April 16, 2009

Open Letter to the Versus Network

Dear clueless idiots,

For fuck's sake, stop letting Joe Beninati call hockey games. He has the most horrible voice in sports commentary, he spends most of the game having a conversation with his broadcast partner that isn't even remotely related to what's happening on the screen, and he gets more excited when telling us about the intermission report than he does after a goal is scored. The fact that you continue to give him assignments tells me that you actually hate hockey fans and don't want us to enjoy the experience of watching your network.

While you're at it, get rid of Darren Eliot. Sports announcers should not talk like Yoda.

Thanks for your time, and finally...fuck you.

- CD


Here's a little parody of the Beninati/Eliot style that I wrote in the comments of a Pensblog post during last year's playoffs:

"You know Darren, Daniel Briere was challenged by his coach, and he stepped up tonight. It's so great when -THERE'S A SHOT BY CROSBY!- players pick up their game in the face of adversity."

"That's absolutely right. Briere knew that his team was -great save there by Biron- on the brink of elimination, and he's keeping them alive."

"Darren, as a former goaltender, I'm sure you know how hard it is to -BIG HIT BEHIND THE NET!- play in an elimination game like this, and Marty Beeeeeeeron has sure shown that he isn't giving up."

"That's a great way to put it, Joe. By the way, have I mentioned that your suit is spectacular today?"

"Thanks, Darren. I picked it up last week, and -LUPUL FIRES AND SCOOOOOOOOOOOORES!- had it dry-cleaned at a place right down the street."

"Mike Richards Mike Richards Mike Richards, Joe.

"Mike Richards Mike Richards, Darren. It looks like there's a penalty. We'll tell you what it is eventually, but first let's head back to Bill at HOCKEY CENTRAAAAAAAAL!"

While I'm airing my grievances about Versucks...

Enough of the retarded "male enhancement" commercials. Are you such jokes that you can't get better sponsors than these intelligence insulting pseudoscientists?

Fuck you and fuck Gary Bettman for not getting a contract with someone competent.

Posted by CD on April 16, 2009 06:21 PM | TrackBack
Category: Hockey
Semi-Intelligent Comments

Hmm. My complaint with Versus is that the other day they were showing some dumb nobody-outside-of-Pennsylvania-will-give-a-crap-about-this-game game than giving honor to The Defending Stanley Cup Champions™, as they should.

On the real, yo...

Me Intarwebz has been broked for about a week. Kudos to the Pens for stomping Philly, see ya in the Finals?

Posted by: The Mulatto Maker at April 26, 2009 08:47 AM

Kay, I;ve been trying to leave the same comment for like two days now, and Fluffy keeps kicking it back out. Grr. Argh.

Posted by: The Mulatto Maker at April 28, 2009 10:00 AM

...and now that I left that snarky comment, the one I've been trying to leave materializes, date-stamped as though it's been there the whole time.

Brad is just another commenter... stuck in The Twilight Zone.

Posted by: The Mulatto Maker at April 28, 2009 10:02 AM
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