Hopeless

...That's the word I'd use to describe my social life (or lack thereof).

Seriously, fuck this shit. It's 11:30 on a Saturday night in fucking Manhattan, and I'm sitting alone in my room with the door closed. One of my roommates is in the common room watching TV with a friend of his who I haven't met, and the other two are out somewhere.

I have no idea what to do.

The CD of five years ago (the one who started this blog partially because it was easier than communicating in person with anyone) would've loved this. I had no desire for a social life back then, and most of my half-assed attempts were pretty much based on expectation rather than actually wanting friends.

Now, however...this fucking blows. I want to do things and meet people, but I don't know what to do. I spent the last couple years looking back on all the opportunities I missed and realizing that if I was placed in those situations now, I'd know exactly how to handle them. Part of the reason I did this NYU internship thing was because I thought it would give me one last chance to make up for those missed opportunities before moving on to the "real world."

Nope. I'm right back where I started. I know exactly how to make friends with people I've just met who are new to the area like me and don't know each other. I would probably have a decent chance of making friends in a classroom situation as well, since I actually started doing that during the last semester of college.

But what's this? All of a sudden, I'm living with people who have been here all summer and already know each other, and that means they already have their own individual social networks and plans. I don't want to be a dick and just barge in on them. "Hey, I've been lurking in the shadows all week, and I know you're with a friend, but can I hang out?" Or is that okay to do? I have no idea. I never even had a reason to know this until now.

In addition, I spend my weekdays surrounded by people who are, on average, at least a decade older than me. The only person close to my age is the other intern, and I never get to talk to her because they're always sending her out on runs, and when she is in the office, we don't work together on anything.

Fuck. This. Shit. Can I just have one chance to actually use skills I've learned before I'm required to learn new skills? That's all I ask. It's been like this my whole life. I spend years being clueless about something, and by the time I finally figure it out, it's too late, and I'm right back to being clueless about something else.

I'm tired of being lonely. So fucking tired...