June 03, 2010

The Least Mysterious Mystery Ever

So, I was going about my normal skimming of entertainment/production articles as part of an attempt to keep up to date on my intended industry, and I came across an interesting story that kind of reminds me of the old "crime down despite rising prison population" thing. Check it out:

A quieter Memorial Day Weekend capped an unusually sleepy summer kick-off month at the domestic [box office], as May revenues came in only slightly higher than totals for March.

Twentieth Century Fox's "Avatar" carried over into 2010, earning $456.8 million during that period, while Disney's March marvel "Alice in Wonderland" grossed $293.5 million during its first month of release. "Avatar" has cumed $749.1 million domestically; "Alice," $333.2 million.

With a total of $190.5 million, four-day weekend numbers were the lowest since 2001.

Hmmmm...Hollywood isn't doing as well as it expected. What a shocking development. It's almost as if nobody has any money, and the retards the Left Coast helped send to Washington are making things even worse.

But it can't be just that, right? Let's analyze some more clues later in the article:

Paramount's comicbook sequel "Iron Man 2" launched May 7 and earned $128.1 million for a cume of $279.7 million. Par and DreamWorks Animation's 3D toon "Shrek Forever After" debuted with $70.8 million on May 21, and after topping the Memorial Day frame with $43.3 million, has cumed $146.8 million.

The holiday frame's wide bows, Warner Bros. and New Line's "Sex and the City 2" and Disney's "Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time," opened under industry estimates with $36.8 million and $37.8 million, respectively.

Universal's "Robin Hood" repped a considerable disappointment for the studio, given its $155 million budget, debuting with $36.1 million for a cume of $86.1 million.

How could there possibly be a problem with a lineup like this? Why, people can go see a sequel, another sequel, yet another sequel, a movie based on a video game (which, if history is any indication, virtually guarantees that it will be a masterpiece), and a movie based on an idea that's been done lots of times already in various forms!

Surely there's something even better coming up later in the season, right?

Even the month's top players, "Iron Man 2" and "Shrek Forever After," haven't lived up to their franchise predecessors.

With middling results from several of Hollywood's early summer offerings, some insiders suggest red-hot tracking for June's slate could provide a B.O. boost.

Sony's "Karate Kid" reboot bows alongside 20th Century Fox's "The A-Team" on June 11, followed a week later by Disney's 3D toon "Toy Story 3." The latest toon installment enters fertile ground left by the first two offerings, which have cumed a collective $437.4 million.

Rounding out the month on June 25 are Fox's "Knight and Day," starring Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz, and Sony's "Grown Ups," starring Adam Sandler and Kevin James.

Summit's "Twilight: Eclipse" should perform boffo business on June 30.

You stupid teabagging rubes! How can you deny Hollywood's utter brilliance?! What gives you the right to spend your hard-earned and exorbitantly taxed money on something other than sequels, remakes, and reimaginings of ideas that have been done better by people who actually respect their audience?

And look, you can even choose from a whole two movies that are based on vaguely original ideas! That's unprecedented!


How can anyone not see the fucking problem here? There are maybe four decent films coming out of Hollywood every year, and yet they wonder why they aren't getting the returns they expected. But does it ever occur to them that if they spent less time creating lame duplicates of their previous work (which wasn't that great to begin with, in most cases) and more time actually making good movies, it might bring more people to theaters?

Of course not.

But remember, they're the Hollywood elite, and they are much smarter, richer, and better looking than you'll ever be. And if you forget, they'll remind you.

Over, and over, and over, and over again.

Is anyone out there wondering why I decided to go to New York instead of Los Angeles, by the way? Because if you just read this post, you shouldn't be.

Posted by CD on June 3, 2010 03:43 AM | TrackBack
Category: TRF (TV, Radio, & Film)
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