Precision Guided Humor: Fun Facts About Michael Moore

Now that I'm on vacation, I finally have time to participate in Alliance assignments again, starting with this week's PGH:

Michael Moore is about to release his latest crockumentary entitled "Farenheit 911" in which, rumor has it, he will somehow find a way to blame George Bush for the terrorist attacks instead of the terrorists themselves.

Throughout his career, Michael Moore has consistently twisted the truth and/or plain old made stuff up to promote the sick agenda that sloshes around in his stubble-bedecked head. With his latest effort he shows no remorse for the propaganda windfall he is about the hand the enemies of freedom.

Well, the Alliance can make stuff up, too, so let's see how he likes it. Your Precision Guided Humor assignment this week is to answer the question:

What "facts" about Michael Moore would you include in a documentary about him?

This is perfect, because I just happened to be doing a bit of "research" lately on Michael Moore's life, and I dug up quite a few facts that he doesn't want you to know. These are all completely false 100% true, but Mikey won't admit it if you ask. Check out the SIT list of fun facts about Michael Moore (note: the roundup won't be posted until tomorrow night, so I may add more before then):

-He constantly wears a baseball cap so "The Elves" won't steal his thoughts.

-That's not a beard. It's an alien parasite.

-He only hates Republicans because he was once mistaken for an elephant.

-He's a member of the Bin Laden family.

-"Nigerian bank account" spam was his idea.

-He'll be playing the role of Jabba the Hutt in Star Wars: Episode III.

-Speaking of Star Wars, Jar Jar Binks was also his idea.

-He really wanted to track down Roger Smith so he could declare his undying love.

-He actually weighs 175 pounds, but he's been wearing a fat suit for the past few years. He figures that if everyone is making fun of his weight, they'll forget about all his lies.

-He originally endorsed Wesley Clark because he thought the general invented the Clark Bar.

-He has a personal army of oompa-loompas waiting for the order to storm the White House.

-When he eats Mexican food, he qualifies as a WMD.

-He hasn't always made documentaries. Let's just say that his earlier films include "Blowing for Columbine," "The Really REALLY Big One," and "Roger and Me and the Babysitter and the Neighbors and a Goat."

-In his younger days, he was known as Mîkelmür the Conqueror, and he terrorized small Icelandic villages.

-He directed Gigli.

And there you have it. Now you know the whole truth about Michael Moore. Use your knowledge wisely.