The Democratic Jihad Continues

Holy crap. Why is Ted "Swimmer" Kennedy allowed to speak at the DNC convention? Oh, right, for the same reason Michael Moore is allowed to attend: THE DNC IS FULL OF FREAKIN' IDIOTS.

This speech Kennedy just gave is one of the most misguided things I've seen in quite a while. The basic message is "everything that's wrong in the world is George W. Bush's fault," but since I have some free time, allow me to fisk the relevant sections in a bit more detail. This isn't the whole speech, so beware of ellipses:

WARNING: EXTREMELY LONG POST

...Welcome home, for the ideals born in Boston and strengthened by centuries of service and sacrifice; ideals like freedom and equality and opportunity and fairness and common decency for all; ideals that all Americans yearn to reclaim.

"Now, er, uh, has anyone seen my pants?"

Sorry. Had to get the token cheap shot out of the way.

And make no mistake: Come November, reclaim them we shall by making John Kerry president of the United States.

That's a non-sequitur if I ever saw one. Maybe it would make sense if Kerry would let us know what he plans to do if he wins, but all I've heard so far is "I served in Vietnam, and I'm not Bush."

...Here in New England, we love our history, and like all Americans, we learn from it. We breathe it deep, because it sustains us, it guides us, it inspires us.

It was no accident that Massachusetts was founded as a commonwealth, a place where authority belongs not to a single ruler, but to the people themselves, joined together for the common good.

"For the common good." You've gotta love these useful idiots.

The old system was based on inequality. Loyalty was demanded, never earned. Leaders ruled by fear, by force, by special favors for the few.

Under the old, unequal system, the quality of your connections mattered more than the content of your character. Your voices were not heard. Your concerns did not matter. Your votes did not count.

The colonists knew they could do better, just as we know we can do better today, but only if we all work together... only if we all reach out together, only if we all come together for the common good.

There it is again. You are aware that the U.S. was founded on individualism, right? A notion that directly contradicts the collectivist ideal of "the common good."

Now, it is for us, the patriots of this new century, to do that, to shape our own better future and make it worthy of our past, to choose a leader worthy of our country. And that leader is John Kerry.

I think that statement should've included a drink alert.

Today, more than two centuries after the embattled farmers stood and fired the shot heard round the world, the ideals of our founders still resonate across the globe.

"Unless those ideals are spread by a Republican president! Because everyone knows people would rather be raped and murdered by a fascist dictator than liberated by an eeeeeevil Republican!"

Young people in other lands, inspired by the liberty we cherished, linked arms and sang, "We shall overcome."

When the Berlin Wall fell, when apartheid ended in South Africa and when the courageous protest took place in Tiananmen Square, the goals of the American people are every bit as high as they were more than 200 years ago.

"And when the statue of Saddam fell, when state-sanctioned torture ended in Iraq and when the courageous anti-terror protest took place, the goals of the American people were maligned as a sinister plot to steal oil and murder Arabs!"

If America is failing to reach them today, it's not because our ideals need replacing, it's because our president needs replacing.

Or it could be because every time our president tries to make a difference, someone compares him to Hitler.

We bear no ill will. We bear no ill will toward our opponents.

Phhht....heh....heh heh...

BWAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Yeah, tell that to Al "Digital Brown Shirts" Gore, Teresa "Shove It" Kerry, and her husband, John F. "Crooked Liars" Kerry. "No ill will." Yeah, sure. We believe you. As long as you understand that "we believe you" means "we think you're a filthy liar."

In fact, we'd be happy to have them over for a polite little tea party.

"Would you like some more tea, Georgie Flamey Pants?"

It's amazing what my brain can come up with when I think of lefty memes and South Park at the same time.

In all seriousness, any "polite little tea party" would probably result in the Democrats calling the Republicans "mean-spirited" and then throwing scones at them. Or something like that.

I know just the place: right down the road in Boston Harbor.

"Look, teacher, I can make historical references! Give me a gold star and a lolly!"

...I'm in a very strange mood tonight. Especially since I seem to be fisking my own fisking at the moment. Hmmm.

For today, like the brave and visionary men and women before us, we are determined to change our government. I have served for many years in the Senate and have seen many elections, but there have been none -- none more urgent and more important than this one. Never before have I seen a contrast so sharp or consequences so profound as in the choice we will make for president in 2004.

Incredible. I accept the same premises as him, yet come to a completely different conclusion. Hooray for critical thinking.

So much of the progress we once achieved has been turned back.

"He's giving people their own money instead of using it for The Common Good™! How will the Revolution succeed now?!"

So much of the good will America once enjoyed in the world has been lost.

Oh, yeah, we were the most popular country in history before the evil Bushchimperialist came along. When terrorists attacked us during the Clinton administration, it was only because they loved us so much.

But we are a hopeful nation, and our values and our optimism are still burning bright.

"But not if we can help it! Jimmy, come up here and tell the good folks all about malaise!"

Those same values and optimism are what brought our forbearers across a harsh ocean and sustained them through many brutal winters, that inspired patriots from John Adams to John Kennedy to John Kerry... and their strong belief that America's best days are still ahead.

I'd say something about this passage, but I wouldn't want to question Kerry's patriotism. If Ted Kennedy says he's patriotic, who am I to say otherwise?

There's a reason why this land was called "the American experiment." If dedication to the common good...

Stop using that phrase!

...were hardwired into human nature, we would never have had a need for a revolution. If each of us cared about the public interest, we wouldn't have the excesses of Enron; we wouldn't have the abuses of Halliburton.

Couldn't leave out the "corporate corruption" meme, could ya? I could've written this speech for you, it's so predictable.

And Vice President [Dick] Cheney would be retired to an undisclosed location.

Way to go for the easiest possible joke. You could've at least alluded to his F-bomb.

"And Vice President Cheney would be retired to an undisclosed location where he can go f**k himself!"

Soon, thanks to John Kerry and John Edwards, he'll have ample time to do just that.

See? That line would've been a perfect follow up to "go f**k himself." But no, you couldn't even pull that off, could you? You make me sad.

Our country demands a great deal from us, and we rightfully demand a great deal from our leaders. America is a compact, a bargain, a contract. It says that all of us are connected. Our fates are intertwined. Fifty states, one nation; our Constitution binds us together.

If he starts quoting Rousseau, I'm just going to walk away.

Yet in our own time, there are those who seek to divide us: one community against another; urban against rural; city against suburb.

Sounds kinda like the Democrats' method of pitting the poor, oppressed lower class against "the wealthiest 1 percent of Americans," doesn't it?

Whites against blacks;

Or the other way around, in the case of Affirmative Racism.

men against women;

Or women against men, as in "you can't control my body" and "no means no even if I don't actually say no."

straights against gays;

Or gays against straights, as in "you're an evil, bigoted homophobe if you don't approve of everything gay people do."

Americans against Americans.

Did someone say "Michael Moore?"

In these challenging times for our country, in these fateful times for the world, America needs a genuine uniter, not a divider who only claims to be a uniter.

"Or we can have John Kerry, who can claim to be a uniter and a divider without uniting or dividing anyone."

We have seen how they rule. They divide and try to conquer. They know the power of the people is weakened when our house is divided. They believe they can't win unless the rest of us lose. We reject that shameful view.

So do we, which is why we don't know what you're talking about. Sounds like a terminal case of projection to me.

The Democratic Party has a different idea. We believe that all of us can win.

"And if all of us can't win, we'll stop declaring winners so nobody's feelings are hurt!"

We believe we are one nation...

John Edwards begs to differ.

...under God...

"Just as long as you don't say His name in public!"

...indivisible...

"But definitely re-distributable!"

...with liberty and justice for all.

"Unless you're white, male, Christian, Republican, and heterosexual. In that case, shut up and stop oppressing everyone!"

And when we say all, we mean all.

"In the same way that when John Kerry says 'medals," he means 'ribbons.'"

Today in this global age, our goal of the common good...

STOP SAYING THAT!!!

...extends far beyond America's borders. As President [John] Kennedy said in 1963 in his quest for restraint in nuclear arms: "We can help make the world safe for diversity. For in the final analysis, our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this small planet. We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children's future. And we are all mortal."

See, the problem is that there are these guys called Islamic terrorists who want to kill us. They don't share our ideals, and their idea of "the common good" is "slaughter the infidels and convert the survivors." The existence of people like this keeps us from joining hands and singing happy songs around the campfire of peace and unity.

Interdependence defines our world. For all our might and for all our wealth, we know we are only as strong as the bonds we share with others. The dangers of terrorism and nuclear proliferation -- our greatest challenges -- are shared by all nations.

Yet another instance of identical premises leading to different conclusions. Am I to assume that you want to stop terrorists by giving them a stern lecture about the importance of the common good?

And our greatest opportunities, from achieving lasting peace and security to building a more prosperous society to ending the ravages of disease and the despairs of poverty, can all be seized, but only if the world works together, and only if America helps to lead in the right direction.

SO WHY THE F**K DO YOU LIBERALS IMPEDE EVERY STEP OF THE F**KIN' PROCESS?!

"Yes, we agree that terrorism should be stopped, and we can help solve the world's problems, but if we actually try to accomplish anything, it could make people not like us. We can't have that!"

It is my firm belief that placing popularity above your own well-being is a sign of severe mental immaturity.

And John Kerry has the skill, the judgment and the experience to lead us on that great journey.

Which he has demonstrated by missing Senate votes and not funding the war he voted to fight. But hey, he served in Vietnam, so he must be a better leader than George Dumbya Chimpenhawk.

The eyes of the world were on us and the hearts of the world were with us after September 11th until this administration broke that trust.

Right. It was all the administration's fault that people have short attention spans. Must be those mind-reading space lasers.

We should have honored, not ignored, the pledges that we made.

What friggin' pledges? We pledged to hunt down and kill terrorists, and we did. I don't think any of Bush's speeches included the phrase "we will turn the world into a collectivist utopia where everyone will love you for who you are."

We should have strengthened, not scorned, the alliances that won two world wars and the Cold War.

The Cold War was won through threat of superior firepower. And, of course, the failure of states that try to impose "the common good" on society.

Most of all, we should have honored the principle so fundamental that our nation's founders placed it in the very first sentence of the Declaration of Independence, that America must give a decent respect to the opinions of mankind. We failed top do that in Iraq.

In case you forgot, "the opinions of mankind" told us that Saddam Hussein was supporting terrorists, violating U.N. resolutions, and brutalizing his own people, all while refusing to tell us what happened to all the WMD he claimed to have developed. I guess "mankind" now means "Ted Kennedy."

And more than 900 of our service men and women have already paid the ultimate price. Nearly 6,000 have been wounded in this misguided war.

So what? In the Revolutionary War, which you seem to like so much, over 4,000 died, and over 6,000 were wounded. About 40,000 people die each year in automobile accidents. I guess cars are misguided, too. Or maybe throwing statistics around isn't really an effective way to make a point unless you back them up with logic.

The administration has alienated longtime allies.

Sacre bleu!

Instead of making America more secure, they have made us less so.

Oh, is that why we've been attacked so many times since 9/11?

They have made it harder to win the real war on terrorism and the war against al Qaeda.

Let's summarize the preceding statement: The real war on terrorism doesn't include deposing a dictator who financed terror, and Al Qaeda is no longer a terrorist organization, but they're still the enemy. Interesting.

And just in case he meant to say that the war on terrorism IS the war on Al Qaeda...

AL QAEDA IS NOT THE ONLY TERRORIST THREAT. Talk about a one-track mind.

And none of this had to happen.

"We could've begged the terrorists for forgiveness so they would be our special friends again!"

How could any president have possibly squandered the enormous goodwill that flowed to America from across the world after September 11th?

Maybe because none of that "goodwill" came in the form of material support. It's all well and good to say that you support America in its time of need, but we're still the ones sending billions of dollars worth of aid around the world every year and getting little or nothing in return.

Most of the world still knows what we can be, what only we can be, and they want us to be that nation again.

France?

America must be a light to the world. And under John Kerry and John Edwards that's what America will be.

Change "light" to "bullseye," and you may have a point.

We need a president.

Thanks for that much-needed piece of information. What would we do without our brilliant politicians?

We need a president who will bind up the nation's wounds.

"Kerry: He won't stop terrorism, but he'll make sure we have plenty of ambulances and fire trucks to take care of the damage when we're attacked!"

We need a president who will be a symbol of respect in a world yearning to be at peace again.

The Islamofascists are not "yearning to be at peace." That's why we're killing them.

We need John Kerry as our president.

We need John Kerry as our president just as much as you need a bigger head, douche.

(Okay, that really was the last cheap shot)

Time and again in America's history we, as Democrats, have offered new hope of a stronger, fairer, more prosperous future for all our people...

"...And we've delivered exactly the opposite!"

...a society that feeds the hungry, shelters the homeless, cares for the sick, so that none must walk alone.

See, the problem is that you want a government that does those things, whereas Republicans want a society that does them. One model works. The other doesn't. Guess which is which?

And when the elderly faced poverty and sickness that threaten their golden years, we created Social Security and Medicare.

Hooray for dependency!!!111oneonetwelve!!!

And when the voices of many citizens went unheard and their lives were blighted by bigotry, we fought for equality and justice and for civil rights and voting rights and rights for women and for the cause of Americans with disabilities. We fought for those.

Actually, if "we" means "Democrats," you've historically fought against those. But hey, who cares about the past, right?

And when higher education was beyond the reach of veterans returning home from the war, we created the GI Bill of Rights, and we have continued ever since to make college more affordable for millions more Americans.

...Which is why college tuition is rising. Riiiiiight.

And when men and women needed protection in the workplace, we demanded safe conditions for their jobs. We insisted on the right to higher pay for working overtime. And we guaranteed the right to form a union.

"We can't let those meddling individuals run their own lives, after all!"

And we pledge -- and we pledge -- and we pledge...

"...and you give yourself away..."

Wait, that's not right.

...a fair minimum wage, so that no one in America who works for a living should have to live in poverty.

"Minimum wage should pay for everything! What difference does it make if you're working a full-time job or flipping burgers? Government must provide a safety net for all the little peasants!"

Only leaders who know this history and abide by the ideals that shaped it deserve to be trusted with our nation's future. Sometimes, in recent years, they have fooled us with their rhetoric, but we will not let them fool us twice.

*cough*Clinton*cough*

In the White House, inscribed on a plaque above the fireplace in the State Dining Room, is a prayer, a simple but powerful prayer of John Adams, the first president to live in that great house.

"THAT BIGOTED RELIGIOUS FUNDAMENTALIST! HOW DARE HE KNOCK DOWN THE WALL BETWEEN CHURCH AND STATE!!!"

It reads: "I pray heaven to bestow the best of blessings on this house and all that shall hereafter inhabit it. May none but the honest and wise ever rule under this roof."

"JOHN ADAMS WAS A RELIGIOUS EXTREMIST! SOMEONE TELL NICHOLAS KRISTOF!"

In November, we will make those words ring true again.

"Honest and wise." I don't think that describes any politician since Reagan.

All of us who know John Kerry know that he's a fitting heir to these ideals.

And all of us who see John Kerry in the news think he's a flip-flopping wussbag. What's your point?

I've known John Kerry for three decades. I've known him as a soldier, as a peacemaker, as a prosecutor, as a senator and as a friend. And in every role he has shown his strengths.

Mmmm...waffles...

He was the right man for every tough task, and he is the right leader for this time in our history.

From what I've seen, he was the wrong man for every tough task. Except giving aid and comfort to the enemy, I suppose.

(Oh yeah, I went there)

John is a war hero who understands that America's strength comes from many sources, especially the power of our ideas. He knows that a true leader inspires hope and vanquishes fear.

I don't think any of those statements was connected to the one before it. You know, Ted, sentences usually move toward a conclusion. You don't just throw some vague, saccharine endorsements together and expect people to change their minds about anything.

This administration does neither. Instead, it brings fear...

Nobody saw that coming. You're so creative, Tedster.

...fear of rising costs for health care and for college; fear of higher unemployment and lesser pay; fear for the future of Social Security and Medicare...

Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't Bush taken distinctly leftist positions on these issues? I guess that since he supports evil, privatized health care and education, he's a right-wing extremist.

...fear of greater bigotry...

That's ironic coming from someone who compared Bush to Saddam Hussein and called his judicial nominees "neanderthals."

...fear of pollution's stain on our magnificent natural heritage...

Because Bush is clearly polluting our environment to fill the pockets of his greedy corporate cronies. I guess they all have special equipment that keeps pollution from affecting them as well.

...fear of four more years of dreams denied and promises unfilled and progress rolled back.

That's why I'm not voting for Kerry.

In the depths of the Depression, Franklin Roosevelt inspired the nation when he said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

Today, we say: The only thing we have to fear if four more years of George Bush.

"Don't worry about terrorists. They're just trying to kill you because Bush forced them to. As soon as he leaves, they'll all go back to being the harmless, cuddly buddies of the West that they always were."

John Kerry offers hope not fear: the hope of real victory against terrorism and true security at home...

I fail to see how he's going to accomplish that by doing the exact same things that made us vulnerable to terror in the first place. Maybe the Great and Powerful U.N. will protect us.

....of good health care for all Americans...

"Every last one of 'em!!!!!!!!"

...of Social Security that is always there for the elderly...

Kindly direct me to one instance of Bush threatening to take Social Security away.

...of schools and open golden doors of opportunity for all of our children...

"As long as they don't get better grades than the other children, because that would make them feel inferior!"

...of an economy that works for everyone.

The economy doesn't work for everyone. The economy works for those who work for themselves. I stand by my "useful idiots" statement.

That's the kind of America we will have with John Kerry in the White House.

Oh, good, I always wanted to live in a Marxist paradise.

And the roots of that, America, are planted deep in New England soil.

...Each new generation has to take up the cause, sometimes with weapons in hand, sometimes armed only with faith and hope, like the marches in Birmingham and Selma four decades ago.

Sometimes the fight is waged in Congress or the courts, sometimes on foreign shores, like the battle that called one of my brothers to war in the Pacific and another to die in Europe.

Now, it is our turn to take up the cause. Our struggle is not with some monarch named George who inherited the crown, although it often seems that way.

"He was elected, not chosen by blood, he's in charge of a republic, not a monarchy, and he doesn't even wear a crown, but...his name is George, so the analogy works! HA!!!"

Our struggle is with the politics of fear and favoritism in our own time, in our own country.

It must be tough fighting yourselves.

Our struggle, like so many others before, is with those who put their own narrow interest ahead of the public interest.

I'm pretty sure the public interest includes not being vaporized by religious fanatics.

We hear echoes of past battles in the quiet whisper of the sweetheart deal, in the hushed promise of a better break for the better connected.

...Says the man who's probably speaking only because he has the same last name as a former president.

We hear them in the cries of the false patriots who bully dissenters into silence and submission.

Oh, so you've also seen videos from ANSWER protests?

These are familiar fights. We've fought and won them before. And with John Kerry and John Edwards leading us, we will win them again and again and again and make America stronger at home and respected once more in the world.

"What? Don't ask how they're going to do it! You're just a commoner, so you're clearly not nuanced enough to understand even if I explain it to you."

For centuries, kings ruled by what they claimed was divine right. They could not be questioned. They could not be challenged. The people's fate was not their own.

A fact which has absolutely nothing to do with the current political climate.

But today, because of the surpassing wisdom of our founders, the constant courage of the patriots of the past and the shared sacrifice of generations of Americans who kept the faith, the power of America still rests securely in citizens' hands, in our hands.

"However, if the Republicans win, they must have stolen the election, because the citizens would never vote for them!"

True to our highest and noblest ideals, we intend to use that power. We will use it wisely and well. We will use it, in the poet's words my brothers loved, "to strive, to seek, to find and not to yield."

"Just as soon as Germany and France give us permission."

We will use it to heal, to build, to hope and to dream again. And in doing so, we will truly make our country once more "America the Beautiful."

I guess a giant crater where an American city used to stand would be considered "beautiful" by some...

Thank you very much.

No, Senator Kennedy, thank you. You've just stolen two hours of my life that I'll never have back. But since I'm not an enlightened liberal like you, I probably wouldn't have known what to do with them anyway.

Posted by CD on July 28, 2004 01:05 AM
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