I think it's interesting that when you're lonely and depressed, a possible solution would be to go out and try to have some fun, but the fact that you're lonely and depressed just makes it harder to even find the motivation to look for opportunities, let alone actually do something.
I also think it's interesting how my brain seems to want to reinforce the depression rather than doing something to fix it. For example, I somehow decided that it would be a good idea to spend part of the evening reading through a thread called "Tell me about your first kiss" on a discussion forum I frequent. In a truly shocking development, seeing that most people give the age at which this happened as 13-16 has not made my 21 year-old never-been-kissed self feel any better.
Seriously, someone needs to come to Syracuse and cheer me up. This shit is getting really irritating. I realize that it's been about a month since I started this stupid pity party, but I'm still having trouble dealing with the realization that the last ten years of my life could've been better with just a little more effort on my part, and that I'll never have a chance to fix that fact.
I know it's incredibly cliché, but I would be willing to deal with all the bad stuff (even living with The Chimps for a year) if I had the chance to go back and live those years over again with the knowledge/social skills I have now. It's the 21st century, damn it. I want a time machine now.
Incidentally, I know that the best way to deal with this would be to move on and try to make the future better (Army NCO Guy, the comment you wrote on the "Blarg" post really did give me some hope), but emotions really aren't rational, are they?
Fuck.
So apparently, the Random Thoughts Facebook group has SIT listed as its website. I have no idea why, as I am not a member of said group and had not heard of it until now. I guess the title of my blog is vaguely relevant, but still...
To anyone who happened to come here from Facebook: listen to the songs I posted, damn it.
Seriously. He delivered a lecture this morning that was almost identical (to the point where I could predict what he was about to say) to one he gave on either the first or second day of class back in August. It was really weird.
Being home for a few days has given me some extra time to work on my music, and I've finally decided to start putting together something I've wanted to do for quite a while.
I'm writing something of an epic song called "The Messenger." It's based on "Action News," the script I wrote in my screenwriting class last year (here's a copy in RTF format if you haven't read it).
The song is divided into three parts, each based on one act of the script. In addition, each part has a few individual sections. It's actually more of a suite than a single song, since it's essentially three songs covering the same theme. The full piece will probably be about 12-15 minutes long.
Stylistically, it's in the same vein as a lot of other stuff I write (grunge-metal), but it's a bit more complex than the basic "intro-verse-chorus-verse-chorus-bridge-chorus" structure that I use for most of my songs. The guitar parts are a little more technical (or at least what seems technical to me and my 10 months of experience), and it contains a few time signature/tempo changes. I also plan to record live drums at some point, since I actually have some talent on those.
I don't know if there will be bass guitar, since the only way I can play that convincingly is by artificially tuning down my regular guitar. Also, I haven't written the lyrics yet, but since I can't sing anyway, they're going to be more of a guide than anything.
In any case, a lot of the song hasn't been written yet, but I've recorded and posted some samples of what I have in mind so far. Obviously, these aren't the complete parts, but it's enough that you can get an idea of where the song is going.
The first sample is what I plan to use as the intro to the whole thing. It's a basic A-E-D chord progression (with a few twists) that I came up with while I was messing around with the "Jazz Clean" POD amp a couple days ago. Like all these recordings, it's rather flawed in some spots, but the final version will be better:
The next sample is actually something that I wrote a month ago, but it fit so well with the clean intro that I decided to incorporate it into the song. As things stand right now, this part will immediately follow the first intro thing:
The third sample is the beginning of Part II. There will be some other stuff in between this and the intro sections, but I haven't written it yet. This entire section is based on "Echo Chamber," which I wrote almost a year ago and posted at some point in both MIDI and GarageBand form. Like the last part, it fit so well that I decided to use it in The Messenger rather than making it a separate song. I'm really proud of the second half of this, incidentally:
Finally, here's a quick sample of what I plan to use for the beginning of Part III. It's a thrash thing that I started writing a couple weeks ago:
Comments? Suggestions? Does anyone actually listen to this crap I post?
I'm going home for Thanksgiving on Wednesday morning, and until then, I have work to take care of, so here's some music.
If you've been following my music posts (and honestly, who hasn't?), you may remember that I've posted both a MIDI version and a GarageBand guitar version of an old song of mine called "Invincible." Neither is available at the moment because of the file manager thing, but more importantly, I finally got around to recording a decent version with the POD, and it sounds pretty damn sweet.
I tried to improve some of the production values from past recordings to cut down on clipping and balance the drum tracks. It's not perfect, but it's definitely easier on the ears. Also, I've started panning the guitar tracks more widely to get a fuller sound.
Technical info, since I enjoy flaunting how much the PODxt can do:
- Clean lead guitar = Class A-30 TB amp model with Analog Delay effect, and I think I used either a Rotary Drum with Horn effect or a Sine Chorus effect in the beginning.
- Clean rhythm guitar = Connor 50 amp model with the drive at about 4.
- Distorted rhythm guitar = Plexi Variac amp model with Classic Distortion stompbox effect.
- Bass guitar = My regular guitar played through the Tweed B-Man amp model and tuned down an octave with the Bender stompbox effect, then bass boosted with the equalizer in GarageBand.
I think that's about it. Here's a link to the recording. Check it out; Comments are always welcome:
When you get to the point of being so intoxicated that you can make an entire bathroom smell like smoke and booze in the time it takes you to stumble in and tell your buddy that you love him, it might be time to call it a night.
Fucking assholes.
I haven't posted in over a week, so...yeah. Stuff still kinda sucks.
I just got home from the SU vs. UConn football game, which was my last marching band performance ever. Among other things, the day included:
- Going through eight hours of marching band activities on less than two hours of sleep
- Standing in cold rain for a good part of the morning
- Holding up the entire SU marching band for about 20 seconds
- Shaking Nancy Cantor's hand
At least Syracuse won. Woo.
I just got back from seeing Bill freakin' Cosby in downtown Syracuse. Good times. Allow me to recount the night's events so the post about retards who shit on toilet seats isn't at the top of the blog all weekend.
I headed down to the student center around 6:45 to catch one of the buses the school provided, and I was lucky enough to get a seat rather than standing in the aisle like a bunch of people who got on later. I was by myself, as usual, but I spotted my roommate from freshman year sitting a few seats down and said hi to him, so...hooray for taking the initiative, I guess. The fact that I consider something that small an accomplishment says a lot about my life up to this point.
Anyway...
The bus ride was rather uneventful, as those tend to be. After about 10 minutes (it was only about a two mile trip, but traffic was heavy), we arrived at the Landmark Theatre.
This place is nice. I wish I had pictures, but I didn't think to bring my phone because...well, nobody ever calls me. Just check out their website and you'll get the idea.
My seat was in the balcony, so I went up what had to be no less than six flights of stairs from the lobby, did the whole "hand the ticket to the usher" thing, and was directed to my seat, which was actually pretty close to the front and only one seat away from the aisle. Convenient. Thanks to the aforementioned website, I do have a picture of the exact seat I was in, which I have helpfully pointed out here:
Ah, good ol' J-22. It didn't have enough legroom (my knees were sore by the end of the show), but it served its purpose well.
After sitting there for a good 25 minutes, at least 10 of which included the girl to my right talking on her cell phone, I went exploring and found out that I had actually climbed about twice as many stairs as I needed to in order to get to my seat (I had gone all the way to the back row, and as you can see, that's not where I was sitting). I'm not sure how I missed that. I also checked out the bathroom and got trapped in one of the stalls for a few seconds because there wasn't enough room to open the door. Why is everything in that place so damn small?
And now, the part of this post that actually reviews something. Woohoo!
The show started with a couple people from student organizations tooting their own horns about how much they've done for the university, followed by a somewhat bizarre song and dance performance from members of Omega Psi Phi. If you've seen the movie "Drumline," think of the part where the dudes at the party are dancing, but add R&B style lyrics about how great the fraternity is. In any other setting, this might have been entertaining, but I paid $10 to see Bill Cosby tell jokes, not watch frattards dance.
After this, the lights went down for a few minutes while the stage was set up, then more people came to the podium and delivered smarmy "look how much we do for you ungrateful fucks" remarks before finally introducing Bill Cosby and bringing him out.
The Cosby performance was interesting. He started out by sitting down in a chair at the center of the stage and kicking his shoes off, then saying something about being old. He actually sat for most of the night, making it a little less "stand-up" than usual, but considering who we're talking about here, it somehow seemed more appropriate.
The routine was structured around a single story of his daughter applying for college, going there and getting mediocre grades, then graduating. This story took a full two hours to tell.
Doesn't sound very funny or interesting, does it?
However, the genius of this is that he used certain moments in the story to go off on massive tangents about a huge variety of subjects. In fact, he took so long on some stories that he occasionally forgot what he had been talking about, although that may have been just a part of his act.
A few of my favorite moments:
- His impression of someone under the influence of marijuana: "I'm thinking of building a house on skates...then we can...get away from tornadoes...and then we'll come back."
- He spent some time explaining that mothers are more attached to their children because children come out of their bodies, while the father doesn't really do that much. He then acted out the difference through various gestures, one of which was rowing an invisible boat. I'll let you figure that one out.
- Cosby on parenting (slightly paraphrased): "We didn't have 'time-out.' You would just...hit the kid! And then eventually someone goes *makes traditional "T" symbol with his hands* 'okay, time-out!'"
- He said that his daughter makes her son stand in the corner for two minutes for time-out, because he's two years old. His response (also slightly paraphrased): "Don't tell my wife about this. I'll...I'll be dead. *switches to a detective-like tone* 'You can see here where he tried to hold on...he ripped off some wallpaper...'"
- "My mother sent my father to beat me, and he didn't even know what I did. I don't even think he knew my name!"
- He claims that he got his daughter into college by calling the university president, introducing himself (complete with Fat Albert voice for proof of identity), then asking if the school would be needing a hospital in the near future.
- Old people point a lot when they talk because they're trying to buy time after forgetting what they were going to say. Also, "senior moment" is an inaccurate term because they sometimes last four or five days.
- The organ music at his daughter's college graduation ceremony was meant to cover up the sound of students vomiting. This joke was made funnier by his impression of both the organ player and the puking graduates.
I think that's enough. You get the point. Interestingly, although there were a few "big laugh" moments such as these, the routine mostly caused what I would call a steady chuckle. I think I laughed a lot less on average than at the improv shows I've gone to (one of which was so funny that it actually caused me to have an asthma attack) or the shows by Dane Cook and Jim Breuer freshman year, but those were more "wait for the punchline and laugh really hard" experiences, while this performance pretty much involved laughing at different levels for two hours straight.
Part of this was probably due to Bill Cosby's style, of course. He kind of rambles and dances around the point for a while, saying one word at a time and making you think that maybe he forgot what he was talking about, then he fires off a bunch of punchlines at once, often aided by gestures and funny voices. The dude has energy, but he hides it well, if that makes sense. He did seem to go overboard on the "funny noises and actions instead of words" thing a couple times, but overall, it was pretty good.
Also, I think I would have enjoyed the show a lot less had there not been two giant screens behind him so those of us in the cheap seats could see his face up close. A lot of times, a single facial expression or small gesture will be the punchline to a five minute story, and he really pulls this off well.
After the show, I took a bus back to campus, but I wasn't so lucky with seating this time, and I ended up standing near one of the doors surrounded by other people, one of whom felt it necessary to elbow me every five seconds for the first part of the trip as he shuffled around his phone and a sweatshirt. It was like being on a subway in Japan...or at least I imagine that's what that's like.
Anyway, that's about it. Cosby is a funny guy, and I think he's the most famous celebrity I've ever seen in person, so...that's something.
Remember how I referred to the people on my floor a couple years ago as "The Chimps?" I think this year's batch is going to be known from now on as The Tard Squad. They're not inhumanly annoying like The Chimps, but a few of them (I'm not sure how many because I hear them more than I see them) act like they have at least mild mental difficulties.
One of the main offenders, who is pissing me off at this moment, is the guy who sits by himself in the lounge and watches sports. This wouldn't be a big deal, except he apparently feels the need to cheer and clap every time something good happens (and sometimes, when the game isn't going well, he repeatedly yells "what the FUCK?!"). I understand the whole "getting into the game" thing, but the fact that he's in there alone just makes it weird and a little pathetic. It's like he thinks the players can hear him or something. I usually picture him as Special Ed from "Crank Yankers."
"YAAAAAAY! WE GOT A TOUCHDOWN! YAAAAAAY!" *awkward clapping*
The second, less pleasant example of retardation is...well, I won't go into too much detail, but one or more of the guys on this floor have horrifying bathroom habits. I kinda hope it's more than one of them, because I find it hard to believe that one person could fill a toilet/stall with paper and/or shit on the seat (yes, you read that right. Shit. On. The seat.) dozens of times without learning to do things differently. And for the love of fuck, people, learn to flush!
I know I said I'd like to go through college again with all my shiny new social skills, but on the other hand...I'm really looking forward to never living with this many people again.
UPDATE
I was just in the lounge getting some water, and the claptard had one of his friends with him. They had an enlightening conversation consisting only of "that's too good!" and "holy shit!" repeated over and over.
Being a senior rocks. Registration for next semester's classes starts today, and unlike last semester when I had to wait until 2:30 PM on the third day to register, my enrollment appointment was today at 8:45 AM.
Needless to say, I got into all the classes I wanted, and I'm still the only person enrolled in a couple of them as of now. Nice.
I'll cover the specifics later. Right now, I have to go to the poli-sci class I've been missing for the last couple weeks due to oversleeping.
So it appears that Democrats will soon be in control of Congress.
All I'll say is...don't blame me. I voted a straight Republican ticket for Pennsylvania.
However, maybe this will be a good thing. People think the country is fucked up because of Bush/Republicans, but in two years, when the country is still fucked up, quite possibly even more so than before, maybe they'll realize that the problem is that most politicians are pandering douchebags who don't give too much of a shit about them, and that both parties need a serious restructuring so we can stop this "voting for the lesser of two evils" bullshit.
2008 will be interesting, indeed. Assuming Iran and/or North Korea haven't nuked us by then.
Yeah...haven't been posting much lately.
Honesly, I've been fucking depressed for the last couple weeks. It doesn't make much sense. I finally realized that I could enjoy being around other people, I was motivating myself to get more work done, and I even managed to keep my room clean for a few days. But lately, I've just been sitting around and procrastinating. Work is piling up, I'm sleeping through morning classes too often, I'm about halfway through an anthropology assignment as I type this...it sucks.
And I think I know why: It's precisely because of the aforementioned realization that I could have fun with others. For most of my life, I've been able to deal with my lack of friends by convincing myself that I didn't want or need a social life, and that friendship was overrated. It's only in the last month or so that I started to truly desire a social life, and while I was excited at first, I keep looking back on the last three years of college and thinking about all the opportunities I missed, and how I'm supposed to be getting serious now instead of taking advantage of the "fun" aspects of the university experience, and it pisses me the fuck off.
I'm tired of doing work. Everything up to this point has revolved around it; Throughout college, I've always been either doing work or putting it off by doing something distracting, but staying in my room so I could at least pretend to be preparing to get the work done. A lot of that time I wasted procrastinating could've been used to go out and do things, and now that I actually want to do that, I don't have enough time or opportunities to really act on the desire.
I have been trying, obviously. I went to an improv comedy show two weeks ago, I went to a sketch comedy show last weekend, and I'm going to see Bill Cosby this Friday, but still...I'm always going alone and coming straight home afterwards. It feels like the universe is trying to keep me from adding other people to my activities. At the improv show, someone I know from drumline tried to sit next to me, but the seat in question was only empty because the guy who had been sitting there was in the bathroom or something. This weekend, the only people I knew were either in the show or working the door/lights. I have no solid connections, and even if I make slight progress, I don't think I'll be able to make up for the years of experience I've missed.
So, yeah. I'm pissed off and depressed because I've wasted a good deal of my youth trying to be above everything I considered "immature," and now that I'm almost ready to enter the real world, all I want to do is make some friends and hang out, something I should've gotten the hang of back in kindergarten. I want to stop simply existing and start living.
Also, I mention this way too much, but I still really, really would like to get a girlfriend, preferably before I fucking turn 30. The loneliness is starting to become physically painful (see "The Frustration Post" from a few days back). I've actually started to fantasize about just meeting a cute girl somewhere and having a nice conversation. How pathetic is that?
I know that self pity isn't attractive, but still...fuck. FUCK. If I get any more bent out of shape about this shit, I might accidentally record a fucking emo album.
At the very least, I wish some SIT readers lived near me. You (however many are left) seem like pretty cool people.
I haven't posted any covers for a while because of the whole file manager issue (incidentally, I still can't upload files larger than 1 MB), but this one sounds kinda cool.
I've been trying to learn some more difficult songs on guitar (I can play a good two or three minutes of "Master of Puppets" now), and this week, I decided to spend some time on Van Halen's "Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love." Here's a quick, rather low quality recording of what I've got so far (the solo is slightly altered from the original):
Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love: Part 1
This is a pretty sweet song.
UPDATE
Because I'm too tired/busy to post anything else until the weekend, here's a couple more quick recordings.
First, a rough and not totally accurate rendition of the first couple minutes of "Master of Puppets" that I recorded a couple weeks ago:
My eventual goal is to do a complete cover of this with live drums (Lars is a shitty drummer and I can therefore play pretty much the entire thing in one take), but I doubt I'll be capable of playing all the guitars for quite a while.
Also, here's a quick series of riffs I came up with using the "Big Bottom" tone on the PODxt:
I have about five other original songs I'm working on at the moment, including rough recordings, but I'll save those for now.