Is This Serious?

Okay, there's a really weird editorial in the Daily Orange today. I can't tell for sure whether it's supposed to be satirical or sarcastically persuasive, but let's take a look anyway:

Bush: the real Hollywood president

Osama bin Laden lives in a split double in Lawrinson Residence Hall.

If you believe this theory is plausible, then you might also believe the lanky Muslim lives in the White House where he shoots hoops with the president and shares cooking tips with the first lady. Improbable? Yes.

See, it seems to be off to a good start, as it makes fun of dumb conspiracy theories. But the next part...well, take a look:

Maybe bin Laden is being held in captivity at Guantanamo Bay with the other al Qaeda conspirators. Or in a more believable scenario, he is surrounded by military forces in his native region waiting to be discovered.

Regardless of bin Laden's whereabouts, the Bush administration will likely produce the bearded one just in time for a grateful American public to re-elect George W. for a second term.

This is where I'm confused. Is he actually suggesting that we have bin Laden already ("only DU believes that!"), or is this column supposed to be a joke? It seems like it might be serious, based on the next section:

Oh, how storybook.

Yeah, as in "fictional stories." Are they actually using this argument amongst the general public now?

First President Bush handles Sept. 11 with patriotic poise, vowing swift revenge on the perpetrators.

Is that a bad thing?

He then wages a war on terror that includes a tangential invasion of Iraq, captures Public Enemy No. 2 Saddam Hussein and in an act of bad-action-movie heroism, corrals Osama just in time to renew his Mad magazine subscription to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

So...the War on Terror is nothing but a political move? I didn't think it was possible to be that cynical.

It's an epic drama that has played out for most of Bush's presidency - and in most of the Die Hard movies - and will come full circle with the announcement of bin Laden's apprehension.

Did I miss the part where we decided that Bush definitely knows where bin Laden is, because it seems like he's treating it as a fact.

This act will epitomize President Bush and the Bush family's American reign by proving that through all of George Jr.'s muddling, diplomatic shortcomings and vehement conservatism...

Conservatism? Where? I want a conservative president! Where is he?

...he is still the best man for the job. Centrists everywhere, terrified like the rest of us by terrorism's reality, will swing in favor of a Bush candidacy that allocates funds for advanced battlefield-motorcycles instead of public schools. Now we can finally sleep at night.

Point I've made before: Public schools are useless if they get blown up by Islamofascists. I'm glad we could clear up that confusion.

We remain comfortable, even in the face of allegations from former Bush counterterrorism chief Richard Clarke saying that the administration could have better defended against terrorism before Sept. 11 and possibly prevented it.

Here we go with the "Bush let it happen" crap. Don't you idiots have anything new to throw at us?

Bush's war on Iraq, which ties directly to his business interest in Iraqi oil...

He's using "war for oil" too? Come on.

...is justified when a groveling Saddam Hussein is removed from his dirt hole and paraded to the public as a man beaten. Who knows what the President and his empire...

Let's check the scorecard: We've got "Bush knew," "Bush has Osama," "Money for school, not war," "War for oil," "American imperialism..." Wow, this guy really has the talking points down.

...stand to gain from this calculated move...

"How dare they try to convince us that they did something good! Republicans are evil, so capturing an evil dictator must be a calculated plot!"

...but, in the end, Bush appears a poster child for the American dream.

It's the American dream to be forced to fight evil or face annihilation? Man, that sucks.

Capitalism dictates that only the strong - or at least those who can mutilate Ricky Martin songs with a tone-deaf Chinese accent...

Was that an American Idol reference?

...will survive. Mr. President is definitely the strongest, and his flair for the dramatic will work most effectively when King Kong bin Laden is brought onstage in shackles for the whole world to see.

I hope it doesn't happen that way. I'd prefer to just see his severed head on a plate of pork chops.

Here Bush will have single-handedly dismantled the terrorists Bruce Willis-style while screaming yippee-ki-yay in his Texas drawl.

"The president is a retarded cowboy! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I made a funny!!!!"

Can't wait for the sequel, even though they always suck.

I'm still a bit confused. Was this a genuine argument against Bush, because it almost seems like something Frnak would write to make fun of the anti-war crowd. It's got the oil thing, the political gain thing, the cowboy thing, the dumb thing...

What do you think? Joke, or idiot liberal?

I'm going with "all of the above," since most idiot liberals are a joke.

Posted by CD on April 6, 2004 04:00 PM
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