CD's Guide to Firework Ruiners

I hope all you loyal minions out there had a good 4th of July weekend. I'm sure that most of you went to a fireworks display tonight, and I thought I'd write a quick post about some of the more annoying people you may have encountered there. This should help you identify the offender more easily in the future. Here we go (note for PC fanatics: I will be using "he" to describe all these people, but they can be male or female. Thank you):

The Tard Family: This is actually a group. They usually arrive in a van and unload about 12 people, 8 of whom are children. The children are allowed to roam free without any regard for safety, and at least one child appears to be either mentally disabled or just completely out of control, running around in front of cars and making strange noises. The one I encountered tonight, for example, periodically slapped himself in the face and made a loud growling noise. And he appeared to be about 10 years old. Meanwhile, the rest of the family ignores the small tard until one of them threatens him with physical violence. During the display, the tardlings react to each individual firework by screaming "WHOA" and imitating the sounds of the explosions. Their natural habitat is on the roof and/or hood of the vehicle they arrived in.

Captain Obvious: This delightful character decides that it's his duty to let everyone in the general area know that he's paying attention. He likes to point out what color each firework is, and will often shout "grand finale!" as the finale begins. He may be an adult or a child, or there may be several. A related species is the person who just repeats the words "grand finale" every few seconds throughout the display.

Mr. Uninterested: This guy drives all the way from home to watch a fireworks display, but before it starts, he decides that he doesn't want to be there, so he proceeds to talk to his companions throughout the entire show at a volume that lets everyone know the topic of conversation. It's usually something completely useless like sock darning (yes, that is an example from real life). He often has a cell phone so he can communicate with fellow ruiners at other displays.

The Music Man: This brilliant specimen thinks that the fireworks and screaming tards aren't providing enough audible entertainment, so he opens all his car doors and cranks up his stereo so everyone can listen to his crappy hip-hop music while they watch the display. If you encounter this firework ruiner, slash his tires.

The Tardy Tard: This ruiner thinks that nobody will care if he shows up five minutes into the display and takes several minutes to park his car while his headlights blind everyone around him. No matter where you are, he will find you, and he will park in front of you. It is his only reason for existing.

The Early Bird: A relative of the Tardy Tard, this ruiner decides to leave five minutes early to beat the traffic, and much like TT, he blinds everyone around him when he pulls out. Apparently, it's more important to get home early than to watch the whole freakin' display.

There are many more firework ruiners out there, but these are the most egregious offenders. I hope this guide will help you identify and deal with the ruiners at future displays.

Thank you.