Dear CD

It's come to my attention that most people are too dumb to get through life without having someone tell them what to do at all times. Therefore, I've decided to start an advice column. And wouldn't you know it, I've already got a letter to answer! Let's take a look:

DEAR CD:

I'm a moron, but since anyone can get into college these days, that hasn't stopped me from pursuing an education. My problem is that nobody seems to understand that I'm the most important person on the planet.

When I try to have a nice conversation with my equally stupid friends during lectures (and isn't that what lectures are for, after all?), we have to whisper to each other the whole time because these crazy professors (more like "oppressors") don't like people talking in class. Isn't that crazy?

How do I convince my professors that it's physically impossible for me to be quiet for a whole hour?

- LOQUACIOUS IN LECTURE

DEAR LOQUACIOUS:

You're right, you are a moron. It's clear that you're never going to amount to anything, so I suggest blowing your brains out now so your mind-numbing stupidity won't infect people around you who actually try to pay attention in class.

Hope that helps!