Semi-Intelligent Thoughts

This Is A Hockey Post (Alternate Title: Mock the Red)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Bring on the Habs! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

(Thanks to The Pensblog for the pics)

UPDATE

More awesome pics from the Pensblog comments:

Yes, I know this one has nothing to do with the Capitals, but it never gets old.

I've Been Waiting Almost A Year to See This

From TSN's playoff preview for the Penguins/Senators series (emphasis mine):

PITTSBURGH PENGUINS

Regular Season Record: 47-28-7, 101 pts
Head-to-Head Record: 2-2
Last Stanley Cup Win: 2009
Last Stanley Cup Final Appearance: 2009
Last Postseason Appearance: 2009
Players with Stanley Cup Rings: Chris Kunitz (2), Bill Guerin (2), Ruslan Fedotenko (2), Craig Adams (2), Marc Andre Fleury, Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, Jordan Staal, Sergei Gonchar, Pascal Dupuis, Alex Goligoski, Matt Cooke, Kris Letang, Brooks Orpik, Tyler Kennedy, Michael Rupp, Mark Eaton, Max Talbot, Eric Godard

It's that magical time of year once again. Go Pens!

Interesting

My high school has been featured on The Pensblog.

You know, we never made any hockey-themed videos when I took Berrott's class (although we did take a trip to a Pens game that included a tour of a Fox Sports Network production truck). I feel deprived.

Wait a Minute...

My last post still stands, but I have the strange feeling that there's something I've been forgetting to mention for the past couple weeks.

...

...

...Hmm. How bizarre. Maybe this video will jog my memory:

You know, some of that does look kinda familiar.

Unfinished Business

12 down.

4 to go.

Bring it.

Open Letter to the Versus Network

Dear clueless idiots,

For fuck's sake, stop letting Joe Beninati call hockey games. He has the most horrible voice in sports commentary, he spends most of the game having a conversation with his broadcast partner that isn't even remotely related to what's happening on the screen, and he gets more excited when telling us about the intermission report than he does after a goal is scored. The fact that you continue to give him assignments tells me that you actually hate hockey fans and don't want us to enjoy the experience of watching your network.

While you're at it, get rid of Darren Eliot. Sports announcers should not talk like Yoda.

Thanks for your time, and finally...fuck you.

- CD

BONUS:

Here's a little parody of the Beninati/Eliot style that I wrote in the comments of a Pensblog post during last year's playoffs:

"You know Darren, Daniel Briere was challenged by his coach, and he stepped up tonight. It's so great when -THERE'S A SHOT BY CROSBY!- players pick up their game in the face of adversity."

"That's absolutely right. Briere knew that his team was -great save there by Biron- on the brink of elimination, and he's keeping them alive."

"Darren, as a former goaltender, I'm sure you know how hard it is to -BIG HIT BEHIND THE NET!- play in an elimination game like this, and Marty Beeeeeeeron has sure shown that he isn't giving up."

"That's a great way to put it, Joe. By the way, have I mentioned that your suit is spectacular today?"

"Thanks, Darren. I picked it up last week, and -LUPUL FIRES AND SCOOOOOOOOOOOORES!- had it dry-cleaned at a place right down the street."

"Mike Richards Mike Richards Mike Richards, Joe.

"Mike Richards Mike Richards, Darren. It looks like there's a penalty. We'll tell you what it is eventually, but first let's head back to Bill at HOCKEY CENTRAAAAAAAAL!"

UPDATE
While I'm airing my grievances about Versucks...

Enough of the retarded "male enhancement" commercials. Are you such jokes that you can't get better sponsors than these intelligence insulting pseudoscientists?

Fuck you and fuck Gary Bettman for not getting a contract with someone competent.

Ray Shero for President

Pens trade defenseman Ryan Whitney to Anaheim

The Penguins have traded defenseman Ryan Whitney to the Anaheim Ducks for winger Chris Kunitz and [Eric] Tangradi.

Whitney, 26, left the Penguins Wednesday to attend to a family emergency. He was in the second year of a six-year contract that totaled $24 million — a $4 million per year cap hit.

Kunitz, 29, is a 6-foot left-handed shot who has scored 81 goals in parts of four NHL seasons with Anaheim and Atlanta. He has 16 goals and 35 points in 62 games this season. He is signed through 2011-12 at a cap hit of $3.725 million.

Tangradi is a 20-year-old forward born in Philadelphia. The 6-3 left-handed shot was the 42nd player taken in the 2007 draft. He has 38 goals, 87 points and 57 penalty minutes in 52 games with Belleville of the OHL.

This man is good at what he does. He dumped a soft, turnover-prone defenseman for a gritty top line forward and a decent prospect and actually freed up a bit of cap space in the process. I don't know if it will be enough to salvage this season, but the future is looking slightly better.

Hey Jagoff, Is Dis Da Stillerz Game N'at?

A while back, someone asked for the definition of a "yinzer."

In case my explanation wasn't good enough, The Pensblog has provided a helpful example:

Notice that this moron is at a Penguins game. In Washington, D.C.

That, minions, is a yinzer.

It Had to Happen Sometime

Dan Bylsma Named Interim Head Coach of Pittsburgh Penguins

Dan Bylsma has been named interim head coach of the Pittsburgh Penguins, replacing Michel Therrien, it was announced tonight by Executive Vice President and General Manager Ray Shero.

Bylsma, 38, has been serving as head coach of the team’s American Hockey League affiliate in Wilkes-Barre/Scranton. He will coach his first game with the Penguins Monday at 2 p.m. against the New York Islanders at Nassau Coliseum.

Therrien was relieved of his duties this evening, and assistant coach Andre Savard was reassigned within the organization.

Either Therrien changed something he was doing, or the players were tuning him out. Whatever the case may be, the team wasn't playing well under him anymore, and Bylsma has been a beast in Wilkes-Barre. I'm just wondering why Mike "power plays consist of making pretty passes for two minutes" Yeo is still around.

The next couple weeks will be interesting...

Connections

Blogging should pick up again once I have a computer that isn't trying to kill itself.

For now, considering the fact that the Penguins are playing the Columbus Blue Jackets tonight, I thought I'd mention that I went to the same high school as Columbus forward R.J. Umberger (although not at the same time).

Hopefully, his annoying ability to score goals on the Pens seemingly at will has diminished now that he isn't playing for the Flyers. Every advantage is important as long as Michel "reconfiguring the lines and giving French guys more ice time is the solution to everything" Therrien is still behind the bench.

Also, check out the description of PHS from that link:

Plum offers an award winning music department headed by band director, John Gula. The high school also offers another award winning program with their television production program headed by Rick Berrott.

Those of you who have been reading this blog for a while can go ahead and ponder what this says about the effect of one's education on one's future.

Scratch My Back With A Hacksaw

So...

My brother and his girlfriend got to meet Mike Lange at the Pens game last weekend.

Meanwhile, I actually spoke out loud today in order to tell the cashier at Pathmark that I don't have a platinum card.

Woooo.

*headdesk*

Open Letter to the Referees of the National Hockey League

Dear retarded zebras,

If it's a penalty in the first period, it should still be a penalty in the third period. Don't express your anger about never making it as a player by allowing people who actually have skills to be blatantly hooked/tripped/boarded/etc. right in front of your malfunctioning eyes.

Morons.

Staaltown

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

"Shoooooooot!!!"

I was going to do a short photo essay based on my trip to the Penguins' home opener on Saturday, but I decided against it for two reasons:

1. I was too absorbed in the experience to get as many pictures as I wanted (for example, there were two fights, and I didn't get shots of either).

2. The Pens lost 2-1 in overtime while only getting 15 shots on goal through 64 minutes, and I don't want to depress myself by thinking about that fact any longer than necessary.

On a side note, despite the abysmal shot total, I still want to do violent things to people who yell "shoot!" whenever the Pens gain the offensive zone. My brother and I made fun of them a couple times by yelling "shoot it!" when Marc-Andre Fleury (the Penguins' goaltender, for those unaware) had the puck behind the net. My brother also yelled "hit someone!" right before a faceoff.

Of course, our mockery backfired when a few retarded yinzers thought we were doing it out of frustration with the lack of shots from the rest of the team.

Speaking of retarded yinzers, here's an actual conversation that took place between two guys sitting behind me:

Douchebag #1: What happened to Kris Beech?
Douchebag #2: He went down to the minors, dude.
Douchebag #1: He got down with some minors? Awesome.

These two also spent a large part of the third period talking about how hard it is to get season tickets for football games.

Anyway...

Instead of the essay, I'll just post the pictures I did get, along with brief descriptions. As usual, these were taken with my cell phone, so they're extremely low quality, but they're better than nothing:

Approaching Mellon Arena

The arena entrance, which included red carpets for some reason

The brand new conference, division, and scoring championship banners

The view from my seat before warmups

The Pens and Devils warming up

Closer shot of warmups

One more warmup shot (I'm pretty sure the dude kneeling in the faceoff circle is Evgeni Malkin)

The opening faceoff

Martin "Uncle Daddy" Brodeur during a commercial break

And that's it. Again, I wanted more, but I kept forgetting that I had my phone. I'm also going to the game on Thursday against the Washington Ovechcaps, so maybe I can get some more there.

As long as I'm posting Pens-related photos, here's some more fun stuff that I, for some reason, haven't shared yet.

Quick backstory: As I've mentioned, my brother had a brain tumor last year. I don't remember exactly how this happened, but through a family friend or something, someone in the Penguins organization heard about this, and as a show of support, they gave him a Sidney Crosby T-shirt signed by #87 himself. Check it out:

Just to clear up any confusion, that autograph isn't part of the shirt; It was physically signed by the best hockey player in the world. Kind of cool, if you ignore what had to take place in order for us to get it.

On a final note, I may be moving back to New York within the next two weeks. More details once I figure out what the hell is actually going on.

You're Doing It Wrong - Starring Marian Hossa

It's a shootout...all eyes are on him...

Here comes the shot...

Look at the flex on that stick!

"O noes! I lets my team down!"

I won't make fun of Lidstrom, though. Ouch.

Also from that link:

The Pittsburgh Penguins excelled on special teams Wednesday night, scoring two power-play goals and a shorthanded goal in a 3-2 win over the Maple Leafs at Mellon Arena.

Wooooooooooooooo.

(NOTE: These posts will continue until the Stanley Cup is back in the 'Burgh where it belongs)

Sign #1 That the Penguins Will Win the Stanley Cup This Year

Ryan "The Human Turnover" Whitney is out for 3-5 months to recover from foot surgery.

Thank you, hockey gods. You've finally answered our prayers. Maybe Kris Letang will get some more power play time now.

One downside, however, is that Darryl Sydor will probably be playing regularly. I think the question of who Mark Eaton will be paired with has been answered.

My personal defensive pairing prediction/hope:

Orpik - Gonchar
Eaton/Scuderi - Sydor
Gill - Letang

Of course, knowing Michel Therrien, we'll see just about every combination imaginable (including Alex Goligoski being thrown in a few times just for the hell of it) until he finally settles on something around February or March. At that point, Whitney will come back and mess the whole thing up all over again.

...I mentioned that I would be blogging about hockey occasionally, right?