Holy Crap, I Wrote a Sketch!

I mentioned that during my political hiatus, I would still be writing. I just finished the first of what will hopefully be several pieces I want to write this week.

Most of you probably know that I want to be a screenwriter, and you also may be aware that I'm a writer for Syracuse Live, a sketch comedy show at school. Up to this point, however, I hadn't actually written any comedy sketches. That's all changed now.

I want to post the script here and possibly get some constructive criticism. Don't worry, it's not as long as the last script I posted; It's only meant to be about 4 minutes long.

I think that's enough introduction. One last note though: Bob and Joe are just the names I give all my characters. They may change in the final version. Anyway, check it out:

THE SPAM SCAM

A Sketch by CD

SCENE #1

BOB IS SITTING ON A COUCH READING THE NEWSPAPER. SUDDENLY, JOE COMES RUNNING IN, BREATHLESS AND EXCITED.

JOE
Bob, you’ll never believe it!

BOB
(Looking up) What?

JOE
I just got an e-mail from some guy who says he can make me a millionaire!

BOB
Yeah, sure you did. (Looks back down) Have you been drinking again?

JOE
What? I’m not drunk. Look, I even printed it out.

JOE PULLS A PIECE OF PAPER OUT OF HIS POCKET

BOB
Wow, paper. I stand corrected.

JOE
Just wait a second. Listen to what it says. (Reading) Dear sir, this is an urgent business proposal. I am (sounding it out) Dr. Ib-ra-him Ka-ban-go, president of the National Bank of Nigeria.

BOB
Uh, Joe?

JOE
(Looks up) Hey, I’m not done yet! (Reading) One of our bank’s wealthiest customers has unfortunately passed away, and as he has no surviving relatives, we were forced to find someone outside the country who could look after a portion of his money. We believe that you are an upstanding citizen worthy of this honor. (Looks up) See? He thinks I deserve it!

BOB
Joe, I really think you should...

JOE
Keep reading? Don’t mind if I do. (Reading) In order to complete this transaction, we must transfer a percentage of these funds to your account. Naturally, you will be amply rewarded for your assistance by retaining a certain amount of the funds transferred, approximately 1 million dollars. (Looks up) I told you! I’m gonna be rich!

BOB
Joe, just wait a second...

JOE
I can’t wait! This is the opportunity of a lifetime! (Reading) However, in order to facilitate the procedure your financial assistance is required up front. To prove that you are interested in helping me, you must deposit five thousand U.S. dollars into my account. I will write with further instructions upon receiving this payment. Remember, this is risk free, and you could earn a big mega fortune!!! (Looks up) A big mega fortune! How can I refuse?

BOB
But don’t you think that...hmmm...five thousand dollars...(looks down for a second)

JOE
Something wrong?

BOB
No, it’s just that...did you say that e-mail was from Dr. Ibrahim Kabango?

JOE
That’s what it says.

BOB
Well, the thing is...I know him.

JOE
Really?

BOB
Yeah. I went on a trip to Nigeria a few years ago, and he helped me with my bank account.

JOE
So, do you think he’ll get back to me?

BOB
I’m not too sure. Ibrahim is a very shady character. You just can’t trust that guy. But...

JOE
...But what?

BOB
What you could do...You could give me the five thousand dollars, and I’ll personally deliver it to him. In fact, I’m scheduled to go to Nigeria next week!

JOE
Wow! How convenient! Sure, I’ll let you deliver it. What do I have to lose?

BOB
(Under his breath) About five thousand dollars...

JOE
What was that?

BOB
I said you’d be an idiot not to take this opportunity! Now, I’ve gotta go. Why don’t you transfer the money to my account, and then talk to me again when you have your big mega fortune!

JOE
No problem!

FADE OUT

SCENE #2

CAPTION: “TWO WEEKS LATER.” BOB IS AGAIN SITTING ON THE COUCH, AND JOE COMES RUNNING IN.

JOE
Hey, what happened?

BOB
What are you talking about?

JOE
Did you give my money to that Nigerian doctor so I could earn my big mega fortune?

BOB
Ibrahim? Well...about that...

JOE
Yeah?

BOB
You see...uh...he died.

JOE
He died?!

BOB
Yeah. He was killed by a...rabid...penguin. It was tragic. I mean, he never even saw it coming.

JOE
That’s horrible! Wait a second...there are no penguins in Nigeria!

BOB
That’s what he thought! Didn’t I tell you he never saw it coming?

JOE
I guess...but if he’s dead, he can’t give me my big mega fortune! Can I at least get my five thousand dollars back?

BOB
No. See, right before he died...after being attacked by the poison penguin...

JOE
I thought you said it was a rabid penguin.

BOB
Poison penguins can have rabies! Anyway, before he died, he said that I should keep the money.

JOE
Well it’s still my money, and I say you should give it back!

BOB
I can’t. I...already spent it.

JOE
WHAT? How did you spend five thousand dollars in a week?

BOB
I wanted to buy a bigger fish tank! Can you blame me?

JOE
But you don’t even have any fish!

BOB
Not yet!

JOE
You know what? Never mind the money. I’m leaving. See if I trust you again...

BOB
Suit yourself. (Goes back to reading)

TRANSITION. CAPTION: “LATER...” BOB SITS AT A COMPUTER TYPING AN E-MAIL.

BOB
(Reading as he types) Dear...sir. I am president...of the National Bank of Zimbabwe...

FADE OUT

END

Posted by CD on June 21, 2004 11:47 PM
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