket.

Which leads me to my public service announcement of the day: Don't. Do. Shrooms.

THE SCRIPT "Man enough to hunt with all the big dogs."

ON THE SCREEN The spot opens with Mr. Cheney checking his mailbox on Massachusetts Avenue to see whether he's received his annual deferred compensation check for $150,000 from Halliburton.

Oh. There's the Halliburton thing. If you didn't see that coming, please shoot yourself in the head and raise the collective IQ of the gene pool.

THE SCRIPT "Bighearted enough to forgive and forget Halliburton's pesky overcharges in Iraq for oil, and food for American troops."

Weren't they prosecuted for that?

ON THE SCREEN A picture of Mr. Cheney beaming at his family.

THE SCRIPT "Strong enough to put his base above his daughter and support a constitutional amendment against gay marriage."

It's not his job to appease the gay lobby just because his daughter is a lesbian. He's the VP, not the Minister for Making People Feel Good.

ON THE SCREEN A close-up of Mr. Cheney accepting a huge N.R.A. check in his spider hole.

Wonderful! Let's compare Dick Cheney to Saddam Hussein, and the NRA to Al Qaeda! What a stupid poodle. I almost feel sorry for her.


THE SCRIPT "Protective enough to safeguard the firearms industry from liberal potshots."

"Those nasty, bad, evil gun makers! They TELL people to misuse their products!"

ON THE SCREEN While the "Pink Panther" music plays, we see a cartoon of the vice president, dressed in an Inspector Clouseau trenchcoat and a false mustache, wandering the desert with a spyglass.

See my previous PSA about shrooms. Those things'll screw up your brain.

THE SCRIPT "Steely enough to ignore the administration's own intelligence on the absence of W.M.D. and an Al Qaeda connection to Saddam.

"...Because weapons inspectors, England, and the U.N. don't count as credible sources anymore!"

Farsighted enough to know that one of these decades, the rocks and trash that Iraqis are throwing at American forces will be replaced by flowers and palm fronds."

"They may have pulled down a statue of Saddam, but it was only because it reminded them of George W. Bush, the fascimperijingonaziwarmonger!!!"

ON THE SCREEN A doctored photo of John Kerry, his war medals airbrushed out, canoodling with Jane Fonda at an antiwar rally.

You don't need a doctored photo, because there are real ones. Also, Kerry shouldn't even HAVE those medals, because if he was consistent, he would've thrown them away instead of being a hippie-crit and using someone else's. I wonder if he likes ketchup on his waffles...

THE SCRIPT "After getting four student deferments himself during Vietnam so he could attend to `other priorities,' he's still gritty enough to paint John Kerry as a spineless wimp on Vietnam and Iraq."

No, Kerry's not a spineless wimp. He's just a brainless, anti-American lunatic.

ON THE SCREEN A shot of Mr. Cheney driving the Nascar Viagra race car.

I think you have him confused with Bob Dole.

...Oh, that's right; All of the old, rich, white Republicans look alike! Isn't that right, Rep. Brown?

THE SCRIPT "Audacious enough to shred the American Constitution, even while he imposes one on Iraq."

Now she has him confused with Ashcroft, AND she used the word "imposed," which would imply that a constitution is a BAD thing, which would also make shredding ours a GOOD thing, which would....which....w....hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

...Oh, sorry. I must've passed out on the "H" key after thinking about that too much. I'll try to be more careful in the future.

Instead of speaking at the end to say he approved the message, as Mr. Bush does in his, Mr. Cheney comes on at the end of his spots with a paper bag over his head and says, "It's none of your beeswax who approved this message."

...That's just too dumb to comment on, MoDo. I'm disappointed.

Except in one, where a rotund man comes on and says, "I am Ahmad Chalabi, and I approved this message."

Anyone care to explain what the frick that means? I can't find much info.

...Hmmm. Kind of a crappy note to go out on...

...Hey! Look over there!

*runs away*

Posted by CD on March 4, 2004 08:37 PM
Semi-Intelligent Comments

I wonder if he likes ketchup on his waffles...

Great Line.

Posted by: Stephen Macklin at March 4, 2004 08:57 PM

Per the "random liberal epithet generator", did you see what Annika posted yesterday?

Posted by: Sarah at March 5, 2004 06:06 AM

Yeah. That thing is pretty funny, although DU still has the best conspiracies.

Posted by: CD at March 5, 2004 02:14 PM
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